THE  LIBRARY 


THE  UNIVERSITY 


OF  CALIFORNIA 


LOS  ANGELES ' 


THAT   WIFE   OF   MINE. 


BY  THE  AUTHOR  OF 

THAT    HUSBAND    OF    MINE." 


BOSTON: 
LEE    AND    SHEPARD,    PUBLISHERS. 

NEW  YORK: 
CHARLES    T.    DILLINGHAM. 

1877. 


IN  the  "Editor's  Drawer"  of  HARPER'S  MAGAZINE,  a  few 
years  ago,  the  question  was  asked,  "  Why  will  not  some  one  of 
our  American  writers  give  us  a  series  of  domestic  sketches,  — 
actual  occurrences  of  every-day  life,  —  the  exact  truthfulness  and 
aptness  of  which  will  at  once  touch  a  chord  that  will  instantly 
vibrate  in  the  popular  heart,  —  the  real  joys  and  sorrows  of  the 
home  circle  ? " 

"  THAT  HUSBAND  OF  MINE,"  and  its  companion  volume, 
"THAT  WIFE  OF  MINE,"  by  the  same  author,  are  designed  to 
answer  this  question. 


COPYRIGHT, 

1877, 
By  LEE  AND  SHEPARD. 

A  U  Rights  reserved. 


Electrotyfed  and  Printed  by 

Rand,  Avery,  and  Company, 

7/7  Franklin  Street, 

Boston. 


PS 


t 


DEDICATED 

TO 

THE     SAME     PARTIES 

AS 

"THAT  HUSBAND  OF  MINE," 

BY 

THE  SAME  AUTHOR. 


892598 


THAT   WIFE   OF   MINE. 


Chapter  ©ne. 

DECLARE  to  the  tocsin  !  " 

"  Charlie ! "    exclaimed    my   little    wife 
breathlessly,  springing  to  her  feet. 
"  Lissa,"    said    I    with    equal   vehemence,    "  it 
must  be  that  the  emperor  of  all  the  Russias  is 
dead,  and  I  am  summoned  to  write  his  obituary  in 
the  '-Regulator.'  " 

"  I  should  think  somebody  was  dead  —  such  a 
peal  as  that !  "  and  my  wife  thrust  her  sewing  into 
"her  work-basket,  and  turned  to  the  door  as  it 
opened. 

"Why,  what  is  the  matter  of  it,  Jo?  What 
is  it  ?  "  and  Lissa,  subsiding  into  her  pretty  broken 
language,  as  she  always  did  when  startled  ©r 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 


nervous,  addressed  herself  to  a  face  that  at  that 
moment  looked  in. 

"  A  baby,"  said  Jo,  in  an  awful  voice. 

"A  what?"  cried  I,  rising  up  in  consternation, 
as  my  sister  by  degrees  introduced  her  whole 
body,  and  stood  with  speculative  face  inside  the 
door. 

"  Why,  somebody  has  left  one  on  the  doorstep, 
—  a  sweet  and  helpless  infant,"  continued  Jo, 
shaking  the  one  pensive  ringlet  in  the  middle  of 
her  forehead. 

"  Oh,  dear  me ! "  said  Lissa,  turning  to  me,  "  is  it 
not  strange  ?  /  don't  want  it :  do  you,  Charlie  ? " 

"  Of  course  not,  my  dear,"  was  my  answer. 
"I've  no  special  predilection  for  any  thing  that 
don't  belong  to  me.  What  is  it,  Jo  ?  Where  was 
it  left  ?  and  what  have  you  done  with  it  ?  Was 
that  the  reason  of  the  violent  ring  that  just  now 
sounded  through  the  house  ? " 

"  Yes,  brother  Charlie  :  Tiddy  was  busy  setting 
the  table  for  tea,  and  I  was  taking  out  the  pre 
serves,  when  we  heard  the  bell.  Tiddy  went  to 
the  door.  '  Vow  to  my  rest ! '  cried  Tiddy.  '  Come 
here,  Miss  Jo.  Ef  that  ain't  an  affliction  of  Provi 
dence  ! '  Then  I  saw  the  baby.  It  was  fast 
asleep,  a  pretty  little  thing." 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 


"  I'll  send  it  to  the  poorhouse  forthwith  ! "  I 
exclaimed.  "  Somebody  has  been  playing  an  infa 
mous  trick  on  me." 

Lissa,  my  little  wife,  crept  closer  and  closer. 
She  now  stood  with  her  slight  fingers  upon  my 
arm,  looking  into  my  eyes. 

"  Charlie,"  she  whispered,  "  I  have  been  think 
ing.  Don't  send  it  away.  That's  just  how  I  was 
left,"  she  added  softly. 

"  What,  at  some  man's  door  ?  " 

"  No,  no,  but  alone  —  all  alone  —  fatherless, 
motherless ;  who  to  take  care  of  me  but  one  poor 
fed  ?  Oh !  I  feel  a  pity  for  the  little  one  ;  for  I  was 
so  young,  so  helpless,  when  my  mother  died." 

And  I  pause  here  to  let  the  reader  know  some 
thing  of  this  little  wife  of  mine. 

Sweet  Elsa  had  gone  from  me.  I  had  mourned 
her  for  three  long  years. 

At  first,  after  I  laid  her  head  on  its  cold  pillow, 
I  felt  that  life  was  no  longer  endurable.  Th2 
home  so  bright  held  still  the  charm  of  her  pres 
ence  ;  but  it  was  nothing  that  I  could  clasp  in  my 
arms,  and  kiss ;  it  was  nothing  that  I  could  sit 
beside,  and  feel  the  glance  of  gentle  eyes  upon  me, 
as  I  read  during  the  long  winter  evenings  :  it  only 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 


threw  a  chill  over  my  very  soul  from  its  lack  of 
love  and  life.  Consequently  I  gave  up  my  home. 
I  went  abroad  as  special  correspondent  of  "The 
Regulator  "  and  other  papers.  I  travelled  all  over 
England  and  Wales  on  foot.  I  went  to  Germany, 
and  was  pursuing  the  same  course  there. 

One  day,  in  an  odd  little  straggling  town  in  the 
south  of  Germany,  I  met  with  an  accident.  My 
horse  did  not  throw  me  in  some  picturesque  spot 
with  my  head  on  a  pile  of  rocks,  for  somebody  to 
find  after  a  romantic  fashion ;  for  I  had  no  horse. 
Neither  did  chaise  or  diligence  or  coach  break 
down.  I  simply  jumped  carelessly,  and  hurt  my 
foot. 

It  was  in  one  of  the  long  gray  twilights  of  that 
part  of  the  world ;  and  a  pale  moon  had  just  come 
out  white  and  clearly  defined,  throwing  the  rugged 
hills,  the  stony  country,  the  uneven  streets,  into 
bright  and  homely  outline.  After  trying  to  walk 
for  a  few  seconds,  I  found  that  the  jump  had  ren 
dered  my  foot  quite  useless ;  and  I  had  taken  my 
seat  by  the  roadside,  and  was  proceeding  to  pull 
off  my  shoe,  when  a  tall,  handsome-looking  stu- 
dent  as  I  thought,  came  out  of  a  low  doorway, 
and  over  the  loose  stones,  to  me. 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 


"  I  can't  talk  German,"  I  said,  a  little  impa* 
tiently  ;  "  and  I  believe  I  have  really  hurt  myself." 

"  Ah,  you  are  English !  so  I  can  talk  with  you, 
you  see,"  were  the  words  that  saluted  my  ears.  I 
don't  know  that  I  ever  felt  a  sensation  so  closely 
resembling  rapture,  as  I  did  at  the  sound  of  mine 
own  familiar  tongue. 

"I  have  done  myself  some  injury,  I  don't 
know  what,"  I  said,  after  a  glad,  long  shake  of  the 
hand. 

"Then  you  shall  come  over  to' my  house,"  he 
responded.  "  Can  you  walk  if  I  help  you,  or  shall 
my  sister  come  to  give  aid  also  ?  " 

I  managed  with  his  arm  to  get  to  the  house.  It 
was  a  curious  little  home,  the  lower  flat  all  one 
room,  with  a  shining  brown  floor.  Just  outside 
the  window  I  saw  a  kind  of  open  kitchen,  in  which 
a  brisk  old  woman  whose  face  was  the  color  of 
parchment,  under  a  glorious  wealth  of  silver-white 
hair,  moved  about  round  the  fire,  preparing  the 
evening  meal.  Beyond  that  was  the  .garden,  just 
glooming  in  spots,  but  still  bright  and  rich  with 
color,  full  of  fruit-trees  from  which  pears  and 
apples  hung,  the  trellises  and  the  walls  loaded 
with  vines  whose  clusters  of  grapes  looked  to  me 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 


something  marvellous.  It  was  a  quaintly  and 
beautifully  colored  picture  ;  for  still  farther  beyond 
were  rocks  from  which  stood  out  bold  ledges  like 
ruined  and  forsaken  castles,  and  these  caught  the 
wonderful  color  of  the  far  setting  sun,  and  threw 
the  warm  tones  like  drifts  of  sparkling  nebulas 
back  upon  the  garden. 

"  Lissa  !  "  called  the  man,  after  he  had  settled 
me  to  my  liking ;  and  then  I  saw  a  flitting  figure 
far  down  the  long  old  yard,  that  stood  for  a 
moment  in  strong  contrast  with  the  whitewashed 

trellis.    It  was  clad  in  a  red  petticoat,  white,  loose, 

j 
large-sleeved  blouse,  and  had  a  pretty  cap  perched 

upon  its  head.  The  skirt  was  short,  showing 
beautifully  moulded  ankles  ;  and  the  feet,  which 
I  was  sure  were  small  and  pretty,  were  incased  in 
wooden  shoes. 

"Yes,  Conrad,"  answered  back  the  voice;  and  a 
soft,  low,  musical  tone  it  was,  such  as  I  had  never 
heard  since  Elsa  left  me.  Then  she  came  quietly 
along  the  middle  and  flagged  path,  her  queer  shoes 
clicking  at  every  step. 

Heavens  and  earth  !  what  was  there  about  the 
child-woman  that  brought  my  Elsa  before  me  ? 
She  was  a  little  creature  ;  and  for  Elsa's  sake  I 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 


love  these  dainty,  tiny  women,  the  fern-leaf  and 
blossom  of  humanity.  -I  could  have  taken  her 
straightway  to  my  heart,  as  if  she  had  been  of 
kin  to  me,  and  kissed  her  on  the  forehead  over 
which  hung  light  rings  of  glossy  golden-brown 
hair,  almost  in  the  exact  fashion  my  darling  had 
worn  them  when  I  first  knew  her.  Curiously  I 
wondered  if  she  was  like  Elsa  in  other  respects,  — 
the  sunny  temper,  the  sweet,  forgiving  disposition, 
the  quick,  clear  intuition,  almost  like  a  gospel  to 
both  of  us.  Conrad  spoke  a  few  words  in  Ger 
man,  which  I  understood ;  and  the  girl  turned  her 
face  toward  me,  a  little  clouded  with  pity,  and  im 
mediately  ran  out  in  the  kitchen,  soon  re-appear 
ing  with  a  basin  of  warm  water  and  a  soft  "sponge, 
carrying  also  a  long,  large-necked  bottle  of  some 
dark  solution.  Then  the  gray  servant  came  in, 
and  bathed  my  foot  while  I  reclined  on  an  old  yel 
low  settee ;  and  Lissa,  from  whom  I  could  hardly, 
keep  my  eyes,  lifted  a  square  slab  from  the  side  of 
the  wall,  covered  it  with  a  snowy  cloth,  and  pres 
ently  the  table  was  set,  the  board  spread  with 
fruit,  a  black  loaf,  pats  of  yellow  butter,  milk, 
cheese,  and  tea.  They  drew  the  settee  up  with 
me  on  it,  and  I  supped  deliciously. 


8  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.' 

Then  I  learned  that  Conrad  was  a  teacher,  called 
there  professor  ;  that  he  was  in  reality  an  excep 
tional  genius,  deeply  read  in  the  sciences,  a  travel 
ler  who  had  made  much  of  his  experience  ;  and 
that  with  all  this  he  had  taken  the  sole  care  of  his 
sister  from  the  time  she  was  a  year  old,  saving  that 
at  certain  periods  Mrs.  Gretchen,  the  old  family  ser 
vant,  had  superintended  her  domestic  education. 

After  a  delightful  evening,  I  found  that  with 
some  help"*!  could  get  up  stairs,  where  Conrad 
gave  me  his  own  room.  He  himself  slept  out  in 
the  quaintly  carved  balcony,  which  he'saidhe  often 
did  of  warm  nights.  Glorious  days  succeeded,  in 
that  pleasant  German  household.  I  was  placed 
in  Lissa's  care ;  and  she  and  I  had  long  and  cheer 
ful  talks,  for  she  knew  English  imperfectly,  but  so 
that  I  could  understand  her,  while  I  failed  to  make 
my  German  translatable.  I  told  her  much  of  my 
past,  of  my  Elsa ;  indeed,  she  always  brought  the 
conversation  round  to  Elsa,  and  there  were  so 
many  points  in  which  I  traced  resemblances,  that 
it  is  not  wonderful  if  I  felt  in  a  vague  way,  that 
the  sweet  woman's  loss  was  almost  made  up  to 
me. 

From  her  I  learned  such  facts  as  gave  me  that 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 


exalted  estimation  in  which  I  have  always  since 
held  the  professor  Conrad  von  Raab. 

"  Do  you  know,"  she  said  (I  will  not  give  her 
broken  English,  which  would -not  be  music  to  your 
ear  as  it  was  to  mine),  "  I  have  never  known  any 
protector,  any  father,  any  mother,  save  in  my 
brother  Conrad.  When  I  was  left  a  little  babe 
of  only  one  year,  he  would  give  me  up  to  nobody. 
He  was  only  eighteen  then,  and  just  through  with 
his  studies  at  the  university ;  but  he  took  all  the 
care  of  me  when  he  was  at  home.  And  when  I 
was  quite  grown,  about  nine,  and  he  had  become 
famous  for  his  genius,  and  an  old  uncle  left  him 
some  money,  oh !  it  seemed  a  great  fortune.  Then 
he  took  me  with  him  wherever  he  went,  and  would 
let  nobody  watch  me  or  teach  me  but  himself. 
We  left  good  old  Gretchen  in  this  little  house, 
which  belongs  to  Conrad,  and  we  travelled,  oh,  all 
over  the  world  ;  and  Conrad  made  friends  in  the 
universities,  and  studied  hard,  and  wrote  lectures ; 
and  I  helped  him,"  she  added,  her  beautiful  face 
aglow. 

"  And  how  did  you  help  him  ? "  I  asked. 

"  I  carried  his  hammer  and  his  bag,  and  labelled 
his  specimens,  and  found  subjects  for  his  micro- 


10  THAT    WIFE     OF    MINE. 

scope,  —  you  should  see  his  microscopes,  —  and  I 
copied  his  lectures  sometimes  ;  for,  do  you  know, 
he  says  I  write  a  beautiful  clear  hand.  And  every 
where  we  went,  people  made  much  of  us,  so  that  at 
last  it  seemed  strange  to  come  home  here,  and  set 
tle  down.  But  we  are  going  to.  move  again,  and 
where  do  you  think  ? " 

"  To  some  other  town  ? "  I  ventured. 

"  Oh,  no ! "  and  she  clapped  her  hands  glee 
fully,  —  "  to  America  !  to  your  own  country,  —  to 
the  land  where  you  were  so  happy  with  your  Elsa, 
and  where  you  left  her,  as  you  said,  with  your  poor 
heart  all  crushed." 

I  told  her  then,  almost  in  a  whisper,  that  she 
looked  like  Elsa,  that  her  voice  and  her  ways  made 
me  think  of  her ;  and  the  innocent  child  listened 
with  cheeks  aglow,  and  eyes  shining^  and  —  and 
then  followed  a  beautiful  idyllic  season  ;  and  it 
came  to  pass,  after  a- few  months'  sojourn,  that  I 
held  a  second  Elsa  close  to  my  breast,  and  kissed 
her  forehead,  her  cheeks,  and  her  lips,  for  she 
loved  me,  and  Conrad  gave  his  glad  consent.  So 
we  were  all  to  go  to  America  together. 

And  that  is  how  I  won  my  precious  wife,  —  my 
careless,  positive,  whimsical,  loving  wife,  endowed 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  II 

with  a  thousand  freaks,  humors,  and  oddities,  but 
charming  in  every  one  of  them,  and  who  makes 
me  exclaim,  sometimes  with  frantic  vehemence, 
sometimes  with  frowns,  sometimes  with  laugh 
ter,  — 

"  Oh,  that  wife  of  mine  !  " 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 


Chapter 


IE  were  married  in  the  little  German 
house,  the  birthplace  of  my  bride,  and 
set  off  directly  for  America.  Lissa  took 
a  comical  leave  of  all  the  surroundings,  —  the  old 
settee  in  the  balcony,  in  which  Conrad  had  rocked 
her  to  sleep  so  many  times  ;  the  precious  relics  of 
her  dead  mother,  which  she  could  not  carry  with 
her  ;  the  garden,  sunny  with  the  memories  of  her 
seventeen  bright  years.  The  tears  were  in  her 
eyes,  and  in  mine  too  ;  and  when  the  carriage 
came,  and  we  missed  her  all  suddenly,  and  there 
was  not  a  minute  to  lose,  everybody  was  seized 
with  consternation. 

"  Lissa  !  "  cried  Conrad.  "  Lissa  !  "  echoed  in 
every  corner  and  cranny  of  the  house.  Up  flew 
one  to  the  garret,  out  flew  another  to  the  garden. 
It  was  my  good  luck  to  find  her  at  last,  weeping 
over  some  pet  kittens  in  a  room  above  the  barn, 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  13 

where  also  was  stored  a  collection  such  as  my  eyes 
never  gazed  upon  before,  —  the  playthings  of  a 
motherless  child.  These  were 'made  up  mainly  of 
broken  material,  cast-off  relics,  torn  books,  muti 
lated  plaster  images,  a  stuffed  dog  in  the  last 
stages  of  laceration,  a  swing,  and  two  eyeless 
dolls,  which  must  have  owed  their  existence  to  the 
awkward  hands  of  some  neophyte  in  wood-carving, 
and,  as  I  learned  afterwards,  the  work  of  the  inde 
fatigable  Conrad. 

"  Lissa,"  I  said,  "  the  carriage  waits." 

"  Send  it  away,"  she  said  imperatively  :  "  I  can't 

go." 

I  stood  petrified  for  a  moment,  not  knowing  what 
to  say. 

"  Do  you  think  I  am  going  to  leave  every  thing 
for  ever  and  ever,  every  thing  that  I  love,  for  you  ?  " 
and  the  accumulated  force  of  her  over-wrought 
feelings  made  her  smooth  voice  sound  like  the 
voice  of  a  scold,  peevish  and  shrill,  as  she  sobbed. 

Aghast,  I  still  kept  silence. 

"  Why  don't  you  speak  ?  Don't  you  see  I  re 
pent  at  the  last  minute  ?  I'm  not  a  bit  like  Elsa  : 
you  needn't  tell  me  that,  I  see  it  in  your  face. 
Where  are  you  going  ? " 


14  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

"To  order  the  carriage  back,"  I  said  gently. 

She  sprang  up,  and  made  a  passionate  gesture 
with  her  hands  across  her  eyes. 

"  There !  that's  the  last  of  Lissa  Von  Raab. 
Don't  you  know  you  never  should  mind  when  I 
ask  such  unreasonable  things — you,  a  great,  strong 
man  ?  Conrad  has  spoiled  me,  but  I  am  only  his 
sister :  I  am  your  wife,  and  I  said  I  would  obey 
you." 

She  held  out  her  hands,  forming  as  pretty  a  pic 
ture  of  angelic  womanhood  as  I  ever  saw,  and  of 
course  you  know  how  it  ended.  There  was  a  little 
smothered  sigh,  and  a  little  smothered  kiss  ;  and, 
after  she  had  dried  her  eyes  on  my  shoulder,  she 
went  with  me  as  gentle  as  any  lamb,  never  once 
looking  behind  at  the  uncouth  treasure-house,  at 
which  I  could  have  laughed  till  I  cried  but  for  the 
solemn  tenderness  her  love  wrought  within  me, 
and  that  made  these  monstrosities  sacred  in  my 
sight. 

Conrad  was  a  prize.  He  contracted  friendships 
on  board  the  steamer,  that  proved  worth  a  fine  in 
come  when  he  reached  what  he  always  called  the 
garden  of  the  world.  I  made  up  my  mind,  to 
Lissa's  delight,  that  we  two  could  not  part  with 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  15 

him  ;  and,  on  our  arrival,  events  had  so  shaped 
themselves  as  to  make  still  more  feasible  his  adop 
tion  into  our  family.  My  aunt  Jack  was  dead, 
and  had  left  me  a  handsome  sum  in  her  will ; 
and,  the  senior  editor  of  "The  Regulator"  hav 
ing  resigned,  I  was  offered  the  post,  with  a  large 
increase  of  salary.  I  was  now  comparatively  a 
rich  man.  Lissa  was  installed  in  a  new  and  ele 
gant  home,  with  my  half-sister  Joanna,  who,  since 
my  mother's  death,  had  been  the  special  charge 
of  aunt  Jack,  and  who  was  left  to  me  along  with 
the  money. 

I  was  very  glad  to  welcome  Jo.  She  was  only 
a  few  years  my  junior,  of  a  youthful,  romantic 
temperament;  but,  as  time  disclosed,  a  little  in 
clined  to  tyrannize,  and  to  consider  her  way  in  every 
point  the  only  right  way.  Old  Tiddy,  who  had 
also  gone  West  with  my  aunt,  and  who,  during 
the  life  of  my  parents,  had  been  a  fixture  as  a 
family  servant,  also  reverted  back  to  me ;  and,  with 
these  additions,  my  household  was  complete. 

So  there  you  have  us  all  at  the  period  when  that 
blessed  baby  was  left  at  our  door,  and  Lissa,  con 
trary  to  my  expectations,  pleaded  that  I  would  not 
take  it  io  the  poorhouse. 


l6  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

But,  before  I  go  on  with  this  peculiar  domestic 
episode,  I  must  present  to  you,  in  order  to  make 
the  thread  of  my  story  more  even,  my  wife's  broth 
er, — 

The  professor. 


THAT    WIFE     OF    MINE.  17 


Chapter 


JAKE  my  baby,  sir,  only  a  minute  !     I'll  be 
back  soon." 

A  staid  professor,  with  blue  spectacles, 
wandering  aimlessly  about  with  a  baby  in  his 
arms!  Who  put  it  there  he  could  not  tell,  only 
that  a  wild-looking  woman  rushed  into  the  little 
depot,  and  quite  thrust  it  upon  him,  then  disap 
peared. 

What  should  he  do  with  it  ? 

It  was  lying  very  quietly  now,  —  a  fair  little 
bundle  of  white  wraps,  and  a  still,  innocent  face. 

The  professor  looked  east  and  looked  west,  — 
nothing  but  woods,  woods,  as  far  as  could  be  seen, 
and  between  the  weeds  the  glimmer  of  two  iron 
rails.  Away  off  in  the  distance  a  young  woman 
was  walking,  in  a  red  calico  dress  and  a  green  sun- 
bonnet.  She  came  nearer  and  nearer.  The  pro 
fessor  trembled  to  see  her  coming  ;  and  he  could 


l8  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

hardly  have  told  why,  except  that  he  was  alone 
with  the  baby. 

The  young  woman  looked  in,  rustic  fashion, 
then  spoke  out,  — 

"  La !  how  pretty  it  is  !  " 

The  young  man  blushed  to  his  forehead,  and 
pulled  his  wide-brimmed  hat  closer  over  his  eyes. 
The  young  man,  I  said :  well,  he  was  but  thirty- 
five,  and  hardly  looked  thirty.  A  tall,  father 
spare  edition  of  the  genus  homo ;  a  man  with  a 
scientific  cast  of  nose,  and  great  tender,  beauti 
ful,  dreamy  eyes,  that  it  seemed  a  shame  to  dis 
guise  with  blue  eye-glasses. 

But  then,  the  professor  was  near-sighted,  very 
near-sighted.  It  was  a  positive  terror  to  him  to 
go  without  glasses.  He  was  always  running  into 
people.  Therefore  he  kept  seven  pairs  in  differ 
ent  places,  to  meet  the  demands  which  a  some 
times  forgetful  habit  imposed  upon  him, — one 
in  each  of  his  waistcoat-pockets,  one  pair  always 
hanging  in  sight  in  his  room,  and  three  others 
locked  carefully  away.  These  would  all  change 
places  in  due  course  of  time,  but  it  rarely  hap 
pened  that  he  lost  track  of  them  all  at  once. 

And   now  what  should  he  do  with  the   baby  ? 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  19 

The  young  woman  in  the  red  gown  was  fast  dis 
appearing  :  she  was  gone.  Almost  any  common 
man  would  have  laid  it  down,  and  let  it  take  its 
chance  of  being  found;  but  our  professor  was  not 
a  common  man.  He  vaguely  kept  hoping  that 
the  wild,  anxious,  rather  handsome  young  per 
son  who  had  so  unceremoniously  invested  him 
with  this  strange  charge  would  make  her  appear 
ance  again.  He  wandered  to  and  fro.  How  still 
it  was,  save  the  monotonous  breathing  of  the  for 
est  harmony,  and  the  shrill  chirping  of  many 
insects  !  He  walked  this  side  and  that,  wondering, 
if  he  should  be  recognized  as  the  lecturer  of  the 
previous  evening,  what  people  would  say  of  his 
dubious  position  as  a  pro-tern,  family  man. 

The  baby  still  slept.  On  its  little  face  was  im 
pressed  an  angelic  sweetness  that  touched  his 
heart,  but  nevertheless  he  longed  to  be  rid  of  the 
baby.  His  brain  was  in  a  mist :  it  always  was 
in  a  mist  about  ordinary  things.  He  knew  pos 
sibly,  theoretically,  that  mutton  was  sheep ;  but 
whether  it  was  cut  up  to  boil,  or  boiled  whole*  and 
then  dissected,  I  think  he  would  have  been  unable 
to  tell.  But  talk  to  him  of  the  systems  of  stars, 
ecliptical  signs,  or  the  Greek  constellations,  and 


20  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

he  was  perfectly  at  home,  and  would  charm  and 
dazzle  by  the  hour  with  his  brilliant  theories  and 
delightful  speculations. 

But  the  baby  !  Time  was  passing  on  leaden 
wings,  and  still  nobody  came. 

Except  a  hand-car  full  of  roughs,  which  stopped 
barely  long  enough  to  let  out  old  Perkins,  the  man 
who  had  charge  of  the  lamps.  He  nodded  to  the 
professor. 

"A  fine  boy  that,  gineral,"  he  said. 

"  I  wonder  if  it  is  a  boy,"  thought  the  professor. 

"  Usually  travel  with  your  family,  gineral  ?  " 
was  the  next  remark,  with  a  twinkle  of  the'  cun 
ning  old  eyes  hid  away  behind  the  wrinkles. 

"  Yes,  always  —  I  beg  your  pardon  —  no  ;  I 
haven't  any  family,"  blundered  the  professor,  who 
jocosely  called  a  certain  apparatus  with  which  he 
sometimes  illustrated  his  lectures,  his  family. 

"  Oh !  "  and  the  old  fellow  gave  him  a  searching, 
sidelong  look  from  under  his  beetling  brows. 

"  This  is  not  my  child.  I  walked  down  from 
Morristown  this  morning  :  I  have  been  botanizing, 
and  collecting  stones  for  specimens,  till  within  an 
hour  or  so.  While  I  was  alone  here,  a  woman  ran 
in,  and  threw  the  child  in  my  arms.  What  am  I 
to  do  with  it  ?  " 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE,  21 

The  old  man  chuckled. 

"  /  don't  want  it,  any  how ;  and,  as  to  the 
woman,  why  maybe  she'll  be  at  the  keers  when 
they  come.  I  don't  git  here  but  onct  a  day. 
Ain't  you  the  man  that  lectered  up  to  Morristown 
last  night  ?  You  lect'rers  are  a  poplar  sort  of 
people,  you  are,"  and  he  chuckled  again. 

The  poor  professor  felt  his  courage  oozing  out 
in  large  drops  at  the  thought  of  being  recognized. 
He  tried  to  disengage  one  hand  in  order  to  get  at 
his  handkerchief ;  but  the  baby  squirmed,  and,  in 
an  agony  of  fear  lest  it  should  wake,  he  put  it 
back  again,  while  the  perspiration  rolled  off  of 
itself. 

"  Warm  day,"  said  Perkins,  scratching  his  chin 
reflectively  with  his  little  finger.  "  Yes,  I  knowed 
you  'cause  of  them  blue  specticles.  Blue  specti- 
cles  gives  a  man  a  uncommon  and  superior  air." 

Inwardly,  but  mildly,  .  Professor  Von  Raab 
cursed  his  unfortunate  spectacles. 

"  Did  you  see  a  woman  running  wildly  about  ?  " 
he  asked  slowly  and  solemnly. 

"  Well,  not  here,"  replied  Perkins  reflectively  ; 
"  but  I've  seed  a  lot  of  'em  running  about  wild 
up  to  t'other  station,  gen'ally  ; "  and  the  old  man 


22  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

looked  down  ruminatingly,  and  pursed  up  his 
stubbly  chin.  "  There's  Miss  Stiggin,  she  makes 
a  pint  of  forgitting  her  umbril  till  the  last  minnit ; 
and  Miss  Stott,  that's  Deacon  Stott's  wife,  she 
allers  loses  one  of  her  children,  and  runs  about 
yellin'  like  the  town  crier.  Then  there's  them 
that  stops  to  inquire  'bout  all  other  folks'  rela 
tions,  and  what  they've  got  in  their  markit-baskits, 
right  on  the  brenk  of  eternity,  with  death  a-whist- 
lin'  'All  aboard!'  I've  tuck  'em  from  under  the 
car-wheels  more'n  once,  and  never  got  so  much 
as  thankee  for't." 

"  Is  there  a  poor-house,  or  a  foundling-asylum, 
or  any  place  where  I  could  leave  this  child  ? " 
asked  the  professor  anxiously.  Time  was  flying  : 
he  was  due  next  morning  at  nine  at  his  class. 

"  Lud,  sir !  you  can't  mean  it.  Why,  you  don't 
say  it  ain't  yourn  !  " 

The  professor  groaned  in  spirit. 

"  Don't  I  tell  you  somebody  put  it  upon  me  ?  — 
a  woman  who  looked  as  near  crazy  as  any  one 
out  of  Bedlam  well  could,"  he  queried  savagely, 
though  his  voice  was  suppressed  almost  to  a  whis 
per. 

"  Law,    that's    the   way   they   alleys   do,    them 


THAT    WIFE"    OF    MINE.  23 

sort  ;  "  and  the  wink  that  accompanied  this  irritat 
ing  response  nearly  drove  every  rational"  thought 
out  of  the  professor's  brain.  Whether  to  hurl  the 
unconscious  baby  at  the  head  of  that  grim  and  oily 
man,  and  fly,  or  apply  his  boot  to  the  greasy  habili 
ments,  he  hardly  knew. 

"Well,  I  wish  you  a  pleasant  journey,  sir,  you 
and  the  little  one.  Train's  due  in  fifteen  minutes,. 
—  gits  in  Tarryville  two  hours  and  a  half  —  if 
no  accident  happens.  No  accident  ain't  happened 
since  it's  been  a  road ;  but  lud,  sir,  there  must 
alleys  be  a  fust  time.  That's  a  fine-looking  boy, 
sir.  Good-by." 

It  was  plain  that  the  man  was  determined  to 
have  his  joke.  The  professor  also  determined  to 
keep  his  temper  —  and  the  baby.  What  else  was 
he  to  do  for  the  time  being  ?  Plan  after  plan 
came  into  his  head,  like  lightning,  and  were  re 
jected  peremptorily.  Not  a  soul  was  in  sight. 
He  peered  anxiously  up  and  down  the  dreary 
road.  It  was  an  utterly  out-of-the-way  place. 
There  would  be  no  train  after  to-day  till  to-mor 
row  at  the  same  time.  What  was  he  to  do  ? 
Dinnerless,  foot-sore,  and  perplexed,  —  he  had 
never  in  his  life  been  in  such  a  dilemma.  Perkins 


24  THAT    WIFE     OF    MINE. 

had  gone  ;  everybody  had  gone.  He  might  have 
been  the  only  man  in  the  world,  for  all  he  saw  of 
humanity. 

Something  would  not  let  him  desert  the  help 
less  creature  ;  but  'what  was  he  to  do  ultimately  ? 
Confused  thoughts  of  an  asylum  in  his  own  city 
occurred  to  him.  Perhaps  Providence  would  in 
terpose.  Here  came  the  train ;  and  with  a  vague 
trust  in  something,  he  scarcely  knew  what,  he 
entered  the  car. 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  25 


Chapter  Jfour, 

j]HE  baby  still  slept.  Gently  the  professor 
laid  it  down  upon  his  knee,  thinking  of 
the  time  when  he  had  cared  for  just  such 
a  helpless  creature,  motherless,  and,  but  for  him, 
altogether  friendless. 

In  his  mind's  eye  he  saw  a  painted  balcony, 
overhung  by  green  vines ;  by  his  side  a  solitary 
rocking-chair,  and  a  unique  little  bed  made  up  on 
an  old  yellow  settee,  two  faded  footstools,  and  a 
camp-stool,  composing  the  out-door  furnishing  of 
the  place. 

He  could  see  himself  sitting  there  with  the 
patient  baby-face  looking  up  into  his.  He  could 
see  the  dim  outlines  of  the  mountains,  blue  and 
gold  and  umber,  bright,  or  black  with  cloud-shad 
ows  ;  the  cool  meadows  lying  at  their  feet ;  and 
nearer,  a  ledge  of  castle-like  rocks  with  trees  tall 
and  slender,  shooting  from  their  brown  fissures, 


26  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

where  one  could  find  no  royal  heart  of  earth  to 
drop  a  seed  in. 

And  the  little  German  rivers  shooting  off  here 
and  there,  —  blue  as  the  June  blue  of  heaven,  — 
and  the  little  German  bridges,  their  rough  points 
softened  by  distance  into  the  seeming  grace  of 
art,  though  they  were  simple  rustic  footholds  — 
how  the  past  came  rushing  back  upon  him  ! 

He  was  in  the  last  car ;  and  taking  off  his  spec 
tacles  he  drew  his  hat,  with  that  sheltering  broad 
brim,  still  farther  over  his  brows.  Thus  shield 
ing  himself  as  much  as  possible,  he  presently  fell 
into  a  reverie,  and  earth  and  all  human  belongings 
fell  away  from  him  like  a  garment. 

It  was  a  full  hour's  ride  to  Tarryville.  In  fif 
teen  minutes  by  the  clock  the  baby  stirred.  Its 
protector  started,  and  suddenly  came  back  to  the 
realities  of  life.  The  baby  was  actually  staring  at 
him,  with  wide-open  blue  eyes.  It  was  a  refined 
little  face,  albeit  the  lace  and  muslin  that  framed 
it  in  were  coarse  and  common  in  texture,  and  its 
clothes  were  not  certainly  those  of  a  babe  of 
quality.  He  looked  around,  and  drew  his  breath 
more  freely,  for  they  were  all  strangers.  Then  he 
placed  the  baby  in  a  more  comfortable  position, 
and  leaned  back  complacently. 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  2"J 

At  that  moment  a  little  gurgling  sound,  such  as 
nothing  but  a  baby  can  make,  issued  from  the 
tiny  red  lips. 

"Bless  her  little  heart !  "  ejaculated  a  mild-eyed 
woman  behind  him  —  but  she  saw  the  baby. 
Women  from  almost  any  point  of  vision  can  see 
a  baby. 

"  Dear  me !  it  must  be  a  girl,"  said  the  profes 
sor  to  himself. 

"How  old  is  she  ? "  queried  the  woman,  bend 
ing  over. 

"Well,  a  year  or  two,  I  guess,"  replied  the  poor 
man  helplessly. 

"You  don't  say  !  "  and  up  went  a  pair  of  finely 
arched  eyebrows.  "  How  very  small  of  its  age ! 
Can  it  possibly  be  a  year  ? " 

"I  —  I  might  have  missed  a  few  months," 
responded  the  professor,  wondering  what  he  had 
said.  "I  don't — think  I  really  can  tell — what 
age  exactly,  babies  are  —  when  they — when"  — 

"When  they  are  nursing,  I  suppose  you  mean," 
said  the  woman  complacently. 

"Yes,  I  —  I  guess  that's  it,  exactly." 

"  Dear  little  thing  !  is  its  mother  living  ?  " 

Here  was   a   poser.     Poor  Prof.  Raab  devoted 


28  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

nearly  five  minutes  to  the  solution  of  this  ques 
tion,  mentally. 

"  I  have  every  reason  to  believe  she  is,"  he 
made  reply,  in  his  slow  manner. 

"  Every  reason  to  believe,"  cogitated  the  woman, 
who  had  begun  to  feel  a  peculiar  interest  in  this 
mild-looking,  large-eyed  man.  "  Probably  it's  not 
his  baby ;  but  if  not,  why  is  it  with  him  ?  Such  a 
little  thing  ought  not  to  travel  without  a  mother, 
or  nurse,  or  somebody." 

The  baby  began  an  examination  of  its  hands ; 
then  doubled  them  up,  and  launched  out  in  a  sort 
ot  free  fight  with  nothing  in  particular. 

For  the  momen-t  the  woman  on  the  back  seat 
had  subsided  ;  but  the  little  one  was  too  powerful 
a  magnet. 

She  leaned  forward,  and  watched  it.  Presently 
there  were  two  tears  trickling  quietly  down  the 
channels  of  her  cheeks. 

"  Sweet  little  thing  !  "  she  murmured,  in  a  low, 
broken  voice.  "  It  makes  me  think  of  my  own 
baby.  It's  your  very  image,  sir." 

"  A-ahem  !  "  choked  the  professor,  crimson  with 
indignation  ;  and  the  baby  came  very  near  falling, 
in  the  eagerness  with  which  its  protector  tugged 
at  the  window  with  one  hand. 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  29 

The  atmosphere  was  close  enough ;  but  the  poor 
dear  woman  at  his  back  had  forgotten  her  morn 
ing's  repast  of  cucumbers  and  onions. 

The  baby  by  this  time  had  one  hand  in  his  long 
silken,  brown  beard,  and  the  other  in  his  watch- 
chain,  —  a  position  that  nothing  in  life  but  a  baby 
could  possibly  achieve.  While  he  was  nervously 
trying  to  save  his  chain,  which  was  an  old  heir 
loom,  and  very  slender,  it  suddenly  occurred  to 
him  that  the  woman  in  the  next  seat  was  crying. 
Yes,  she  was  surely  wiping  her  eyes  with  a  hand 
kerchief.  That  sense  which  is  situated  in  the 
back  of  the  head,  and  answers  for  sight,  and  which 
in  him  was  very  strong,  told  him  so.  Presently 
she  leaned  forward,  and  chirruped  to  the  little  one, 
who  was  evidently  making  up  her  mind  to  a  change 
in  the  programme.  Goodness  had  become  tire 
some  to  her  small  faculties.  The  pleasant  smile 
and  clucking  checked  the  serious  down-curve  of 
the  crimson  mouth,  and  she  stared  with  rounder 
eyes  .and  inarticulate  gurgling  at  her  admirer. 

"  It  sets  me  to  thinking  of  a  dear  little  girl  that 
I  lost  not  long  ago,  sir,  —  the  only  one  I  ever 
had,"  said  the  woman,  after  a  slight  indulgence  in 
infantile  Latin  with  the  absorbed  baby.  "It's 


30  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

very  hard,  sir,  to  lose  them,  —  oh,  it's  very  hard  ! 
One's  home  is  so  lonely!  I've  never  felt  the 
same  woman  since  my  baby  died." 

"  My  dear  madam,  won't  you  have  this  one  ?  " 
queried  the  professor,  a  trifle  more  eagerly  than 
he  would  have  said,  "  Won't  you  have  a  slice  of 
plum-pudding  ? "  at  dinner. 

The  woman  started,  looked  at  him  with  a  puz 
zled  wonder  in  her  face  that  no  pen  can  describe, 
and  then  subsided  by  degrees  into  her  own  corner. 

"  I  can  assure  you,  you  are  very  welcome.  It 
was  a  total  stranger  to  me  before  to-day ;  put  in 
my  care  by  I  don't  know  who,  and  probably  never 
shall  know  :  so  you  see,  madam,  the  reason  I 
offered  it "  — 

"  West  Bend  !  "  shouted  the  conductor ;  and 
thereupon  the  woman  gathered  up  bags  and  bun 
dles,  and,  with  a  look  at  the  professor  simply  inde 
scribable,  lurched  at  and  out  of  the  open  door; 
evidently  bearing  the  impression  away  with  her, 
that  she  had  been  conversing  either  with  a  mad 
man  or  a  child-stealer. 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  31 


|HE  baby  grew  heavier  and  heavier.  Its 
facial  contortions  were  a  study  :  it  seemed 
simply  resisting  the  conviction  that  it  was 
time  for  a  hearty  cry,  and  mouthed,  and  tried  to 
swallow  its  fists,  both  of  them  ;  and  finally,  grown 
desperate  by  long  battle  with  its  small  propensi 
ties,  it  burst  into  one  sharp,  terrific  yell. 

This  was  horrible.  What  mortal  man  could  do 
in  the  way  of  handling  a  dissatisfied  youngster, 
the  professor  did.  He  patted  it  on  the  back  and 
chest  indiscriminately  ;  he  trotted  it  till  it  was 
black  in  the  face ;  he  held  it  in  every  conceivable 
position.  There  were  elements  of  disorder  in 
progress  with  which  he  was  not  acquainted.  Some 
body  lent  him  a  helping  hand  and  a  handkerchief. 
The  hand  was  motherly ;  so  was  the  face  that 
met  his,  and  that  had  taken  the  place  of  his  talka 
tive  neighbor. 


32  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

"  Let  me  have  it,"  she  said  softly,  and  withdrew 
with  her  charge  somewhere  out  of  sight.  The 
professor  had  a  half-insane  impression  that  now 
was  his  chance  to  escape.  Should  he  fly  from  his 
torment,  and  essay  a  leap  from  the  cars  at  the 
next  stopping-place?  Would  it  be  possible  to 
mingle  with  the  crowd,  and  lose  himself  ? 

No :  clearly  the  right  thing  was  to  face  the 
responsibility,  and  do  the  best  he  could.  The 
motherly-looking  woman  re-appeared :  she  wore  a 
gently  anxious  look  as  she  scrutinized  the  profes 
sor  closely. 

"It's  very  young  to  travel  without  a  mother," 
she  said  softly. 

"  Yes,  it  is.  About  how  old  should  you  think 
it?"  asked  the  professor  eagerly. 

"  Well !  Upon  my  word  !  Don't  you  know  the 
age  of  your  own  child  ?  "  she  questioned.  "  Fa 
thers,  I  believe  though,  are  generally  ignorant 
about  such  matters,"  she  added  as  she  took  her 
seat,  the  clatter  of  the  cars  almost  drowning  her 
voice.  "  Men,  as  a  common  thing,  are  utterly  use 
less  in  the  management  of  babies.  My  husband 
isn't  the  value  of  a  wood-saw  in  his  own  house. 
It'll  sleep  now,  I  guess.  My  own  baby  is  only  six 
months  old  ;  —  and  she  was  so  hungry !" 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  33 

"  Upon  what  hypothesis,  madam,  do  you  venture 
the  assertion  that  this  is  my  child  ? "  queried  the 
professor  with  his  profoundest  expression. 

The  woman  looked  at  him,  dumb  with  conster 
nation.  Her  lips  parted,  then  closed  again.  She 
had  experienced  a  sensation,  and  it  was  astonish 
ingly  like  fear.  Was  the  man  crazy  ? 

"  Upon  my  word,  I  never  saw  such  eyes  in  my 
life!"  she  muttered  to  herself,  —  "like  red-hot 
steel." 

Meantime  the  baby,  after  a  succession  of  faint 
flourishes  with  its  hands,  and  sundry  feeble  at 
tempts  at  articulation  of  primitive  Latin,  and  suffi 
cient  assertion  with  its  feet  to  clear  them  of  the 
dimity  gown,  exposing  a  row  of  pink  pearls  upon 
a  waxen  surface,  submitted  at  last  to  its  destiny, 
and  fell  fast  asleep. 

The  poor  little  wretch  !  The  miserable  little 
nuisance  !  The  tender,  white-faced  angel !  Ah, 
now  it  smiled,  and  the  silly  heart  of  the  professor 
melted  within  him.  A  voice  that  had  often  thrilled 
the  inmost,  finest  tendrils  of  his  soul  seemed  to  be 
sounding  in  his  ears,  — 

"  You  dear  old  goose  !  " 

It   had   always   been   iterated   with    milk-white 


34  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

winding  arms  about  his  neck,  and  soft  kisses  upon 
his  cheek.  He  felt  very  miserable  and  very  fool 
ish,  and  very  happy  altogether.  It  would  never 
do  in  the  world  to  carry  the  baby  there,  would  it  ? 
Lissa  and  Miss  Jo !  what  would  they  say  ?  Well, 
he  could  think  it  over;  and  he  began  to  think. 
Off  and  away  flew  that  irrepressible  thought,  till 
presently  the  baby  was  only  a  feather's  weight 
upon  his  knees.  The  formations  of  rock  along 
the  route  were  remarkable.  The  granular  lime 
stone,  with  its  vein-like  fissures  and  delicate  color 
ing,  set  his  ready  mind  to  work  upon  calcareous 
formations,  crystals,  fossil  remains,  and  geognostic 
phenomena.  Pictures  of  beautiful  landscapes  fol 
lowed  each  other  in  swift  succession,  —  pictures 
worthy  of  the  genius  of  Claude  Lorraine ;  but 
over  these  he  cast  an  absent  eye.  The  rocks 
pleased  him  better,  with  their  vivid  hues  of  crim 
son  and  yellow, — the  hints  of  iron  and  of  fire; 
the  rich,  ruddy  sandstone,  broken  into  lace-work, 
over  which  filtered  here  and  there  the  divine  tears 
of  nature,  softening  those  rugged  faces  that  told 
their  stories  of  neglect,  of  convulsions,  of  mighty 
throes  put  in  operation  by  the  forces  due  to 
man's  genius.  He  had  a  passion  for  geology.  He 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  35 

had  studied  the  mighty,  sinuous  masses  of  rock  at 

*• 

Elba,  and  the  volcanoes  of  Stromboli,  Vesuvius, 
and  ./Etna.  In  the  rich  Saxon  mines,  he  had 
pored  over  the  wonderful  ores  under  the  surface 
of  the  earth ;  and  he  was  now  busy  on  the  third 
lecture  of  a  series  which  he  proposed  giving  in  his 
own  city,  and  which  had  cost  him  months  of  study. 

A  sudden  movement  startled  him.  The  baby 
had  rolled  off  his  lap,  and  on  to  the  floor ;  and, 
probably  much  astonished  by  the  sudden  transition, 
was  swimming  about  helplessly  on  a  dry  surface, 
and  vainly  striving  to  get  its  mouth  free,  in  order 
to  give  vent  to  its  astonishment  and  indignation, 
and  which  protest  now  escaped  in  a  series  of  gasps. 

"  My  sakes  alive  ! "  exclaimed  a  female  voice ; 
and  the  woman  opposite,  witnessing  the  accident, 
rushed  upon  the  scene ;  and,  stooping  at  the  same 
moment  that  he  did,  the  concussion  was  inevitable. 
The  professor  had  a  confused  sense  of  artificial 
flowers  which  scratched  him,  a  pair  of  eye-glasses, 
and  a  shower  of  small  bundles  ;  but  between  the 
two  they  managed  to  lift  the  baby,  dusty  and 
grimy  from  head  to  foot,  and  restore  it,  almost  too 
frightened  to  cry,  to  its  original  place.  Every 
body  who  could  see,  smiled,  of  course  ;  and  the 


36  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

professor,  who  seemed  to  think  the  cars  ought  of 
their  own  accord  to  stop  just  now,  and  let  him 
out,  felt  that  the  strangulation  of  that  baby  then 
and  there  would  scarcely  have  been  imputed  as  a 
crime;  under  the  circumstances.  The  baby  itself 
felt,  no  doubt,  that  the  culminating  point  of  its 
sufferings  had  been  reached,  and  began  to  give  its 
lungs  free  play. 

"  I'll  take  it  again,"  said  the  motherly  woman, 
and  disappeared  as  before.  The  professor  sighed 
savagely.  Resentment  filled  his  hitherto  gentle 
breast.  He  felt  like  one  in  the  clutches  of  a 
small  relentless  fiend.  The  child  was  an  incubus. 
If  it  were  only  dark  enough,  he  knew  he  should 
be  tempted  to  throw  it  out  of  the  car-window. 
But  oh,  strange  illusion  of  human  nature  !  when 
the  baby  came  again  upon  the  scene,  cleansed, 
encouraged,  satisfied,  and  smiling,  all  its  dimples 
in  the  old  places,  and  actually  held  out  its  little  fat 
hands  to  him  as  if  claiming  protection,  the  soft, 
foolish  heart  was  wax  again,  though  he  would 
have  given  worlds  to  rid  himself  of  the  incum- 
brance. 

"  Won't  you  keep  it,  ma'am  ? "  he  asked  anx 
iously.  "  You're  a  mother,  and  you  know  how  to 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  37 

deal  with  them.  It  may  be  somebody  would  take 
it  off  your  hands." 

"  Really,  sir,  I  don't  understand  you,"  said  the 
motherly  woman.  "  I  have  done  as  much  for  a 
strange  child,  I  think,  as  I  am  called  to  do." 

"  So  have  I,"  ruefully  sighed  the  professor. 

"  Do  you  wish  to  give  your  child  away  ?  Is  its 
mother  dead  ?  If  so,  sir,  I  consider  you  an  un 
natural  father, — an  unnatural  father,  sir;"  and 
her  eyes  burned  under  her  spectacles.  "  As  for 
me,  I  have  brought  up  ten,  and  my  youngest  is 
only  six  months  ;  and  none  of  them  on  the  bottle, 
—  no,  sir,  not  one." 

"We'll  —  we'll  change  the  subject,"  said  the 
professor,  with  a  weak  smile.  "I  —  I've  rather  a 
remote  acquaintance  with  the  milky  way :  of 
course  I  refer  to  the  nebulous'  stars,  averaging 
from  the  tenth  to  the  eleventh  degree  of  magni 
tude  ;  and  "  — 

"  Tarry ville  ! "  cried  the  conductor. 

"  I  really  believe,"  muttered  the  professor,  as  he 
carefully  lifted  the  baby,  — "  I  really  believe  I 
made  a  pun — and  I  hate  puns." 

"Is  that  man  foolish,  or  crazy?"  queried  the 
motherly  woman  of  her  neighbor. 


38  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

"  I  know  he  gave  me  a  dreadful  bump,"  was  the 
response,  with  a  gesture  of  pain. 

A  tender  twilight  was  coming  on.  The  profes 
sor  had  buttoned  up  his  coat,  in  the  car,  to  the 
very  throat,  and  tied  his  yellow  bandanna  about 
his  chin.  He  now  drew  his  broad-brimmed  hat 
much  lower,  till  he  nearly  concealed  his  eyebrows. 
Fortunately  there  were  but  four  people  who  left 
the  cars,  none  of  them  familiar  to  him.  The  baby 
was  still  asleep.  He  passed  the  depot  with  his 
head  averted,  and  looking  out  as  sharply  as  he 
could,  with  his  uncertain  eyes,  that  he  ran  into 
nobody.  As  he  approached  the  more  densely 
populated  parts  of  the  town,  his  courage  failed 
him.  Half  blind  and  half  angry,  he  reproached 
himself  arrd  fate.  Suppose,  in  spite  of  his  effort 
at  a  disguise,  somebody  should  know  him  !  He 
had  a  class  of  girls  in  German,  —  keen,  fun-loving 
creatures,  who  had  steadily  endeavored  always  to 
get  the  better  of  him.  And  even  if  he  reached 
home,  and  told  the  truth,  and  all  that,  there  was  a 
certain  flavor  of  the  ludicrous  about  the  whole 
affair,  which  would  cling  to  his  garments  forever. 
He  began  walking  wildly  and  unsteadily  forward, 
lost  in  thought.  One  street  looked  much  the' 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  39 

same  to  him  as  another,  without  his  glasses.  He 
was  not  quite  sure  where  he  was  :  he  felt  jaded, 
dispirited,  and  wearied,  from  his  long  tramp  all 
day  among  the  hills ;  and  he  seemed  to  feel  the 
weight  of  the  specimens  in  his  pocket,  pulling  him 
down  ;  and  the  baby  grew  heavier  and  heavier. 
Lights  began  to  twinkle  in  the  houses ;  he  heard 
the  clatter  of  dishes  now  and  then,  with  the  deli 
cate  clink  of  glass.  A  savory  smell  delighted  his 
nostrils.  He  looked  at  the  baby  :  it  still  slept. 

"  It  may  be  a  temptation  of  Satan,"  he  said  to 
himself  ;  "but  the  flesh  is  weak."  He  ran  up  the 
steps  of  a  house,  hap-hazard,  deposited  the  baby 
tremblingly,  rang  the  bell  enough  almost  to  rouse 
the  dead  ;  then  sprang  backward,  performing  the 
feat  of  tumbling  over  himself  twice,  and  ran  up 
the  street,  down  another,  doubling  and  winding, 
till  he  was  blocks  away,  and  had  leisure  to  stop  and 
draw  one  long,  relieved  breath. 

Untying  his  handkerchief,  lifting  his  hat,  unbut 
toning  his  coat,  and  putting  on  his  second  eyes, 
he  felt  that  Richard  was  himself  again.  He 
threw  out  his  arms,  so  long  burdened  with  that 
small  but  terrible  weight.  He  realized  his  free 
dom,  and  felt  no  compunctions  of  conscience,  like 


40  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

sharp-tongued  spectres,  rise  in  his  bosom.  He 
walked  on  towards  the  river.  There  was  still  light 
enough  to  see  the  glossy  surface  of  its  faint-blue 
level  in  the  dead  calm,  the  reflection  of  the  oppo 
site  shore,  the  twinkle  of  gray  that  the  trees  let 
in  of  the  evening  sky  not  yet  in  shadow  ;  a  boat 
here  and  there,  propelled  by  lazily  plashing  oar ;  a 
dim,  red-shirted  figure,  bending  low  to  the  water's 
edge. 

"  I'll  go  home  by  a  circuitous  route,"  he  said 
smilingly :  "  they  know  my  habits ;  and  I'll  say 
nothing  about  my  little  adventure,  though  it  will 
burn  on  my  tongue,  for  I  always  tell  Lissa  every 
thing." 


THAT    WIFE     OF    MINE.  41 


[E  were  still  talking  about  the  baby,  and 
[wondering  what  was  best  to  be  done. 

"  Do  you  know  what  will  be  said  ? "  I 
asked.  "Why,  my  dear,  it  will  get  in  all  the  papers, 
and  I  shall  have  a  nice  time  of  it  in  '  The  Regula 
tor.'  " 

"  What  possibly  can  be  said  to  your  injury  ?  " 
asked  Lissa  innocently. 

"  Well,  my  political  enemies  might  make  a 
handle  of  it  to  tease  me,  or  rival  papers  get  hold 
of  if.  But  suppose  we  go  down  and  look  at  the 
young  Ishmaelite,"  I  said  ;  and  forthwith  the  pro 
cession  formed,  I  at  the  head,  Lissa  grasping  my 
coat-flaps,  and  Jo,  shaking  that  sentimental  ringlet, 
bringing  up  the  rear. 

"  Vow  to  my  grief  !  "  exclaimed  Tiddy,  as  w,e 
entered  the  dining-room  in  solemn  expectancy, 
"it's  got  almos'  all  its  teef."  The  child  lay  upon 


42  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

her  knees,  carefully  smoothed  out ;  and  a  bottle 
close  by  gave  evidence  that  Tiddy  had  had  her 
own  experience  with  hungry  children.  It  was  so 
bright,  so  pretty,  so  trustful  in  its  unconscious 
ness,  that  my  own  heart  warmed  a  little  as  I  con 
templated  it  in  silence. 

"Why,  Carlos  mine,  it's  a  little  beauty,"  cried 
Lissa,  bending  over  the  dimpled  face  that  laughed 
in  hers. 

"De  Lord's  gub  it  nice  eyes,"  said  Tiddy 
contemplatively,  with  that  inward  chuckle  pecu 
liar  to  the  negro. 

"  O  Jo !  wouldn't  she  look  lovely  in  a  fine  jaconet 
muslin  trimmed  with  Valenciennes  ?  "  cried  Lissa, 
with  renewed  ecstasy. 

"And  a  blue  sack  of  the  thinnest  zephyr," 
added  Jo.  "  Isrit  she  sweet  ? " 

"  My  dear,  it's  a  boy,"  said  I.  "  That  ex 
traordinary  development  in  front  of  the  temples 
promises  well  for  his  future  excellence  in  intel 
lectual  attainments." 

Old  Tiddy  gave  me  one  look,  —  it  was  almost 
contemptuous,  —  turned  her  face  aside,  and  tossed 
her  gray  old  head. 

"Well,  efit's  a* boy,"  she  said,  "den  de  Lord's 


THAT    WlfE    OF    MINE.  43 

made  a  big  mistake.  You  can  call  her  Jim  ef 
you  will,  but  I  sh'd  call  her  Dinah  ef  she  was  my 
color." 

I  bowed  before  woman's  superior  wisdom. 

"  O  Charlie  !  may  I  keep  her  ? "  and  the  look  I 
never  could  resist  was  turned  towards  me. 

"  I  can't  consent  that  you  should  take  so  much 
care  and  trouble  :  you  don't  know  any  thing  about 
it,"  was  my  answer. 

"  But  /  do,  brother  Charlie  :  I've  taken  care  of 
children.  Lissa  may  consider  it  a  plaything  ;  I'll 
take  all  the  care  of  it :  I've  nothing  else  to  do," 
was  Jo's  plea. 

"And  we'll  have  a  nurse,  you  know,"  echoed 
Lissa. 

"  But  what  will  people  say  ?  " 

Lissa  turned,  and  gave  me  a  curious  look. 

"  I  thought  I  haf  my  husband  who  cares  not  for 
Mrs.  Grundy ! "  she  said,  in  her  delicious  brogue, 
and  with  flashing  eyes.  "  What  would  Heaven  say 
when  you  pass  by  on  the  other  side  ?  /  would  be 
\he  good  Samaritan,  and  care  nothing  of  all  at  the 
world !  " 

She  looked  glorious  as  she  spoke  thus,  and  I 
own  I  felt  correspondingly  foolish  ;  though  why, 


44  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

in  all  the  States  of  Columbia,  I  should  take  and 
do  for  this  young  stranger,  was  more  than  I  could 
understand. 

"Its  parents  maybe  very  improper  people,"  I 
added,  anxious  to  try  her  further. 

"So  much  the  better  for  her,  if  she  fall  into 
goot  hands,"  said  my  wife  steadily. 

"  Are  you  really  in  earnest,  Lissa  ?  And  you, 
Jo,  are  you  willing  to  take  the  responsibility  of 
nourishing  and  cherishing  this  young  castaway  ?" 

"Cow's  milk  an'  cracklings,"  murmured  Tiddy, 
in  a  reverie.  "  Laws,  you  ken  brung  up  a  chile 
a'mos'  on  nuthin.  It's  de  mental  fuss  an'  de  cal- 
culashun  dat  tells  on  de  sperrit.  De  Lord  grows 
'em  right  along." 

"  I'm  willing  to  try,"  said  Jo  meditatively. 

"  We  can  keep  it  a  while,  you  know,  and  see," 
said  Lissa,  carefully  placing  her  words. 

"  Then  the  court  is  willing,"  was  my  response. 
"What  are  you  going  to  do  with  the  youngster 
while  we  eat  supper  ? " 

"  I'll  tote  it  in  my  room,  and  put  it  to  bed,"  said 
Tiddy,  cuddling  the  infant  in  her  capacious  arms, 
and  leaving  the  trio  alone. 

"  Jo,  we'll  have  a  nice  little  nursery  in  the  third 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  45 

story,"  said  Lissa,  "just  as  we  do  in  Germany." 
And  she  poured  out  the  tea  after  her  usual  laugh 
ing  fashion,  while  I  passed  round  the  biscuits  for 
which  our  old  Tiddy  was  famous. 

"  I  don't  know  why  we  should  particularly  want 
a  German  nursery,"  said  Jo,  who  was  intensely 
patriotic.  "American  customs  are  good  enough 
for  me,  /  should  say  "  —  And  here  she  paused 
with  a  wry  face,  while  the  curl  on  her  forehead 
quivered  sympathetically. 

"  I  hope  there  will  be  no  difference  of  opinion," 
said  I,  biting  into  my  biscuit ;  and  there  /  stopped, 
with  the  morsel  between  my  teeth,  and  a  queer 
quiver  of  the  facial  muscles. 

Lissa  by  this  time  had  tasted  her  tea ;  a  little 
cry  escaped  her,  and  she  shuddered  from  head  to 
foot. 

"  I  hope  it  isn't  a  case  of  wholesale  poisoning," 
was  my  first  remark. 

"  The  baby  couldn't  certainly  have  done  it," 
laughed  Jo,  I  almost  thought  maliciously. 

"It's  in  the  biscuit  too,"  I  said,  as,  tasting  my 
tea,  I  made  a  worse  face  than  before,  and  shook 
my  head. 

"  What  can  Tiddy  have  been  thinking  about  ?  " 


46  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

queried  Lissa  pettishly :  "  she  is  getting  too  old 
to  cook.  Try  the  cake  :  that  was  baked  this  after 
noon." 

"Sugared  with  salt,  just  the  same,"  I  said,  after 
sniffing  at  the  rich-looking  loaf. 

"  My  dear  Lissa,  if  I  were  you  I  would  never 
come  into  the  kitchen,"  said  Jo  mildly. 

"  Why !  what  have  I  to  do  with  it  ? "  queried 
Lissa,  her  lips  quivering.  "  I  don't  cook." 

"  No  ;  but  you  would  put  the  things  into  boxes 
this  noon,  you  know,  and  you  probably  put  the 
sugar  in  the  salt-box:  there's  no  other  way  of 
accounting  for  it." 

"  I'm  always  doing  something  wrong, "  mur 
mured  my  wife,  looking  at  me  appealingly. 

"You're  always  doing  something  unique,  I'll 
allow,"  I  said,  laughing ;  "  but  it's  nothing  so  very 
dreadful.  If  Tiddy  had  just  tasted  "  — 

"  But  she  never  does  taste,"  said  Lissa,  gather 
ing  the  cake  and  biscuit  together :  "  I  wish  we  had 
somebody  that  did." 

"Don't  trouble  yourself,  dear:  let  me  call  Tiddy. 
Oh  !  I  forgot,"  and  I  assumed  as  demure  an  expres 
sion  as  I  could  call  up  :  "she's  got  that  baby." 

"  It   doesn't   hurt   to  wait    upon   myself,"  saM 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  47 

Lissa,  carefully  guarding  her  speech.  "You  know 
we  shall  have  a  nurse-girl  "  — 

"To  wait  upon,"  I  added  significantly.  My 
wife  looked  a  little  cross ;  but  she  and  Jo  cleared 
the  table,  brought  on  some  old  bread  and  new 
preserves,  and  just  as  we  prepared  to  taste  the  tea 
dashed  with  its  proper  elements,  a  peculiar  ring 
sounded  at  the  door. 

"  Gonrad,  dear  old  fellow  !  "  exclaimed  Lissa. 

"  The  professor  ! "  said  Jo,  with  a  slight  infu 
sion  of  red  in  her  cheeks.  I  had  noticed  before 
that  she  always  colored  at  sound  of  his  step,  or  if 
he  came  unexpectedly. 

"  I'll  let  him  in,"  said  I,  "  as  Tiddy  is  busy  with 

•v 

the  baby."  There  was  a  mellow  emphasis  about 
the  last  of  my  sentence,  that  made  Lissa  frown 
and  shrug  her  shoulders,  .and  call  me  a  bear ;  but 
I  went  sturdily  up  stairs,  like  a  man  conscious  of 

having  the  truth  on  his  side,  and  let  the  professor 
in. 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 


Chapter 


E  told  the  story  of  the  salted  supper  with 
great  glee.  The  professor  laughed  merri 
ly,  and  declared  that  hot  biscuit  was  bad 
for  the  digestion,  and  that  for  his  part,  though  he 
always  ate  it  when  it  was  set  before  him,  he  was 
very  glad  of  the  more  wholesome  cold  bread. 

I  had  never  seen  my  good  friend  and  brother 
Conrad  in  better  spirits.  He  was  really,  as  Lissa 
said  afterwards,  jolly.  Every  thing  pleased  him, 
and  he  praised  and  ate  the  preserves  extrava 
gantly. 

Splendid  time  !  Lectured  to  a  large  house  — 
vote  of  thanks,  and  fifty  dollars.  Meant  to  bring 
Lissa  some  fruit  or  flowers,  but  (here  he  played  a 
little  nervously  with  his  fork)  he  staid  so  late 
in  his  geological  researches,  that  —  that  it  wasn't 
really  possible.  Fine  country  up  there,  splendid 
rocks  ;  reminded  him  of  Germany  more  than  any 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  49 

place  he  had  been  in.  Liked  the  people  —  ahem  ! 
that  is,  he  hadn't  seen  much  of  the  people ;  and 
then  he  inquired  in  a  roundabout  way  if  Lissa 
had  met  any  of  his  friends. 

"  Of  course  you  mean  Miss  Walters,"  laughed 
Lissa,  while  Jo  put  down  her  cup  hastily. 

Miss  Walters  was  the  daughter  of  the  dean  of 
the  university ;  a  splendid  girl,  not  beautiful,  but 
with  a  face  sufficiently  striking  to  attract  the  atten 
tion  at  once.  Hers  was  a  lovely  and  most  lovable 
character,  and  in  the  German  class  she  invariably 
carried  off  the  honors.  We  thought,  Lissa  and  I, 
that  Conrad  was  in  love  with  her.  He  watched 
her  lips  when  she  spoke  :  there  was  a  certain  inde 
finable  tenderness  in  the  way  he  pronounced  her 
name,  and  little  germ-hints  in  his  reveries,  suf 
ficiently  strong  to  give  Lissa  the  clew  to  his 
thoughts.  And  Miss  Walters  did  not  seem  averse 
to  his  attentions.  He  walked  home  with  her  some 
times  from  lectures  ;  and  the  dean  was  very  partic 
ular  and  precise,  and  seldom  allowed  any  one  the 
pleasure  of  his  daughter's  society,  for  she  was  his 
only  child  and  like  the  very  apple  of  his  eye. 

"I  mean  —  any  of  my  friends,"  said  the  profes 
sor  cheerfully,  "  Miss  Walters  among  them,  of 


50  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

course ; "  and  he  blushed  a  little,  and  very  graciously 
offered  Miss  Jo  the  bread-plate,  which  she  de 
clined,  as  there  was  no  bread  in  it.  There  was  no 
use  in  his  begging  pardon :  everybody  laughed, 
though  there  was  a  little  vexed  look  between  my 
sister's  eyebrows,  and  I  knew  from  that  moment 
that  she  was  no  friend  to  Miss  Walters. 

"  Conrad,  do  you  know,  dear,  that  this  is  your 
fourth  cup  ? "  asked  Lissa  archly. 

"  Ah,  yes,  but  I  am  so  thirsty !  I  had  a  hard 
walk  of  it  to-day,  —  yes,  a  very  hard  walk ;  and  I 
went  without  my  dinner  too,  but  that  you  know 
is  nothing." 

"  Without  your  dinner !  "  cried  Lissa,  "  and  not 
a  bit  of  hearty  food  on  the  table.  Dear  me !  Tiddy 
must  get  some  cold  meat  immediately.  Call 
Tiddy,  somebody." 

"  My  dear,  you  forget  that  Tiddy  is  engaged," 
I  said  in  my  softest  and  slowest  tone.  A  look  of 
annoyance  crossed  Lissa's  expressive  countenance, 
but  she  was  equal  to  the  emergency. 

"  Oh,  yes !  I  did  forget,"  she  responded  with  a 
significant  gesture,  which  meant,  "  Don't  tell  Con 
rad  just  yet."  "But  I  know  where  the  meat  is. 
Come,  Charlie,  the  ice-chest  is  for  me  too  much ; " 
and  off  I  went  like  a  big  boy  at  her  beck. 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  51 

"  I  don't  know  what  to  speak  to  Conrad,  —  how 
to  explain  it,  I  mean,"  she  said  gravely,  as  I 
lifted  the  heavy  lid,  and  she  deftly  carved  a  few 
thin  slices  of  cold  mutton.  "  I  wish  that  thought 
less  fellow  had  got  his  dinner.  Tiddy  saved  this 
for  breakfast.  You  men  are  so  much  alike  ! " 

"  Yes,  we  are  something  on  the  same  pattern,  I 
suppose,"  I  rejoined;  "but  why  don't  you  want  to 
let  Conrad  know  about  the  baby  ? " 

"  Well,  simply  for  the  reason,  I  suppose,  that  he 
will  laugh  at  me." 

"Aha!  who  is  afraid  of  the  world  now?"  said 
I  triumphantly. 

"  But  Conrad  is  not  the  world,  don't  you  see  ? 
if  it  was  anybody  but  Conrad,  I  wouldn't  care." 
She  held  the  plate  of  meat  in  one  hand,  and  had 
taken  up  the  candle,  poising  it  at  such  an  angle, 
unconsciously,  that  she  made  of  herself  one  of 
the  finest  Rembrandt-paintings  in  flesh  and  blood 
that  I  had  ever  seen,  more  exquisite  than  any  in 
the  galleries  of  Europe. 

"  What  are  you  looking  at  me  for  so  ? "  she 
asked  as  I  stood  transfixed. 

"  I  was  only  wishing  I  were  an  artist,  and  could 
take  the  light  and  shadow  of  your  face  just  now," 
I  made  reply. 


52  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

"  Nonsense  !  You  will  do  what  Conrad  failed  to 
do,"  she  said,  blushing,  —  "  spoil  me,  if  you  praise 
me  so  much." 

"  But  how  do  you  know  I  was  praising  you  ?  I 
only  spoke  of  lights  and  shadows." 

"Then  you  didn't  think  it  was  pretty?"  she 
said  naively.  It  was  so  much  like  a  woman  ! 

"  No,  I  thought  it  was  beautiful,"  was  my  re 
sponse,  with  a  kiss  that  nearly  put  out  the  candle 
—  for  we  used  that  primitive  light  when  we  went 
through  the  passages,  as  the-  ell  of  the  house  was 
new,  and  as  yet  had  no  gas-fixtures  put  in. 

Conrad  protested  against  the  trouble,  but  ate 
his  cold  meat  with  an  appetite.  Suddenly  a 
strange  sound  saluted  our  ears.  It  was  an  infan 
tile  scream,  and  a  lusty  one. 

"  The  baby  is  crying ! "  exclaimed  Lissa  with  an 
expression  I  feel  it  impossible  to  describe. 

"  The  baby  !  what  baby  ? "  and  Conrad  laid  down 
knife  and  fork,  and  it  seemed  as  if  all  the  color 
went  out  of  his  face. 

Enter  Tiddy,  her  turban  awry,  her  face  flushed 
with  that  peculiar  hue  which  denotes  trouble  in 
the  sable  soul,  her  neckerchief  torn  and  otherwise 
disturbed,  her  forehead  and  mouth  puckered  and 
quivering. 


'THAT   -WIFE    OF    MINE.  53 

"  Ef  dis  yer  chile  hasn't  got  a  small  debble 
inside  o'  her,  den  I  ain't  a  baptized  Christian," 
said  poor  Tiddy,  and  then  stopped  breathless. 
The  change  to  a  brilliant  light  worked  wonders  ; 
the  small  woman  stopped,  and  began  looking 
round  out  of  eyes  rimmed  with  large  salt-water 
brilliants,  till  it  seemed  as  if  her  glance  fastened 
itself  on  the  professor.  As  for  him,  his  eyes 
grew  large,  and  his  forehead  paler  and  paler. 

" Well,"  he  panted,  "I  —  I'm  surprised.  I  — 
I'm  astonished.  I  —  I  may  say  —  I'm  haunted," 
he  added  in  a  curiously  changed  voice,  and  his 
hands  trembled  as  he  wiped  the  perspiration  from 
his  temples. 

"  Hy,  'fessor  !  "  exclaimed  Tiddy,  her  wrinkled 
brow  clearing  up  a  little  as  she  began  tossing  the 
baby.  "  I's  glad  ter  see  yer  home,  an'  so's  this 
blessed  baby,  I  reckon." 

"Wha  —  what?  Wher — .where  did  you  get 
it?"  gasped  the  professor,  rising  and  steadying 
himself  ;  then,  catching  himself  up  with  a  haggard 
smile,  "It  —  it's  a  queer  sight  in  this  house." 

"  Some  man's  been  done  gone  sot  dat  ar'  chile 
on  de  steps*  an'  den  he  flew,"  said  the  old  woman 
with  characteristic  gestures,  pawing  the  air  with 


54  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

her  unoccupied  arm,  and  looking  like  an  animated 
wind-mill. 

"How  do  you  know  it  was  a  man  ? "  I  asked, 
eying  my  friend  Conrad  with  some  surprise  : 
"  Did  you  see  him  ?  "  Conrad  turned  away 
abruptly. 

"  Man  must  'a'  put  it-  dar,  shore,  'cause  man 
don't  kar  what  becomes  o'  this  yer  sort  gin'ly. 
Didn't  see  God  lookin'  right  down  on  him,  reck 
on." 

They  were  all  intent  upon  the  baby,  and  it  was 
well.  I  saw,  without  seeming  to,  that  Conrad 
staggered  as  he  moved,  and  his  face  was  certainly 
a  study. 

-  "  Conrad,  are  you  sick  ?  "  asked  Lissa,  suddenly 
turning  round. 

"  Not  at  all,  but  very  tired,"  he  replied  quietly. 
"  I  believe  I'll  go  to  my  room."  She  went  up  to 
him  with  a  good-night  kiss,  and  threw  her  arms 
about  his  neck. 

"Would  you  keep  it,  Conrad,  the  poor  little 
forsaken  thing  ?  '  she  asked.  "  I  know  you  will 
say  yes." 

"  Of  course,"  he  responded  feebly.   • 

"  You  dear  old  goose !  "  and  there  was  a  raptur 
ous  hug. 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  55 

"  Conrad  says  yes,  without  an  if  or  an  and," 
said  Lissa,  turning  to  me  as  he  left  the  room  ; 
only  she  said  it  in  the  most  curiously  broken  lan 
guage  which  I  cannot  render  here,  her  way  of 
saying  it  making  its  chiefest  charm. 


56  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 


Chapter  3Etfl{rt, 

T  must  have  been  eleven  o'clock  when 
Lissa  graciously  accorded  me  her  com 
pany  that  night.  For  full  two  hours  she 
had  been  trotting  between  my  room  and  Jo's, 
bringing  me  accurate  reports  of  the  situation,  and 
at  last  assuring  me  that  the  baby  was  asleep  for 
the  night.  I  hoped  so,  but  doubted  it. 

A  light  knock  at  the  door  confirmed  my  fears. 
Lissa  had  retired  ;  but  I  fully  expected  a  message 
from  the  infantile  side  of  the  house. 

A  haggard  face  met  my  gaze :  it  was  Conrad, 
in  his  dressing-gown,  his  hair  brushed  from  his 
forehead,  his  expression  uncanny. 

"  I  came  down  to  ask  you  up  into  my  room.  Is 
Lissa  asleep  ? " 

"  I  don't  think  she  is,"  I  replied. 

"  Can  you  come  up  for  a  few  moments  ?  I  have 
something  to  tell  you." 


THAT    WIPE    OF    MINE.  57 

His  manner  was  so  earnest  and  solemn,  that  I 
felt  a  thrill  of  dread  tingle  through  my  nerves. 

"  Certainly  I  can  come,  though  it  is  rather  late," 
I  said. 

"  I  know  it,  but  I  won't  keep  you  long."  So  I 
told  Lissa  I  was  going  up  stairs  with  Conrad,  and 
would  be  back  soon  ;  then  I  followed  him  on  tip 
toe,  warned  by  Lissa,  as  I  left,  not  to  wake  the 
baby.  I  am  afraid  I  said,  "  Confound  the  baby  ! " 
with  unnecessary  vehemence,  even  under  my 
breath.  As  I  passed  Jo's  room,  I  know  I  knocked 
over  a  pyramid  consisting  of  waiters,  cans,  and 
goblets,  sufficient  to  rouse  a  whole  orphan-asylum ; 
and  that  further,  the  professor's  dressing-gown, 
catching  in  some  other  surreptitious  article, 
dragged  it  clattering  for  what  seemed  a  mile  of 
drugget,  bringing  us  both  up  standing,  and  look 
ing  at  each  other  with  rising  hair,  and  that  expres 
sion  of  mingled  terror  and  malignity  which  for 
tunately  can  be  substituted  for  something  worse. 
"  For  out  of  the  mouth  of  man  cometh  "  —  you 
know  the  quotation,  —  especially  when  he  is 
grieved,  at  his  heart. 

We  gained  Conrad's  room  at  last,  a  pleasant 
student's  apartment,  bright  with  choice  books, 


50  THAT     WIFE     OF     MINK. 

chiefly  his  German  collection,  where  his  flute-stand 
and  music-rack,  guitar  and  foils,  had  each  their 
appropriate  place  ;  Lissa's  taste  having  contrived 
a  recess  for  the  bed,  which  was  curtained  off  from 
the  rest  of  the  room.  Conrad  gravely  shut  the 
door,  locked  it  carefully,  placed  two  chairs  oppo 
site  each  other,  and  gravely  beckoned  me  to  seat 
myself. 

With  a  feeling  that  some  dread  incantation  was 
about  to  be  inaugurated,  I  sat  down  facing  him. 

"  You  will  be  astonished  to  learn,"  he  said,  — 
the  tassel  of  his  study-cap  throwing  a  portentous 
shadow  over  his  nose,  —  "  that  — /  left  that  baby 
upon  your  doorstep." 

I  don't  think  a  cannon-ball  passing  within  an 
inch  of  my  left  temple  would  have  more  com 
pletely  stunned  me  out  of  my  self-possession.  I 
could  only  draw  back  in  my  chair  and  look  at  him. 
I  suppose  I  said  with  some  emphasis, — 

"You!". 

Though  I  was  not  really  conscious  of  ha'ving 
spoken,  for  he  answered,  — 

"Ye's,  I;  and  I  count  it  an  almost  miraculous 
coincidence;  for,  I  assure  you,  I  didn't  mean  it." 

"But,  my  dear  fellow,"  said  I,  "where  in  the 
name  of  wonder,  did  you  get  it  ? " 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  59 

He  began  to  tell  his  story,  and  I  began  to  laugh. 
Not  even  the  thought  of  that  sleeping  cherub 
down  stairs  restrained  me.  I  saw  him  blundering 
about  without  his  glasses.  I  followed  the  fortunes 
of  that  unhappy  baby  with  smothered  throes,  until 
he  came  to  the  place  where  his  courage  failed  him, 
and  he  wandered  about  the  streets  with  which 
ordinarily  he  was  familiar,  like  a  blind  man. 
Then,  as  I  saw  him  deliberately  place  the  uncon 
scious  Arab  on  his  own  doorstep,  the  ecstasy  cul 
minated  :  I  silently  went  down  on  my  knees,  and 
then  I  rolled  and  laughed,  and  laughed  and  rolled, 
till  I  brought  down  the  music-stand,  with  all  its 
accompaniments,  upon  my  head,  while  the  professor 
stood  protesting  and  laughing  alternately,  declar 
ing  that  I  would  wake  up  the  household,  and  add 
ing,  with  tears  in  his  eyes,  that  he  didn't  see  as  it 
was  any  matter  to  be  merry  over. 

A  knock  at  the  door,  which  brought  me  to  my 
senses.  I  opened  it,  and  there  stood  Lissa,  curi 
ously  involved  in  her  double  shawl,  and  pale  as 
any  ghost. 

.  "My  dear!"  I  cried,  in  consternation. 
-     "I    heard   such   dreadful   noises;    and   then    I 
dreamed  that  you  and  Conrad  were_  fighting  one 


60  THAT    WI-FE    OF    MINE. 

of  those  miserable  German  duels.  Of  course  I 
was  very  foolish,  as  I  always  am,  and  dreadfully 
frightened." 

"  You  silly  child !  The  idea  of  my  fighting  with 
Conrad  !  We  had  a  little  business  together :  that 
was  all,"  I  said,  screwing  my  mouth  up ;  and  then 
I  turned  to  him. 

"  Not  a  word,  yet  a  while,"  I  muttered  in  an 
undertone  :  "  keep  your  secret,  and  I  will  keep 
mine.  Good-night ; "  and  we  parted.  I  left  Lissa 
at  Jo's  door,  going  just  to  look  at  baby ;  and  I 
didn't  see  her  again  that  night,  for  no  sooner  did 
my  head  touch  the  pillow  than  I  was  asleep ;  and 
though  I  wake  tolerably  late, — just  in  time  gen* 
erally  to  see  my  wife  putting  on  the  finishing 
touches  at  the  mirror,  —  I  failed  to  hear  the  first 
rustle,  or  catch  the  light  of  eyes  watching  for  me, 
the  next  morning. 

I  did  not  see  much  of  the  baby  that  day.  Lissa 
walked  herself  into  a  fever  in  search  of  a  nurse ; 
and  I  found  myself  confronted  by  a  moon-faced 
young  lady  of  French  extraction,  extravagantly 
attired,  when  I  returned  from  the  office. 

"  We  want  a  nice-looking  nurse,  you  know," 
said  Lissa;  "and  so  few  will  wear  the  real  bonne 
cap ! " 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  6l 

"  What  do  you  give  her  for  her  nice  looks,  my 
love?"  I  asked,  pleased  to  see  her  pleased. 

"  Only  twenty  dollars  a  month." 

"  My  child !  "  I  exclaimed,  aghast.  "  Do  you 
know  that  is  nearly  twice  as  much  as  we  give  our 
cook  Tiddy  ? " 

"  Why,  I  could  hardly  get  her  to  come,  because 
we  kept  not  a  carriage,"  was  Lissa's  reply. 

"  So  she  expected  to  be  taken  an  airing  every 
day  or  two,  did  she  ?  What  that  baby  will  cost 
us!" 

Lissa  drew  back  a  little  petulantly. 

"  If  it  cannot  afforded  be,  then  I  will  send  her 
away,"  she  said. 

"  It  shall  be  afforded,  mine  vrow,  if  it  pleases 
you,"  I  said.  "  It  is  to  be  presumed  that  this 
young  lady  will  ^mature  as  fast  as  others  of  her 
species ;  that  is,  that  all  traces  of  childhood  will 
have  vanished  by  the  time  she  attains  her  fifth 
year,  and  she  will  begin  to  attitudinize  for  the 
benefit  of  the  young  gentlemen  hereabouts." 

"  You  do  make  every  thing  into  fun,"  she  said, 
her  face  still  clouded. 

"  Not  you,  my  darling  :  I  never  make  fun  of  you, 
whatever  you  do." 


62  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

X 

"  And  —  and  you  won't  scold,  if  I  tell  you  there 
is  something  else  ? " 

"  Of  course  not.  What  is  it,  —  a  new  bib  and 
tucker  ? " 

''A  —  a  baby-carriage." 

•'  Oh  !  "  and  visions  of  new  and  expensive  nurs 
ery  furniture  floated  in  blue  and  gold  through  my 
imagination. 

"  Yes :  I  went  up  to  Locke's,  because  that  you 
told  me  never  to  go  but  to  the  very  best  places  ;  and 
it  is  such  a  beauty!" 

"  I  dare  say,"  I  responded  gravely. 

"  With  the  dearest  little  white-satin  curtains,  that 
draw  at  the  back,  and  don't  not  let  the  sun  in  at 
the  least." 

"  Do  not,  my  dear,"  I  corrected. 

"  Yes,  do  not  let  no  sun  in  at  all." 

"  Don't  let  any  sun  in." 

"  Yes,  don't  let  not  any  sun  in  :  that  is  what  I 
meant  to  say,"  she  went  on  excitedly,  her  eyes 
sparkling,  and  her  cheeks  brightening,  so  that  I 
entirely  forgot  my  surprise  in  contemplating  her 
beauty. 

"  And  what  did  the  carriage  cost  ?" 

"  Why,  I  think,"  and  she  scrutinized  the  carpet, 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  63 

- —  "I  think  he  said  he  would  take  under  ten  dollars 
for  cash." 

"Ah  !  you  mean  take  off." 

"Yes,  yes;  take  off,  and  let  me  have  it  for 
seventy-jive  dollars" 

It  was  rather  steep,  considering  I  was  unwill 
ingly  called  upon  to  do  the  duty  of  a  step-father ; 
but  I  kept  my  temper,  and  mused  in  silence  for 
the  space  of  a  minute  and  a  half. 

"And  then"  —  she  broke  the  silence,  —  a  dead 
pause  again  —  "I  got  the  bathing-tub." 

"My  dear,"  said  I  explosively,  "there  are  bath 
ing-tubs  in  the  house, ,  extremely  fine  ones,  that 
cost  me  a  mint  of  money." 

"But  not  bathing-tubs  for  a  baby,"  she  said 
quickly. 

Oh,  that  wife  of  mine ! 

"  No ;  that  is  very  true,"  I  said  quietly.  "  I 
didn't  allow  for  the  baby  when  I  put  them  in." 

"Besides,  if  we  are  going  to  have  a  nursery, 
we  must  have  things  a  little  suitable  to  it.  And 
so  I  bought  a  chair,  and  some  jingles,  and  rubber 
for  its  teeth  to  gnaw  on  like  a  little  mouse  ;  but 
they  will  all  be  here  in  a  short,  small  time,  then 
you  shall  see  them." 


64  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

I  put  on  a  pair  of  mental  spectacles  of  the 
largest  magnifying  power,  and  took  my  wife  by 
the  hand. 

"  You  are  the  most  charming  woman  in  the 
world,"  I  said;  "but  at  the  same  time,  allow  me 
the  liberty  of  adding,  the  completest  little  fraud 
that  ever  a  good-natured  man  was  humbugged 
by ; "  and  I  surveyed  her  with  my  sweetest  smile. 

"  Frod,"  she  ejaculated.  "What's  a  frod? 
Charlie,  are  you  making  fun  at  me  ? " 

"No,  my  dear.  I  am  not  making  fun  at  you, 
or  of  you ;  but  I  wish  you  to  look  at  this  matter 
in  the  light  of  sober  common  sense.  This  is  not 
our  child.  No  amount  of  dressing,  or  caring  for, 
or  spending,  will  make  it  our  child." 

"  It  is  God's  child,"  she  said  in  a  quavering, 
solemn  little  voice. 

"  Ahem !  well,  that  may  be,"  I  said,  clearing 
my  throat.  "  Undoubtedly  there  is  some  truth  in 
your  assertion,  if  not  more ;  but  at  the  same  time 
it  is  only  thrown  upon  our  hands  for  the  present. 
Don't  you  see,  it  may  be  claimed  by  somebody." 

She  shook  her  head. 

"The  child's  mother  may  be  living." 

"  Oh,  no,  no  !  Mothers  only  leave  their  children 
when  they  die.  No  living  mother  could  do  so  !  " 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  65 

•  "  We  don't  know :  there  may  have  been  reasons, 
powerful  reasons,  —  hunger,  distress." 

"  I  would  die  with  it,  then  !  I  would  die  with 
it !  "  she  cried  passionately.  - 

What  would  you  have  done,  reader,  with  that 
wife  of  mine  —  that  is,  if  she  had  been  your  wife  ? 
Actually  the  words  stuck  in  my  throat,  and,  with 
some  other  indefinable  sensation,  produced  such  a 
choking  that  I  let  silence  do  duty  for  speech  for 
a  considerable  period.  I  don't  mind  saying  that 
things  danced  about  somewhat,  through  the  mist 
that  happened  in  my  eyes  just  at  that  period, 
including  Lissa,  who  seemed  indulging  in  a  re 
markable  kind  of  polka,  now  here,  now  there.  At 
last  —  I  hated  to  do  it,  but  tears  running  down  at 
a  man's  nose,  you  know,  have  a  ridiculous  effect,  — ' 
and  so  I  took  out  my  handkerchief,  and,  pretend 
ing  to  sneeze,  rubbed  my  eyes  dry. 

"  Lissa,"  said  I,  looking  serious  without  the 
least  effort,  and  speaking  with  editorial  brevity, 
"  that  baby  is  yours.  I  give  you  carte  blancJie  to 
any  extent  save  absolute  ruin.  Amen." 


66  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 


Chapter  Nine, 

JF  course  people  talked.  That  hydra  head 
set  all  its  tongues  wagging.  Not  that  we 
heard  what  was  said  ;  but  a  baby-carriage 
and  a  French  nurse,  and  a  doctor's  chaise  every 
second  day,  and  a  new  girl  for  the  door-bell,  —  all 
these  at  one  and  the  same  period,  with  no  premo 
nitions  before,  and  no  explanations  after  (except 
to  a  select  few),  were  assuredly  sufficient  cause, 
even  in  a  comparatively  new  neighborhood,  to 
awaken  and  stimulate  curiosity  to  an  unlimited 
extent. 

We  made  no  particular  mystery  about  it,  merely 
saying  to.  special  friends  that  it  had  been  put  in 
bur  charitable  keeping,  leaving  our  neighbors  to 
find  out  for  themselves  by  whom,  if  they  could. 

Meantime  the  baby  lived  like  a  queen's  child 
and  an  heir  to  the  throne.  It  was  an  exception 
ally  good-tempered  little  thing,  always  rosy  and 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  67 

dimpled,  always  ready  to  be  tossed  and  tumbled ; 
and  though  I  could  not  for  the  life  of  me  feel  any 
thing  more  than  a  friendly  and  wish-it-well  sort  of 
interest,  still,  as  I  had  to  foot  the  bills,  and  they 
were  occasionally,  to  state  it  mildly,  rather  start 
ling,  the  baby's  presence  in  the  household  was 
something  more  than  a  myth,  even  though  I  seldom 
took  the  pains  to  make  a  more  intimate  acquaint 
ance  with  her  ladyship. 

I  am  sorry  to  say  that  sometimes  I  secretly 
anathematized  the  baby,  with  emotions  that  scarce 
ly  do  credit  to  one's  Christianity.  It  was  on  occa 
sions  when  I  was  ruthlessly  awakened  from  some 
happy  dream  by  a  draught  of  cold  air,  to  learn 
that  my  wife  had  only  run  in  to  see  if  Jo  had  cov 
ered  the  baby  up  well,  and  with  sweet  and  serene 
consciousness  didn't  know  why  I  should  care, — 
she  had  only  been  gone  a  minute. 

Or  when,  in  the  dark  of  the  morning,  busy  over 
my  cogitations  on  some  editorial,  I  was  startled  to 
see  a  ghost  in  a  long  white  gown  gliding  over  the 
carpet,  —  the  light  so  dim  as  to  half-etherealize 
every  object, — with  a  nurse-lamp  in  one  hand, 
and  a  spoon  in  the  other,  the  small  flame  throwing 
those  rich  shadows,  that,  on  my  wife's  face,  always 


68  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

culminated  in  some  new  beauty.  And  yet  I  could 
never  bring  myself  to  chide  her  for  these  night 
wanderings,  since  she  appeared  to  take  such  pleas 
ure  in  them.  I  always  seemed  to  behold  her  plead 
ing  for  some  divine  right  vested  in  that  child,  by 
virtue  of  its  simple  humanity.  I  always  heard  the 
sweet,  low,  tremulous  assertion,  — 

"  It  is  God's  child." 

And  so  I  held  my  peace. 

"  Do  you  know,"  she  said  to  me  one  day,  "  I  am 
almost  more  pleased  on  Jo's  account  than  on  my 
own,  that  we  kept  the  baby  ? " 

"  And  why  ?  "  I  asked  naturally. 

"Because  she  is  happier." 

"  She  seemed  happy  enough  before,"  I  made 
reply. 

"  Ah  !  you  do  not  know  :  you  men  never  see  any 
thing,"  she  said  with  a  mournful  shake  of  the 
head. 

"  Perhaps  I  see  more  than  you  think." 

"  What !  have  you  found  it  out  ?    Poor,  dear  Jo!  " 

"  Possibly  I  have,"  I  said  at  a  venture. 

"  And  you  don't  think  Conrad  sees  it  ?  " 

"No,"  I  answered  contemplatively,  "I  don't 
think  he  does." 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  69 

"  Then  don't  you  ever  make  one  small  hint  to 
him  ;  because  now,  you  see,  the  baby  takes  up  her 
mind." 

What  was  my  wee  wife  driving  at  ?  I  puzzled  my 
brains  in  vain  to  find  a  clew  to  her  meaning.  Had 
Jo  learned  of  Conrad's  complicity  with  our  small 
domestic  institution  ?  No  :  that  could  not  be  it. 

"  You  see,  it  may  not  be  the  best ;  but  it  does 
happen  at  some  times.  The  first  that  I  saw  of 
you,  —  the  very  first,  —  my  heart  went  out  to  you. 
If  you  had  gone  away  and  left  me,  not  knowing, 
the  world  had  been  so  dark  !  " 

Ah  !  I  caught  her  meaning.  Jo,  my  mature  and 
sentimental  sister,  fancied  herself  in  love  with  the 
professor.  Or  it  may  have  been  no  fancy.  Con 
rad's  tender,  woman-like  ways  ;  Conrad's  dark,  fath 
omless  eyes;  beautiful  even  under  those  unroman- 
tic  glasses ;  his  always  gentle  and  almost  lover- 
like  devotion  to  all  women  with  whom  he  was 
thrown  in  social  contact,  —  had  doubtless  led  her  to 
believe  that  he  was  more  interested  in  her  than 
the  dictates  of  mere  friendship  warranted. 

I  was  a  little  astonished  to  see  old  Tiddy,  not 
long  after,  rush  into  the  room  with  eyes  rolling, 
and  hands  flying. 


70  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

"  I  vow  to  my  rest,  Mars'  Charlie,  dem  ar'  two 
wi men-folks  jis'  quarril  dar  eyes  out  over  dat  ar' 
chile." 

"  Quarrel !  what  do  you  mean,  Tiddy  ?  My 
wife  never  quarrels,"  I  said  sternly. 

"Maybe  she  don't,  then,"  said  Tiddy  savagely. 
"Gineral  times  she's  sweet  as  loaf-sugar  b'iled 
"  down ;  but  when  she  gits  the  old  scratch  in  her, 
thar  ain't  a  bar'l  vinegar  in  old  Jarsey  that'll  beat 
her  for  souriness  :  dat's  Hebben's  trufe.  She  won't 
let  dat  ar'  chile  go  to  sleep  in  de  ole-fashioned 
way,  ordered  by  de  Lord  hisself,  fur's  I  know." 

"Tiddy,  if  I  hear  you  talk  disrespectfully  of 
your  mistress,  I'll  send  you  down  South,"  I  said. 

"  Mout's  well.  She's  little,  Miss  Lissa  is,  —  I'll 
'low  that ;  but  when  she  put  her  han'  on  my  shoul 
der,  case  I  sided  wid  de  Lord's  way,  I  jest  spinned 
out ;  an'  Miss  Jo  got  crying ;  dat's  de  gospil  fact, 
I  vow  to  my  rest." 

Was  it  possible  that  Lissa  had  so  far  forgotten 
herself  as  to  push  the  old  negress  out  of  the  room  ? 

"Did  your  mistress  strike  you  ? "  I  asked. 

"  She  put  her  han'  on  me,  and  I  spinned  out. 
I's  too  old  to  be  pushed,  —  make  my  oath  on  dat." 

I  wended  my  way  to  the  nursery  very  reluctantly. 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  71 

There  sat  Jo  by  the  empty  cradle,  — it  had  cost  a 
good  deal  of  money  too, — looking,  especially 
about  the  eyes,  like  a  much-injured  woman.  Lissa, 
her  little  face  set  like  stone,  stood  by  a  crib  which 
had  some  way  got  there  without  my  knowledge, — 
a  recent  purchase,  no  doubt ;  and  on  the  pretty 
embroidered  coverlet  lay  the  child,  sobbing,  and 
evidently  trying  to  assert  its  will,  while  Lissa  held 
it  down  with  one  hand. 

"What  is  the  trouble  ?"  I  asked  impatiently. 

"Lissa  will  let  the  baby  cry  itself  to  death," 
said  Jo,  wiping  her  eyes  with  her  handkerchief. 

"  I  shall  train  this  child  as  it  ought  to  be  trained," 
said  Lissa  firmly.  "  It  is  crying  for  the  cradle." 

"  Well,  isn't  that  the  right  place  for  a  baby  ? " 
I  asked. 

"  Yes,  it  is  ;  and  I  should  have  rocked  it  asleep 
an  hour  ago,"  said  Jo  with  a  sob  in  her  voice. 

"Yes;  and  it  would  always  depend  upon  your 
rocking,"  retorted  Lissa.  "  I  have  been  reading  a 
very  wise  paper,  and  it  gives  good  reasons  against 
rocking  children.  It  hurts  their  heads,  and  it  hurts 
their  spines." 

"  But  I  was  rocked,  and  Jo  was  rocked,  and  you 
were  rocked.  I  don't  know  that  we  are  cerebrally 


72  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

weak,  or  have  any  defect  in  our  spines,  on  that" 
account." 

"That's  what  I  told  her,"  said  Jo. 

"  I  don't  mean  this  baby  will  be  rocked,"  said 
Lissa,  firm  as  the  hills. 

"But,  Lissa,"  said  I,  "do  be  reasonable"  — 

"  March  right  straight  out  of  this  room,  both  of 
you,"  said  Lissa,  coming  up  to  us  flashing  like  a 
small  park  of  artillery.  Jo  actually  ran,  but  I 
stood  the  fire  for  a  moment. 

"Lissa,"  I  said,  softly,  "I  shall  leave  you — to 
your  own  reflections  ;  "  and  walked  off  grenadier- 
fashion,  with  an  imaginary  ramrod  down  my  back. 
Then  I  stood  outside  of  the  door ;  at  one  moment 
boiling  over  with  resentment,  the  next  exploding 
with  laughter.  That  wife  of  mine  had  fairly 
routed  me,  had  proclaimed  herself  master  of  me 
and  all ;  and  even  the  baby  was  succumbing  to 
her  imperious  will,  for  as  I  stood  there  its  sobbings 
gradually  ceased.  I  would  have  given  much  to 
open  the  door,  and  witness  what  was  going  on, 
but  my  pride  prevented  that. 

Not  long  after,  Conrad  came  in. 

"  Well,  Mr.  Professor,"  said  I,  "  you  made  a 
very  fair  soldier  of  that  wife  of  mine.  She  has 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  73 

besieged  the  fortress  in  good  style  ;  conquered  the 
enemy,  driven  out  her  husband  and  her  husband's 
sister,  and  stands  upon  the  ramparts  a  victorious 
general.  How  do  you  manage  these  things  in 
Germany?  Shall  I  own  myself  put  in  -subjection 
by  my  wife  ?  " 

"  I  never  knew  her  to  do  such  a  thing,"  he  said, 
as  I  related  the  facts  from  a  humorous  point  of 
view. 

"  Then  the  baby  has  demoralized  her,  and  I 
have  a  very  great  mind  to  send  it  to  —  Jericho." 

Something  came  softly  behind  me  ;  two  arms 
were  folded  on  my  back ;  and,  as  I  fancied,  some 
body's  face  was  laid  on  the  arms,  and,  as  I  knew, 
somebody  was  sobbing  softly  and  repentantly.  It 
was  a  queer  position,  and  I  didn't  dare  to  laugh, 
and  so  disturb  the  solemnity  of  the  picture.  I 
had  had  my  back  taken  by  reporters  on  very  rare 
occasions  ;,  but  to  be  wept  upon  by  a  small  woman, 
was  a  decidedly  novel  sensation,  and  I  was  care 
ful  not  to  disturb  the  position  till  I  had  had  my 
revenge. 

"  Have  you"  seen  that  superb  picture,"  I  asked 
Conrad,  "  '  When  a  mans  single,  he  lives  at  Jiis 
ease  ' ?  " 


74  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

"  No,  I  have  not,"  was  the  professor's  reply, 
his  eyes  twinkling. 

"  It  gives  one  half  a  longing  for  a  bachelor's 
life,"  I  went  on  relentlessly,  —  "  all  ease  and  con 
tentment,  nobody  to  please  but  himself,  no  indul 
gences  to  buy  " — 

The  sobbing  continued. 

"  Hadn't  you  better  come  round  on  the  other 
side,  little  woman  ?  "  I  queried,  as  Conrad  went 
out  laughing  softly  to  himself.  "  I'm  all  ready  to 
ask  you  to  forgive  me." 

There  was  an  impetuous  rush,  and  a  restrained 
cry  of,  "  O  Charlie  !  " 

"  Is  the  baby  asleep,  my  dear  ?  " 

"  O  Charlie  !  " 

"  Shall  we  sell  the  cradle  ? "  I  whispered, 
smoothing  the  pretty  hair  that  clung  like  gold 
thread  to  my  breast. 

"No — sell  the  crib!  I've  been  harsh  and 
cruel  :  I  didn't  know  it  was  in  me  to  be  so  cruel 
Tell  Jo  to  rock  the  baby  to  sleep,  —  poor  old  Jo  ! 
it's  all  her  comfort  ;  but  she's  so  cross  sometimes  ! 

s 

And  you'll  forgive  me,  won't  you  ?  " 

"  Well,  I  had  a  sort  of  hazy  impression  that  it 
was  my  place  to  ask  forgiveness  :  how  is  it  ?  " 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  75 

"I  hate  myself,  that's  how  it  is;  but  please 
don't  laugh ;  scold  me,  but  don't  laugh.  Where 
is  poor  Tiddy  ?  I've  got  to  ask  her  pardon,  too,  or 
I'm  afraid  she'll  poison  me." 

I  had  to  laugh  outright  now. 

"That's  a  moderately  selfish  motive,  mine 
vrow,"  I  said  caressingly. 

"  Did  you  drive  her  out  of  the  room  too  ?  " 

"  I  have  been  very  bad  indeed,"  was  the  whis 
pered  reply. 

"  Where  did  y1)u  learn  your  tactics,  my  brave 
soldier  ?  " 

"  I'm  not  brave  :  I'm  a  coward  ;  and,  if  you  talk 
to  me  so,  you'll  — break  my  heart." 

"  Then  shall  we  kiss  and  make  up  ?  " 

She  held  her  lips  to  mine. 

"  And  shall  I  disgrace  myself  by  confessing 
that  I  never  admired  you  so  much  in  my  life  ? " 

"And  I  never  hated  myself  so  much,"  she 
said,  downcast. 

"  It  all  comes  of  the  baby." 

"  Oh,  no,  no !  don't  say  that :  let  us  love  it  the 
little  while  it  stays." 

"  The  little  while  ? " 

"Perhaps." 


76  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

"  Why  do  you  talk  that  way,  Lissa  ?  "  I  asked 
anxiously. 

"  Because  I  have  seen  it  in  dreams,  so  often ; 
and  it  always  looked  like  something  different,  — 
an  angel." 

"  Lissa,  are  you  '  superstitious  ?  do  you  believe 
in  dreams  ?  I  detest' such  fallacies:  my  wife  must 
be  above  them." 

"  Yes,  I  do  believe  in  dreams  :  *I .  dreamed  of 
you  before  I  saw  you." 

"  Impossible,  child  !  " 

"  But  I  did  :  I  remember  of  it  perfectly." 

"And  what  was  your  dream  ?  " 

"  Oh !  it  was  very  simple.  I  thought  I  was  pick 
ing  currants  in  our  garden  —  you  recall  that  dear 
garden  ? " 

"  I  do  perfectly :  I  wish  we  had  such  a  one 
here." 

"  Ah,  well !  it  took  hundreds  of  years  to  grow  up 
to  that.  There  arn't  such  gardens  to  be  seen  in 
this  new  country.  So  I  picked  the  currants  for  a 
pie,  —  Gretchen  made  such  currant  pies  !  such 
ones  as  I  will  make  some  day,  —  when  I  happened 
to  look  up.  You  know  the  wall  where  it  seems  as 
if  the  sun  shines,  even  in  the  days  of  dark,  just  in 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  77 

the  opening  of  the  apple-trees  ?     Yes  :  well,  there 
I  saw  a  man  with  a  book  in  his  hand  ;  and  I  won 
dered  and  wondered  who  it  could  be,  for  it  looked 
not  of  my  country.     And  above  this  man,  like  a 
soft  veil  of  some  shining  mist,  there  stood  some 
body  bending  over,  and  it  seemed  to  be  pointing 
to  me.     I  grew  a  little  frightened,  and  let  the  cur 
rants  fall  out  of  my  lap,  bowl  and   all  4  and  you 
came   along    so    slowly,    step   by  s^tep,    and    you 
picked  up  the  bowl  of  currants,  and  said,  — 
" '  I  then  have  found  thee  ! '  " 
"  But  how  do  you  know  it  .was  me  ?  " 
"  Because  I  do.     It  was  your  face,  though  to  be 
sure  the  features   were  a  little  clouded ;  but  you 
needn't  laugh,  it  was  you  !  " 

The  little  woman  was  standing  now  against  a 
table,  an  almost  spiritual  light  playing  over  her 
earnest  face,  and,  as  every  new  phase  did,  impart 
ing  a  novel  charm  to  her  countenance.  Her  arms 
were  folded,  the  sleeves  lightly  falling  back ;  her 
eyes  seemed  reading  from  some  unseen  page.  I 
felt  myself  strangely  moved. 

"And  the  other  form?"  I  said,  "was  it  a 
woman  ? " 

"  I  thought  it  so,"  she  made  answer. 


78  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

"And  what  did  she  do?"  I  asked  a  little  ner 
vously. 

"  She  smiled,  oh,  so  beautiful !  and,  as  she 
smiled,  melted  away." 

Superstitious,  given  to  dreams,  wilful,  woman 
ly,  angelic !  What  wonder  I  exclaimed  with  a 
husband's  transport,  though  with  the  sceptical 
horror  of  an  old  newspaper  man,  — 

"  Oh,  that  wife  of  mine  1 " 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  79 


LETTER  from  Jack ! 

I  threw  down  the  rest  of  the  mail,  and 

was  soon  lost  in  an  ecstatic  vision  of  my 
friend's  new  home  in  Santa  Barbara,  for  every  line 
sparkled  with  light  and  color. 

Jack  and  Lina  had  emigrated  to  California.  I, 
too,  had  been  in  that  glorious  region.  I  had  seen 
the  goodly  land  that  it  had  been  my  heart's  desire 
to  visit,  and  returned  satisfied. 

"Come  on  here,  and  settle  down,"  cried  Jack,  out 
of  the  fulness  of  his  quill  pen.  "  Come,  and  feast 
on  bananas  all  the  year  round.  I'll  heap  you  tip 
strawberries,  luscious  strawberries  in  pyramids,  the 
top  one,  three  bites  to  an  eating.  Lina  will  make 
you  a  salad  out  of  humming-birds  thighs  —  I  mean 
the  sort  of  humming-bird  that  HOPS.  You  shall 
have  cream  as  yellow  as  California  gold,  and  sleep 
in  a  hammock  as  fine  as  gauze. 


8o  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

"Lino,  looks  over  my  shoulder,  and  says  she  longs 
to  see  that  little  wife  of  yours.  Her  picture  is 
mounted  in  a  frame  of  mistletoe-berries,  and  stands 
on  the  table  in  our  backwoods  parlor.  She  looks 
like  Elsa  to  a  wonderful  degree,  but  more  like  my 
Lina,  — whose  cough  is  better,  thank  you. 

"By  the  way,  Charlie,  I've  turned  artist.  My 
easel  is  made  out  of  two  youthful  saplings,  and  my 
canvas  is  the  bark  of  a  curious  tree  that  grows  a 
few  miles  from  here.  But,  iipon  my  word,  I  should 
be  afraid  to  show  my  picture ;  for  I've  copied  the 
reds  and  yellows  faithfully,  and  still  they  re  not  as 
red  as  the  reds,  or  yellow  as  the  yellows,  of  our 
Western  skies  ;  and  I  wouldn't  blame  the  Eastern 
man  wTio  said  to  me  what  you  said  to  the  famous 
painter  on  one  memorable  occasion.  Of  course  there's 
no  use  of  putting  our  paper  houses  on  canvas :  we 
are  only  waiting  for  a  goo'd-sized  earthquake  to 
tumble  them  over,  when  I  stippose  we  shall  build 
them  in  a  more  substantial  fashion. 

"  Our  little  familiar  spirit,  or  sprite,  young  Elsa, 
is  my  attendant  in  my  ground-floor  atelier.  She  is 
just  old  enough  to  poison  herself,  and  I'm  afraid 
she  will  do  it  yet.  Her  mother  dipped  her  yester 
day  out  of  a  great  tub  of  soft  soap,  remarking 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE,  8l 

casually  that  it  was  the  child's  first  lye.  I  told 
her  that  was  a  good  one,  iipon  which  she  looked  puz^ 
zled  for  a  second,  and  then  said,  Oh  I  and  laughed. 
You  would  laugh,  too,  if  you  co'uld  see  the  youngster, 
after  a  close  examination  of  my  pictures,  witJi  a  ver* 
milion  nose,  green  eyebrows,  and  a  forehead  painted 
like  an  Indian  on  the  war-path.  Genius,  indeed ! 
Why  that  child  has  more  genius  for  getting  into 
scrapes  than  any  two  men  you  can  mention  in  the 
whole  circle  of  your  acquaintance.  And  shes  tJie 
roundest  ^  specimen  of  the  square  Californian  baby 
that  I  ever  saw.  As  soon  as  we  can  hire  her  to  be 
still  for  two  consectitive  seconds,  after  some  artist 
has  settled  down  here,  you  shall  have  her  picture. 

"Now,  remember  that  we  are  looking  for  you,  and 
that  we  cant  take  No  for  an  answer;  and  come  on." 

I  put  down  Jack's  letter  in  rare  good  humor. 
God  bless  your  sunny  correspondents  !  who  never 
skim  the  cream  even  of  their  choicest  thoughts  for 
the  delectation  of  strangers,  and  leave  their  friends 
only  the  blue  and  watery  milk  of  commonplaces. 

"  No,  Jack,"  I  said,  mentally:  "I  sha'n't  come 
out  to  Santa  Barbara  this  year,  —  next,  perhaps." 

And  now  for  briefest  glancing  through  the  other 
letters:  trifles  of  note-queries,  complaints-;  here 


82  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

and  there  a  dart  pointed  with  poison  ;  choice  mat 
ter  for  future  reference  ;  pleas  of  poverty,  "  Print, 
or  I  die  !  "  complimentary,  "  You  look,  Mr.  Editor, 
like  a  man  who  can  comprehend"  &c.  ;  flattering, 
"  Dear  Mr,  Editor,  when  I  saw  your  noble  face  ;  " 
and  so  on  to  the  end  of  the  chapter. 

Well,  after  all,  it  is  a  pleasant  excitement  to  look 
forward  to,  these  letters  from  near  and  far.  I  have 
seen  "  Mr.  Speaker  "  at  Washington  fidget  till  he 
got  a  sly  glance  at  a  letter  or  two  or  some  packet 
that  lay  quietly  on  his  desk,  and  then  he  was  ready 
for  business. 

I  was  in  an  exceptionally  happy  mood :  things 
suited  me  without  and  within.  I  felt  like  a  gen 
eral  surrounded  by  faithful  aides :  I  called  myself  a 
new  Aladdin,  with  two  or  three  old  lamps  to  rub, 
and  an  army  of  genii  to  wait  upon  me  to  whatever 
wonders  I  might  chance  to  wish  for.  Like  bright 
birds,  new  thoughts  perched  upon  the  branches  of 
my  mind,  and  sang  to  me  what  I  was  to  say  Home 
was  delightful,  my  office  cheerful,  even  the  stand 
ard  "devil"  wore  a  shining  face.  How  I  should 
write!  I  shut  my  eyes,  trusting  that  fate  would 
keep  bores,  correspondents,  friends,  and  acquaint 
ances,  at  home  for  a  good  three  hours  ;  and  then  I 
went  to  work. 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  83 

Two  editorials :  delightful !  the  third  was  in 
progress.  Thoughts  breathed,  words  burned,  at 
least  to  my  self-satisfied  comprehension ;  and  I 
was  in  the  middle  throes  of  an  article  on  the 
war,  when  a  gentle  tap  on  the  door,  an  opening 
lufficient  to  reveal  bright  eyes  and  a  charming 
bonnet,  and  a  flippant,  "  Do  you  mind  my  coming 
in?"  —  unseated  the  greatest  general  living;  and 
caused  my  pen  to  weep  a  tear  of  ink  to  his  fate, 
that  blurred  two  of  my  most  painstaking  ideas. 

"  Certainly  not,  Mrs.  Ellery :  you  are  always  wel 
come  ; "  and  I  forced  a  smile  as  our  pretty,  poetical 
contributor  entered,  her  flounces  trailing  with  a 
peculiarly  stinging  sound  along  the  carpet. 

Mrs.  Ellery  considered  herself  the  fine  wheat  of 
womankind.  She  did  write  delightfully :  there  was 
no  denying  that  Her  poems  were  bits  of  mosaic, 
put  together  with  the  most  consummate  skill :  they 
were  as  marvellous  in  color  as  butterflies,  flitted 
as  brilliantly  and  swiftly  before  you,  and  were  as 
soon  forgotten,  perhaps.  She  was  well  known  to 
the  publishers,  —  a  breezy,  smiling,  golden-haired 
blonde,  with  a  fine  figure,  exceptional  jewels,  and 
an  audacious  consciousness  of  her  best  points. 

How  a  woman  whose  face   indicated   so   little 


84  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

real  depth,  being  like  a  well  and  carefully  painted 
masterpiece  in  wax,  with  every  feature  in  exactly 
the  right  place,  with  shining  teeth,  and  a  mouth 
just  large  enough  to  show  them  evenly  when  she 
laughed,  —  could  throw  from  her  pen  such  pretty 
and  perfect  lyrics  and  sonnets,  has  always  been  be* 
yond  my  comprehension.  Her  cool  way  of  sailing 
in,  of  forestalling  all  one's  little  mannerisms  and 
politenesses,  of  drawing  her  chair  as  close  as  pos 
sible  to  the  editorial  nose,  of  playing  with  the  pens 
and  paper-knives,  of  catching  at  the  drift  of  the 
written  pages,  of  chattering  and  holding  one  with 
her  eyes,  of  tossing  her  front  hair  into  pretty 
confusion,  of  making  a  telling  pose  —  and  then  the 
apparent  unconsciousness  of  it  all ! 

Her  theme  this  morning  was  certainly  a  delight 
ful  one  to  an  editor.  She  was  making  an  effort  to 
gather  all  her  fugitive  poems  of  the  last  five 
mortal  years.  They  were  scattered  here  and  there 
through  five  continuous  piles,  upon  which,  unless 
the  office-boy  was  a  paragon  among  his  fellows, 
the  dust  lay  thick  ;  and  would  I  help  her  ?  Then 
she  grew  eloquent  upon  the  faults  of  publishers, 
and  in  her  earnestness  actually  buttonholed  me 
like  any  office  bore. 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  85 

I  wore  an  old  blue  coat  with  brass  buttons  when 
on  duty;  and  she  seemed  now,  as  she  held  the 
rusty  effigy  of  some  soldierly  head  between  her 
dainty  fingers,  to  be  contemplating  the  hero  of 
many  fights,  with  her  head  now  on  this  side,  now 
on  that,  while  she  was  so  uncomfortably  near  me 
that  I  felt  my  color  rise. 

She  possibly  thought  that  I  was  admiring  her, 
while  I  was  mentally  calling  down  thunderbolts 
upon  her  head.  Several  of  the  office  men  were 
privileged.  Suppose  old  Sedges,  the  greatest 
cynic  and  sneerer  since  Diogenes,  should  take  it 
into  his  head  to  come  in  for  a  bit  of  argument  over 
some  copy  ;  or  young  Smythe,  the  wit  of  the  com 
posing  corps,  who  didn't  dare  to  say  his  soul  was 
his  own  in  the  office,  but  made  up  for  it  by  excep 
tional  freedom  of  opinion  outside,  —  and  find  this 
woman,  whose  poems  I  had  openly  admired,  cheek 
by  jowl  with  me  as  it  were  ?  The  cold  perspira 
tion  started  from  my  joints ;  and,  as  if  the  fear 
had  brought  the  judgment,  the  door  did  open  just 
then,  and  admitted  —  that  wife  of  mine. 

Never  judge  a  man  by  his  looks  when  you  pin  a 
misdemeanor  upon  him  ;  for,  ten  to  one,  the  more 
innocent  he  really  is,  the  more  like  a  fool  or  a 


86  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

guilty  man  he  will  act.  To  this  day  my  cheeks 
tingle  as  I  think  of  the  start  with  which  I  sprang 
back  as  I  encountered  Lissa's  surprised  glance. 
My  head  felt  like  drum-parchment  drawn  to  a  ten 
sion  simply  unbearable  ;  and  my  mouth  involuntari 
ly  screwed  itself  into  position  for  a  whistle,  though 
my  leading  desire  was  to  smile  a  welcome.  As 
for  Mrs.  Ellery,  she  of  course  dropped  the  button, 
and  followed  the  direction  of  my  eyes  with  a  cool 
nonchalance,  evidently  thinking  that  some  rival 
candidate  for  poetic  fame  had  surprised  our  tete-d- 
t$te,  and  looking  my  little  Lissa  over  with  a  quiet, 
patronizing  smile. 

Though  red  to  the  throat,  I  managed  to  get 
through  with  an  introduction. 

"  My  wife,  Mrs.  Ellery.  —  Lissa  dear,  this  lady 
is  one  of  our  poetical  contributors." 

"  Dear  me,  Mrs.  Harman  !  delighted,  I'm  sure  ; " 
and  as  Lissa,  in  her  cool  gray  tints,  and  snowy 
touches  of  lace,  moved  quietly  forward,  grace  in 
every  movement,  I  somehow  set  my  teeth  hard  as 
the  tinted  glove  of  my  correspondent  touched  the 
innocent  hand  of  my  darling. 

Not  that  I  knew  any  harm  of  Mrs.  Ellery ;  but 
her  freedom  of  manner,  and  coquettishness  of 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  87 

action,  were  not  the  traits  I  desired  in  a  friend  of 
my  wife  ;  and  besides,  I  felt,  rather  than  inferred, 
that  Lissa  was  surprised  and  pained  to  find  a  beau 
tiful  woman,  to  use  the  popular  and  much-abused 
term,  certainly  a  glib,  showy,  bright,  and  accom 
plished  woman  of  the  world,  on  such  apparently 
confidential  and  intimate  terms  with  her  husband. 

"I  wanted  to  surprise  you,  dear,"  she  said,  as 
Mrs.  Ellery  withdrew,  —  and  I  am  sure  she  was 
innocent  of  all  intent  to  be  sarcastic,  —  "so  I 
came  in  without  knocking." 

"  You  are  always  privileged,  you  know,"  I  an 
swered  with  my  sweetest  smile :  "  I  am  so  glad 
you  are  come !  "  She  looked  over  my  table,  found 
a  magazine  which  she  opened  with  a  reflective  and 
somewhat  pre-occupied  air,  put  it  aside,  fingered  a 
few  papers,  laid  her  parasol  upon  the  table,  looked 
out  into  the  street,  and  said  with  a  very  conscious 
effort  at  unconsciousness,  — 

"  Who  was  that  lady,  Charlie  ?  " 

"  A  Mrs.  Ellery,  my  dear ;  a  correspondent  of 
'  The  Regulator,'  and,  in  her  way,  a  poet.  You 
remember  I  showed  you  some  of  her  little  efforts  ;  " 
and  I  named  two  or  three. 

"  Oh,  yes !  you   read  them   to  me :  she  is  very 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 


beautiful,  is  she  not  ?  Beautiful,  and  a  poet !  how 
nice  for  both  to  be  ! "  A  little  pause  :  "  Does  she 
come  here  often  ?  " 

"  As  often  as  she  has  a  poem  to  publish,  or  a 
favor  to  ask,"  I  replied  gravely.  Long  silence, 
and  then  a  little  sigh.  I  felt  foolish,  and  tried  to 
change  the  subject. 

"Is  it  very  hard,  I  wonder,  to  write  poetry  ? " 
she  asked  at  length,  with  a  furtive  glance  at  me. 

"  Not  if  one  is  born  a  poet,"  I  made  answer, 
looking  longingly  at  my  blurred  manuscript. 

"  Am  I  in  the  way  ?  yes,  I  must  be,"  she  said, 
in  her  quick,  sharp  tones  when  excited  or  angry, 
and  rose. 

"  My  dear,  you  are  not  in  the  least  in  the  way : 
the  other  lady  was,"  I  added  ;  and  again  that  un 
comfortable  flush  burned  my  cheeks. 

"Ah  !  she  who  is  so  beautiful,  and  who  writes 
so  sweet  poems,  and  who  comes  to  my  husband's 
office,  and  sits  so  near  to  him,  nearer  than  /  do ; " 
and  she  pulled  the  chair  which  Mrs.  Ellery  had 
occupied,  petulantly  away. 
'"Lissa  !  "  I  exclaimed,  rising  in  consternation. 

"Ah!  don't  say  nothing  to  me:  I  am  angry 
not  —  I  have  only  a"  hurt  heart.  I  cannot  stay 
with  dry  eyes,  —  I  cannot." 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  89 

I  tried  to  take  her  in  my  arms,  but  she  burst 
from  me,  as  copy  was  called  for;  and,  to  preserve 
my  dignity  in  the  eyes  of  our  chief  compositor,  I 
coldly  said,  "Good-morning,"  and  distributed  copy 
as  she  left  the  room. 

Here  was  a  serious  dilemma. 

That  wife  of  mine !  was  she  unmistakably 
jealous  ? 


90  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 


Chapter  lEleben. 

PATER  in  the  afternoon  Conrad  came  in. 
It  was  a'  rare  thing  to  receive  visits  from 
him,  except  when,  once  in  six  months  or 
so,  he  came  to  correct  reports  of  his  lectures 
before  the  college  students  and  the  faculty.  I 
was  not  busy  :  indeed,  I  was  reflecting  whether  I 
should  not  go  home  and  have  an  explanation  with 
my  foolish  little  wife.  But  Conrad's  coming 
changed  my  intention  ;  for  really  the  interview 
was  not  a  pleasant  one  to  look  forward  to.  A 
dozen  times  I  had  wished  Mrs.  Ellery  at  the  an 
tipodes.  Why  had  she  come,  with  her  selfish 
instincts,  to  make  trouble  between  two  happy 
people  ? 

Conrad  looked  somewhat  faded  and  careworn. 
In  fact,  he  had  not  seemed  quite  like  himself  since 
the  advent  of  that  baby.  For  some  moments  he 
talked  of  electricity,  on  which  he  was  preparing 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  91 

an  article  for  the  paper.  Then  he  fell  into  a 
reverie  ;  and  the  pallor  of  his  face  looked  startling 
with  those  large,  luminous  eyes  gazing  into  va 
cancy. 

"  When  do  you  lecture  again,  Conrad  ?  "  I  asked 
him,  to  break  the  spell  of  silence. 

"Once  perhaps,  perhaps  twice,  before  I  leave 
the  college,"  was  his  answer. 

"  Leave  the  college  !  what  are  you  thinking  of, 
man  ?  You  never  would  be  so  foolish." 

"It  is  not  as  foolish  as  you  think,  perhaps," 
he  murmured,  with  the  old  dreamy  smile. 

"  But  you  are  making  your  mark  here  :  you 
certainly  have  a  fine  career  before  you." 

"  Ay !  I  send  up  my  fancies,  and  they  come 
down  rainbows,  I  grant  you  ;  but  they  are  only 
bubbles.  They  dance  and  float,  and  then  some 
body  gives  them  a  pin-prick,  and,  presto!  they  are 
less  than  the  air,  after  all." 

"  But  the  college  men  are  all  your  friends."     v 

"  So,  so  ; "  and  he  shrugged  his  shoulders. 

"And  your  German  class  is  very  successful." 

He  changed  color. 

"Ah,  that  German  class!  I  would  like  to 
give  that  German  class  up,"  he  exclaimed  with 
energy. 


92  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

"  Come,  come,  Conrad,  out  with  it :  you  are  in 
love." 

He  looked  at  me  with  a  smile  that  was  touching, 
because  the  corners  of  his  mouth  trembled. 

"  What  is  there  in  a  face,  an  eye,  a  look,  a  trick 
of  the  muscles  perhaps,  that  chains,  entrances, 
makes  a  fool  of  a  man  ?  I  never  meant  to,  never 
in  the  world.  You  understand  me :  I  was  wedded 
to  my  classes,  my  ologies,  my  flute.  So  help  me 
Heaven,  I  neVer  meant  to  marry  —  and  small 
chance  if  I  do,"  he  added,  leaning  over  my  desk  in 
meditative  mood. 

"  Miss  Walters  is  a  very  sweet  girl,"  I  said, 
"  something  quite  out  of  the  common  way ;  as 
exceptional  in  her  individuality  as  my  little  Lissa." 

"  But  Lissa  had  no  father,"  he  said  in  a  bitter 
sort  of  tone. 

"  Ah !  then  you  mean  to  say  dean  Walters  is 
not  favorable." 

He  shook  his  head. 

"  He  is  not  *the  same  man  :  that  is  all ;  and  I 
don't  understand  what  has  changed  him.  For 
merly  he  was  cordial  ;  he  grasped  my  hand  with  a 
heartiness.  But  now  he  stands  aloof,  and  it  grows 
worse.  He  has,  you  know,  a^  stern  countenance ; 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  93 

but  at  times  he  is  something  awful  of  late,  and  I 
find  it  impossible  to  get  near  him." 

"And  the  daughter?  "  I  queried. 

"  Heaven  knows  !  There  is  a  change.  I  can 
scarcely  define  it :  only,  like  a  solid  rock  in  my 
path,  I  know  it  is  there.  We  Germans  are  psy 
chological  barometers." 

"  You  Germans  are  a  very  imaginative  and  thin- 
skinned  people,"  I  said. 

"  Ah !  after  all,  Germany  is  the  only  place,"  he 
said  with  quick  enthusiasm.  "  There  I  have  my 
home,  my  little  garden,  my  peace." 

"  But  you  won't  go  and  leave  Lissa,"  I  said, 
alarmed  at  I  scarcely  saw  what  in  his  manner. 

"  I  hardly  know  yet,  —  I  cannot  tell.  I  shall 
finish  the  quarter  of  my  German  class,  meet  all 
my  present  engagements,  then  I  shall  see,  —  I 
shall  see,"  he  added  meditatively. 

"  And  poor  Jo  had  such  high  hopes  of  becoming 
a  German  scholar ! " 

He  looked  at  me  as  if  he  would  look  me  through. 

"  Your  sister  will  never  make  3.  German  scholar," 
he  said,  as  if  against  his  will. 

"  And  pray,  why  not  ? " 

"  She  has  not  the  metal,  —  not  the  continuing 


94  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

faculty,"  he  said,  his  eyes  falling,  and  a  little  color 
tinging  his  cheeks.  "  She^  is  not  learning  for  a 
purpose,  I  think ;  only  for  the  entertainment." 

"  Jo  is  a  good,  earnest  girl." 

"  Very  good,  —  very  earnest ; "  and  his  eyes 
searched  my  face  again.  He  .seemed  to  hesitate 
as  if  some  counter-force  impelled  him.  "  A  good, 
earnest  house-woman,"  he  added,  "  such  as  German 
men  like  ;  such  as  make  good  wives  and  mothers." 

"  And  how  with  Miss  Walters  ?  "  I  asked.  "  She 
is  not  your,  German  type,  is  she  ? " 

"  Love  makes  all  types  one,"  he  answered;  "  but 
she  is  too  spirituelle  for  the  German  idea,  —  only 
the  Americanized  German  would  love  her  passion 
ately.  But  I  fear,  nay,  I  know,  she  is  not  for  me ; 
and  I  would  die  for  her." 

He  said  this  in  a  smothered  voice,  and  then 
looked  startled  that  he  had  spoken  his  feelings  so 
strongly. 

"Let  us  go  home,"  he  said,  rising;  and  we 
walked  together. 

I  did  not  see  Lissa  till  we  sat  down  to  dinner. 
There  was  a  perceptible  change  in  her  manner; 
and  I  noticed,  when  she  helped  me  to  meat,  a 
small  round  spot  on  her  little  ringer,  that  looked- 
like  ink. 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  95 

Dinner  over,  she  followed  Conrad  from  the  room, 
glancing  back  only  when  she  reached  the  door  to 
say,— 

"  I  am  going  to  have  one  of  my  old  evenings 
with  Conrad." 

"  Lissa  ! "  I  called.  She  paused  for  a  moment, 
and  then  was  going  on. 

"Lissa,"  I  said  softly,  "you  have  forgotten 
something." 

"  You  do  not  care  so  much  for  my  kisses  now," 
she  said  sorrowfully. 

I  held  my  arms  open  wide. 

Very  quietly  and  very  slowly  she  came  back. 

"  Do  you  know,  little  wife,  that  you  are  all  the 
world  to  me  ? "  I  asked,  as  she  was  gathered  in 
their  fold.  There'was  no  answer. 

"  Are  you  going  to  leave  me  alone  with  my 
paper  all  the  evening  ?  Between  Conrad  and  that 
baby,  I  feel  like  a  sort  of  neglected  pilgrim  — 
sojourner  in  my  own  house." 

"I  —  have  some  work  to  do,"  she  said,  disen 
gaging  herself. 

"  Cannot  it  be  done  when  I  am  away  ?  The 
duties  of  my  office  require  so  much  of  my  time, 
and  I  am  here  but  a  few  hours  out  of  .the  twenty- 
four." 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 


"  Ah,  your  office  !  "  she  said,  drawing  back.  "  The 
duties  there  are  very  pleasant  —  if  I  may  judge." 

She  made  a  demure  courtesy,  and  was  edging 
away  from  me,  and  I  after  her,  determined  to  set 
myself  right  with  regard  to  Mrs.  Ellery,  when  the 
door  opened,  and  Miss  Walters's  smiling  presence 
surprised  us  both. 

"  I  was  going  out  with  papa,  and  it  came  on  to 
rain  hard  just  at  your  door  ;  so,  as  papa  could  not 
break  his  engagement,  he  said  I  might  stay  the 
evening  with  you,  and  he  would  call  for  me  on  his 
return." 

"  You  came  at  an  opportune  time,"  I  said  ;  "  for 
we  were  getting  so  tired  of  each  other,  that  Lissa 
threatened  to  -spend  the  evening  with  the  profes 
sor." 

"  I've  a  great  mind  so  to  do  now,"  said  Lissa, 
laughing,  "  and  carry  Miss  Walters  up  with  me. 
She  has  never  seen  Conrad's  den."  All  this  time 
my  little  wife  was  divesting  Miss  Walters  of  her 
light  summer  wraps,  and  cooing  over  her.  Can  I 
give  you  an  idea  of  this  bright,  lissome,  dainty  Nellie 
Walters  ?  the  hopeless  desire  of  the  college  boys, 
who  looked  and  sighed  from  a  distance  ;  the  pet  and 
darling  of  the  lonely,  learned  dean  ;  the  love  and  de- 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  97 

light  of  our  noble  Conrad  ?  She  was  one  girl  of 
a  thousand,  —  Lissa's  counterpart  in  height  and 
complexion,  yet  a  complete  contrast  in  manner  and 
in  temperament. 

Her  face  held  the  calm  and  transparency  of  a 
clear  flame  unruffled  by  any  atmosphere.  Her 
greatest  beauty  was  the  exceptionally  perfect  con 
tour  of  her  head,  which  she  never  dressed  in 
mountainous  ridges  of  hair,  but  drawn  well  back 
and  low,  made  a  shapely  curve  near  the  nape  of 
'the  neck  out  of  her  abundant  tresses,  as  the  Gre 
cians  did  hundreds  of  years  ago.  Every  thing  she 
said  and  did  bore  the  impress  of  strong  vitality. 
There  was  the  ring  of  energy  in  some  of  her  low 
tones,  though  her  voice  had  that  peculiar  quality  of 
change  which  some  call  broken  notes,  yet  if  they 
were,  were  broken  into  exceedingly  rich  fragments 
of  musical  sound. 

She  looked  the  impersonation,  as  she  stood  there, 
of  beauty,  health,  and  intelligence. 


98  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 


jRESENTLY  Jo  came  in  with  the  baby. 
The  little  one's  name  was  Daisy,  and  she 
had  become  an  institution.  I  think  Lissa 
must  have  bent  all  the  forces  of  her  intellect  to  the 
adornment  of  the  small  princess,  for  her  toilets 
were  miracles  of  good  taste. 

Poor  Jo  had  never  appeared  to  advantage  in 
Miss  Nellie's  presence ;  but,  since  the  baby  had 
created  for  itself  a  kingdom,  she  shone  in  it  for 
what  she  was  worth,  because  of  her  entire  forget- 
fulness  of  self. 

I  believe,  of  all  the  household,  she  loved  the  little 
waif  most  tenderly.  She  certainly  gave  the  most 
time  and  attention  to  its  wants.  I  think  my  wife 
was  prouder  of  the  combination  of  baby  beauty 
and  French  nurse,  and  loved  to  show  them  off 
together. 

Miss  Walters  at  first   looked    coldly   upon   the 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  99 

young  Arab :  at  its  entrance,  I  thought  she 
changed  color ;  but  after  a  time  she  melted  under 
its  influence,  and  did  her  best  to  make  it  cry,  by 
cuddling  it  and  kissing  it  with  undue  but  wom 
anly  vehemence.  Then  it  was  consigned  to  the 
nurse,  and  Jo  marched  after  it  to  superintend  the 
usual  evening  ablutions  and  arrangements. 

Then  Lissa  disappeared,  and  after  some  time 
came  down  followed  by  Conrad  in  his  best  blue 
eye-glasses  and  his  best  black  suit.  There  was  an 
electric  light  in  his  face,  giving  it  a  splendor  that 
all  the  riches  of  his  scientific  lore  failed  to  impart. 
She  whom  he  loved  was  there ;  and  I  sat  apart,  and 
watched  the  electric  currents  passing  back  and 
1  forth,  gathering  and  giving  and  sparkling  by  turns, 
till  the  place  became  a  paradise",  and  Conrad  and 
Nellie  Walters  its  Adam  and  Eve. 

I  shall  never  forget  that  evening,  neither  will 
Conrad.  Our  little  room,  pleasant  in  itself,  seemed 
the  receptacle  of  wit,  cheerful  fancies,  and  merry 
laughter.  Conrad  played  the  flute.  Miss  Walters 
had  never  heard  him  play  before,  and  praised  him 
with  her  sweet  vermilion  lips,  till  I  knew  his  very 
heart  ached  with  rapture. 

And,  when  he  talked,  no  wonder  she  hung  upon 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 


his  words ;  for  he  had  the  faculty  of  language- 
painting  in  an  unusual  degree,  and  hung  one  pic 
ture  after  another  before  the  eye,  till  silence  was 
an  absolute  need,  in  which  to  admire  the  rich 
coloring  and  skilful  grouping  of  these  invisible  but 
none  the  less  real  works  of  art. 

As  I  said,  I  sat  and  watched.  Did  Miss  Walters 
love  him  ?  She  had  been  his  pupil  now  for  more 
than  a  year,  with  the  twelve  or  fourteen  rather 
ordinary  girls  who  conned  and  repeated  the  Ger 
man  verbs  with  the  precision  of  parrots  ;  and  it  was 
her  quick  appreciation  of  the  strength  and  beauty 
of  the  language,  that  first  drew  his  interest  like  a 
Tnagnet  to  her  exceptional  qualities  of  mind  and 
person. 

Lissa  hovered  about  her,  turning  the  music  for 
her  brother,  —  the  proud  Lissa !  who  took  fire  from 
the  torch  of  his  enthusiasm,  and  looked,  while  the 
clear  and  tender  notes  rolled  heavenward,  like  a 
lesser  St.  Cecilia.  And  between  the  two  passed 
lingering  glances ;  one  soliciting,  the  other  giving, 
such  sympathy  as  appertains  between  congenial 
natures  ;  Lissa  doing  some  unconscious  wooing  for 
the  brother  she  was  so  proud  and  fond  of.  And 
occasionally  Nellie  Walters  let  her  eyes  rest  upon  . 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  IOI 

the  glowing  face  of  ConracL  I  who  am  somewhat 
skilled  in  the  telegraphy  of . —  what  shall  I  call  it? 
affinity  ?  the  word  has  been  so  outrageously  abused 
that  I  almost  shrink  from  its  use  —  felt  that  those 
two  creatures  were  so  subtly  kindred,  the  balance 
of  excess  and  lack  of  certain  qualities  being  so 
finely  poised,  that  each  would  gain  by  the  other  in 
what  was  needed  in  character  or  what  to  be  pruned 
away,  that  it  was  clear  Providence  had  a  hand  in 
their  mating.  But  would  Conrad,  with  his  fine 
sense  of  personal  honor,  be  willing  to  fight  for  her 
against  the  odds  of  parental  injustice  or  prejudice  ? 
Just  then  the  sweetest  melody  of  all  ended,  and 
Nellie  dropped  her  handkerchief,  a  catastrophe 
that  led  to  the  broadest,  brightest,  most  heavenly 
conviction,  that  it  falls  to  the  lot  of  man  to  receive. 
Conrad  bent  with  supple  spring  to  lift  the  b'it  of 
lace  and  cambric  from  the  floor.  Nellie  had  already 
stooped  forward,  and  in  lifting  her  head  encoun 
tered  whatever  God  and  nature  at  that  moment 
gave  his  eyes  the  grace  to  say.  And  at  that  her 
own  eyes  kindled  ;  the  heart  of  all  rose-land 
burned  in  her  cheeks  ;  h€r  hand  trembled  as  it 
touched  his.  A  paean  sounded,  I  am  sure,  from  his 
triumphant  spirit  at  that  moment,  even  to  heaven. 


102  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

She  loved  him  ! 

To  her,  love  meant  for  now  and  for  ever. 

Lissa  had  seen.  She  edged  her  way  round  to 
me  after  a  time,  with  the  coyness  of  a  youthful 
bride  ;  and  some  way  her  hand  got  in  mine,  and  I 
felt,  that,  for  the  present,  Mrs.  Ellery  and  her  poetry 
were  consigned  to  oblivion. 

It  was  not  the  time  exactly  for  the  dean  to  step 
in,  with  his  judicial  aspect,  and  his  love-memories 
twenty  years  away  ;  but  he  did.  He  caught  sight 
of  the  flute  :  he  glanced  dubiously  at  Conrad,  who 
with  folded  arms  was  trying,  I  suppose,  to  hold  his 
heart-leaps  down.  Then  he  edged  himself  between 
the  twain,  put  on  his  daughter's  wrap's  so  clumsily 
that  any  one  might  have  seen  it  was  an  unusual 
duty  ;  and,  taking  Miss  Walters  by  the  arm  like  a 
bear  trying  to  do  the  honors  after  the  most  amiable 
fashion,  he  led  her  from  the  house. 

"  You'll  not  pack  your  trunks  to-night,  I  fancy," 
I  found  an  opportunity  to  whisper  as  he  unscrewed 
his  flute. 

"  I  sha'n't  go  to  Germany  without  —  Lissa,"  he 
retorted,  laughing.  >After  that,  peace  and  harmony 
prevailed;  only  some  way  that  wife  of  mine  gave 
me  now  and  then  secret  misgivings.  Was  it  Lissa 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  103 

who  met  me  with  abstracted  glances,  who  seemed 
to  be  always  looking  at  her  hands,  through  the 
walls,  over  the  teapot,  at  nothing ;  who  smiled  in 
the  wrong  place,  and  answered  that  she  didn't  know 
what  you  were  saying,  after  you  had  explained  to 
her  in  the  most  glowing  language  the  latest  inven 
tion  in  apple-parers,  or  the  newest  patent  in  coffee 
pots  ? 

"  My  dear,  what  were  you  saying  ? "  she  asked 
one  day  when  I  sedulously  depicted  my  labors  in 
finding  something  for  which  she  had  expressed  a 
wish. 

For  answer  I  held  a  jewel-box  exactly  under  her 
nose.  She  gave  one  delighted  cry,  and  grasped 
it  with  both  hands. 

"They  are  just  as  lovely  as  they  can  be!  are 
they  for  me  ?  " 

"  Who  should  I  get  them  for  i£  not  for  you, 
mignonne  ?  " 

"  They  are  very  much  the  same  in  pattern  as 
Mrs.  Ellery's,"  she  said. 

"  How  do  you  know  about  Mrs.  Ellery's  jewels  ? " 
I  asked.  She  was  silent  for  a  moment.  The  color 
flitted  in  her  cheek.  Then  she  looked  up  at  me 
almost  defiantly. 


104  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

"  She  showed  them  to  me." 

"  She  showed  them  to  you  —  when  ?  " 

"  I  had  not  meant  to  tell  you,"  she  made  slow 
answer;  "but  —  but  I  went  there." 

"  You  went  to  Mrs.  Ellery's  ?  " 

"Yes,  I  did." 

"  You  went  to  that  down-town  hotel  ?  " 

"  What  harm  was  there  ?  " 

"  Without  telling  me  that  you  were  going  ?  "  I 
questioned  in  holy  horror. 

"  Why  should  I  do  that  ?  Do  you  tell  me  every 
where  that  you  do  go  ?  " 

Here  was  a  poser ;  but  I  did  not  stop  to  con 
sider,  or  to  soften  matters. 

"  You  are  a  woman,  I  am  a  man  :  on  matters  of 
business  I  am  supposed  to  go  anywhere,  every 
where  ;  but  you  !  " 

"And,  if  I  had  matters  of  business,  why  should 
I  not  go  anywhere,  everywhere  ? " 

Here  was  a  small  woman's-rights  association 
growing  under  my  very  eyes. 

"  But,  my  dear,  I  am  the  business  head  of  the 
house.  You  are  to  manage  in  doors,  I  out." 

"  You  have  no  more  business-head  than  I  have," 
she  ejaculated  indignantly.  "  When  Conrad  trav- 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  105 

elled,  and  took  me  with  him,  /  kept  all  the  accounts, 
and  paid  all  the  moneys.  Yes,  I  did,  and  he  will 
tell  you  so.  And  do  you  suppose  he  could  leave 
his  books,  and  go  and  buy  steaks  and  potatoes  ? 
Yes,  and  I  did  hire  rooms,  and  pay  for  them." 


106  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 


Cjjapter  £j)trteen* 

FELT  all  my  pretensions  to  superiority 
oozing  out  at  my  fingers'  ends  ;  but  like  a 
man,  and  a  very  ordinary  sort  of  man  at 
that,'  I  determined  to  hold  my  ground. 

Lissa  had  never  before  boasted  of  her  accom 
plishments  in  the  way  of  business.  I  never  knew 
that  she  was  an  expert  in  culinary  purchases,  a 
book-keeper  in  a  small  but  expeditious  way,  a  per 
son  with  experience  in  letting  and  sub-letting  ;  in 
fine,  a  whole  bureau  of  expedients  and  experiments. 
I  had  more  yet  to  learn. 

"  But  about  this  going  to  call  upon  Mrs.  Ellery  : 
what  in  the  world  set  you  at  it  ?  I  thought  you 
were  not  pleased  with  her." 

"  I  was  not,  oh,  no  !  but  I  reasoned  with  myself. 
I  felt  that  she  must  be  in  some  way  a  very  supe 
rior  person.  If  you  knew  her,  and  —  and  liked 
her  for  her  genius,  you  know,  why  should  not  I  ? 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  107 

I  determined  not  to  have  prejudice  which  might 
do  harm  to  an  innocent  lady  ;  and  so  —  so  I  called." 

"  And  you  found  her  in  ?  " 

"  Oh,  yes  !  with  two,  three,  four  gentlemen,  all 
litterateurs  she  said,  and  introduced  me  as  your 
wife.  Then  they  said  things  that  made  me  very 
proud  of  you." 

"  The  Bohemians ! "  I  muttered  between  my 
teeth. 

"  Lissa,"  I  said  firmly,  "  you  must  not  go  there 
again." 

"  Do  you  say  I  must  not  ?  " 

"  Most  imperatively.     I  forbid  it." 

She  rose,  growing  pale,  and  actually  growing 
tall,  as  the  spirited  face  changed  color. 

"  You  shall  not  say  '  I  forbid,'  to  me,"  she  articu 
lated  with  provoking  distinctness.  "  Even  when  I 
was  that  small,"  holding  her  hand  at  some  distance 
from  the  floor,  "  Conrad  never  said  to  me,  '  I  for 
bid.'  If  I  like  Mrs.  Ellery,  and  she  is  kind  to  me, 
and  —  and  I  am  satisfied  with  what  she  does  for 
me,  why  should  I  not  call  upon  her,  and  have  her 
come  here  ? " 

In  a  sudden  frenzy  of  unreasonableness,  I  said, 
"  She  shall  not  come  here  :  it  is  against  my  wishes 


108  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

and  my  commands,"  I  asserted,  losing  my  temper 
for  the  first  time. 

"  She  shall  come  here,"  was  the  firm  retort. 

Here  was  open  rebellion.  One  of  us,  I  foolishly 
said  to  myself,  must  be  master  in  this  matter ;  and 
clearly  the  right  was  on  my  side.  Lissa's  will  was 
a  small  battery.  I  felt  its  power,  and  for  the  first 
time  acknowledged  that  I  had  looked  upon  her  too 
much  in  the  light  of  an  indulgent  father.  She 
was  a  child  to  be  petted,  encouraged,  and  guided, 
heretofore ;  now  I  waked  up  to  the  fact  that  she 
was  a  force  in  my  life,  and  the  only  question  was, 
had  I  strength  enough  to  oppose  and  control  her  ? 
If  we  were  not  to  work  together,  there  was  an  end 
to  our  happiness.  I  should  have  scorned  the 
thought  of  conquering  her,  of  merging  her  indi 
viduality  with  mine,  of  making  her  even  a  willing 
slave  to  my  whims  and  humors.  Suddenly  some 
good  angel  lifting  his  shining  wings  must  have 
poised  himself  on  my  shoulder,  directly  under  my 
right  ear ;  for  I  distinctly  heard  the  words,  "  Yield 
if  you  would  conquer." 

"  Very  well,  Lissa,"  I  said  quietly.  "  Since  you 
are  determined  to  make  a  friend  of  this  woman, 
you  may  if  you  will.  I  shall  no  longer  oppose 
you." 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  IOQ 

She  looked  at  me  out  of  those  steady  eyes  of 
hers  ;  and  I  saw  the  little  demon  of  self-will  pois 
ing  himself  for  flight. 

"  Mrs.  Ellery  may  come  here  ? " 

"  Certainly." 

"  And  I  may  go  there  ? " 

"  Yes." 

"But  it — it  will  not  please  you  ?"  she  said,  in  a 
lower  voice. 

"  I  cannot  say  that  it  will,  and  be  honest." 

"  Will  you  give  me  your  reasons  ?  " 

Surely  :  why  had  I  not  thought  of  that  before  ? 

" Because,  you  know,  she  can  come  to  see  jou" 
she  added  naively. 

"  Why  —  y-es.  An  editorial  office  is  a  public 
place.  A  great  many  people  come  there  I  should 
not  care  for  you  to  know." 

"  Ladies  ? " 

"  Well,  no,  not  many  ladies  but  are  quite  worthy 
of  your  friendship ;  but  the  most  of  them  are 
poor,  hard-working  contributors,  and  cannot  afford 
the  time  to  make  acquaintances  or  to  visit.  Mrs. 
Ellery  may  be  one  of  the  noblest  women  in  the 
world,  for  all  I  know  ;  but  she  is  not  a  careful 
woman.  Her  talk  is  loud  and  slangy  ;  she  allows 


110  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

dangerous  intimacies,  wears  too  many  jewels,  enter 
tains  too  many  gentlemen  ;  and,  worse  than  all,  she 
has  adopted  socialistic  theories,  and  does  not  be 
lieve  in  the  sacredness  of  the  marriage-bond  as  we 
do,  sweet  wife  of  mine." 

"Ah,  now  you  make  me  to  see ! "  she  said,  brings 
ing  her  hands  lightly  together.  "  You  treat  me  as 
an  equal :  you  appeal  to  my  reason,  my  pride,  my 
religion.  That  is  good  and  right;  and  "now  it  is 
very  proper  for  me  to  obey  you." 

"  Is  that  the  right  word,  little  woman  ?  I  know 
sundry  of  our  acquaintances  who  would  cavil  at  it 
mightily." 

"  Yes,  perhaps,  but  it  troubles  not  me.  I 
obeyed  Conrad  always,  though  not  of  fear ;  and 
it  is  your  wish  for  me  to  do  so,  or  to  do  not  so, 
why  should  I  not  obey  it  ?  It  is  my  wish,  with 
proper  reasons,  that  you  do  not  so,  or  so,  why 
should  you  not  obey  ?  Are  you  too  proud  be 
cause  you  are  a  man  ?  Then  will  I  be  too  proud 
because  I  am  a  woman." 

"My  small  teacher  of  equality,"  I  said,  "you 
have  put  the  shoe  on  the  other  foot  with  admirable 
skill,  and  I  am  happy  to  tell  you  it  fits.  Hence 
forth  I  am  yours  to  command." 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 


My  compensation  came  in  due  course  of  time. 

Not  many  days  after,  I  went  home  at  noon,  not 
feeling  very  well ;  and,  on  lying  down,  hung  my 
watch  on  a  hook  in  the  wardrobe.  Being  obliged 
to  return  to  the  office  at  a  later  hour,  I  neglected 
to  re-instate  my  watch  in  its  fob. 

As  I  walked  hurriedly  down  the  street  I  met  an 
old  friend  just  returned  from  Europe. 

"  Charlie  Harman !  as  my  name  is  Paul ! "  he 
exclaimed,  giving  me  a  hearty  hand-grasp. 

I  remembered  subsequently,  that,  as  I  talked 
with  him  after  the  manner  of  auld  acquaintance 
ship,  a  young  fellow  with  sandy  hair  and  an  equi- 
line  nose,  on  whose  protuberant  arch  lay  a  rather 
seedy  hat  that  hid  his  eyes,  stood  quietly  leaning 
against  a  lamp-post  within  a  foot  of  where  we 
were;  but  I  thought  nothing  of.  it  then. 

"  And  where  are  you  now  ?  at  the  same  old 
office  ? "  asked  Paul. 

"  Yes,  office  of  '  The  Regulator ; '  "  and  in  taking 
my  cards  out  of  my  pocket  I  must  have  let  one  of 
them  slip  into  the  gutter. 

"  What's  the  time  ? "  queried  Bennington  when 
he  recollected  that  time  and  tide  wait  for  no  man. 
"  My  watch  is  set  by  a  British  clock." 


112  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

I  felt  in  my  pocket. 

"  I  declare !  I've  not  done  such  a  thing  for  a 
dozen  years,"  said  I. 

"What's  that?" 

"  Left  my  watch  hanging  up  in  the  wardrobe ;" 
and  with  a  few  more  last  words  we  parted. 

I  staid  at  the  office  only  long  enough  to  make  a 
scratch  or  two  on  the  proof,  which  was  always 
a  perfect  kaleidoscope  of  pen-and-ink  sketches, 
owing  to  my  writing  an  "awful  hand,"  the  terror 
of  compositors,  and  the  despair  of  my  wife,  who 
prided  herself  on  her  legible  chirography. 

Ensconced  on  the  dining-room  sofa,  far  away 
from  all  noise  save  the  pleasant  bustle  of  prepara 
tion  for  tea,  I  was  soon  lost  in  pleasant  reflections. 
At  last  a  thought  occurred  to  me.  Lissa  came  in 
looking  as  dainty  as  a  bird  in  a  brown  suit.  She 
was  approaching  me  joyously. 

"  First  a  kiss  and  then  a  favor,"  I  said,  laughing. 

"  Of  course.  When  you  are  very  loving  I 
always  wonder  what  you  are  going  to  ask  me." 

"  Will  you  run  up  stairs,  and  bring  me  down  my 
watch  ? " 

She  stood  there  like  one  petrified. 

"  Your  watch  !  "  she  exclaimed. 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  1 13 

"  Yes,  dear,  my  watch  :  I  left  it  in  the  ward 
robe." 

Her  face  changed  :  a  scale  of  gradations  passed 
over  it,  till  with  open  mouth  and  scared  eyes  she 
could  only  repeat  again,  — 

"  Your  watch  !  " 

"  Lissa,  dear,  what  is  the  meaning  of  this  ?  "  I 
asked.  "  Is  it  too  much  trouble  ?  because,  though 
I  am  not  well,  I  will  go." 

I  rose,  but  she  held  me  down. 

"  O  Charlie  !  what  shall  I  do  ?  "  and  she  bur£t 
into  tears. 

I  was  now  thoroughly  alarmed. 

"  My  dear,  if  any  thing  has  happened  to  it,  if 
you  let  it  fall,  if  the  crystal  is  broken,  I  will  bear 
it  with  the  utmost  fortitude,  and  forgive  you  with 
the  greatest  magnanimity." 

"But  —  but  —  I  sent  it  to  you." 

"  You  sent  it  to  me  !  Heavens  and  earth ! 
When  ? " 

"  Not  quite  half  an  hour  after  you  had  left  the 

house. 

• 

"  My  dear,  what  superhuman  prescience  told 
you  that  I  wanted  my  watch  in  exactly  thirty 
minutes  ?  for  it  was  then  —  or  about  ten  minutes 


H4  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

before  that,  to  speak  with  precision  — that  I  dis 
covered  I  had  left  it." 

"  It  was  no  prescience  :  it  was  a  man." 

"  He  couldn't  have  stolen  it,  because  you  sent  it 
to  me ;  but  why  in  the  name  of  the  Ganges  did 
you  do  that  ?  It  cost  me  five  hundred  dollars, 
including  chain  and  charms;  a  stem-winder,  and 
regulated  the  sun  to  the  fiftieth  part  of  a  second." 

"  But  didn't  you  send  for  it  ?  " 

"  Never ! " 

"  By  a  man  with  yellowish  hair  and  blue  eyes, 
who  said  he  worked  in  the  office  ? " 

"  Never :  there  isn't  a  yellow  hair  in  the  whole 
office." 

"  O  Charlie  !  then  I  have  lost  you  your  watch," 
and  Lissa  caught  hold  of  the  sofa. 

"  I  give  you  leave  to  lose  a  thousand  watches, 
but  not  to  faint  away  over  it,"  I  said,  as.  I  offered 
her  a  cup  of  cold  water.  "  Come,  tell  me  all  about 
it.  Somebody  has  imposed  upon  you  ;  but  maybe 
we  can  get  a  clew  to  the  rascal,  and  find  the 
watch." 

"  Stop :  you  sent  your  card,"  she  said,  and  took 
from  her  pocket  my  card,  slightly  soiled.  I  looked 
it  over :  it  had  evidently  been  in  the  gutter.  On 
the  back  was  something  in  my  handwriting. 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  115 

"  My  dear,  if  you  had  only  read  this  !  "  I  said. 

"  Well,  what  if  I  had  ? "  said  Lissa,  restraining 
her  tears  with  difficulty.  "  What  is  it  ?  " 

I  read, — 

"  Tell  Bob  to  bring  buttermilk  ;  buy  watch-key  ; 
mend  office-window  immediately."  , 

She  laughed  through  her  tears. 

"  It's  an  old  memorandum,  made  weeks  ago ;  and 
the  scamp,  not  being  able  to  read  himself,  presumed 
upon  your  ignorance." 

"  But,  my  dear  Charlie,  I  didn't  try  to  read  it :  I 
never  do.  It  all  looks  like  chickens'  legs  to  me. 
I  saw  something  that  seemed  like  'bring,'  and 
'  watch,'  and  '  office  ; '  and,  oh,  dear !  I  thought  to 
be  sure  it  was  all  right,  especially  when  he  gave 
your  name  and  number.  Charlie,  dear,  why  don't 
you  try  to  write  so  that  one  might  be  able  to  spell 
it  out  ? " 

"I  don't  know,"  said  I  musingly,  "why  people 
should  find  fault  with  my  handwriting:  it's  plain 
enough  to  me.  But  I'm  sure  of  one  thing :  I'm  a 
watch  and  chain  out." 

"  And  all  through  me,"  said  Lissa. 

"  If  a  man  should  come  to  you  again,  my  dear, 
for  my  best  coat,  you  will  please  follow  the  Scrip- 


Il6  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

^ 

ture  injunction,  and  give  him  my  cloak  also : 
though,  on  second  thought,  I  haven't  any  cloak ; 
but  you  might  throw  in  a  hat." 

"  Charlie,  I'm  so  sorry ! "  sobbed  'Lissa.  "  If  you'll 
wait  long  enough,  I'll  make  up  the  loss :  I  will, 
really.  I'll  earn  it." 

"  I  can't  afford  to  wait  for  a  watch  '  till  my  locks 
are  like  the  snaw,'  Mrs.  Anderson,"  said  I,  assum 
ing  a  light  manner.  "  The  best  way  will  be  to  lose 
no  time  in  eating  supper ;  and  then  Conrad  and  I 
will  make  the  rounds,  and  put  detectives  on  the 
track  of  that  keen  eavesdropper,  who,  I  remember 
now,  stood  near  enough  to  hear  all  we  said.  If  you 
had  only  read  the  card  ! " 

"  But  that  was  impossible,"  said  Lissa  :  "  I  can't 
make  it  out." 

"  So  the  compositors  say ;  but  they  do,"  was  my 
reply. 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  117 


Cfjapter  jFourteen, 

[1ONRAD  and  I  were  busy  with  detectives 
till  nearly  eleven  o'clock.  It  was  almost 
twelve  before  we  finished  our  business,  and 
turned  our  tired  feet  homeward.  The  night  was 
very  dark.  Locked  arm  in  arm,  we  walked  si 
lently,  till  at  last  Conrad  broke  the  silence  in  a  low 
voice,  — 

"There's  a  woman  following  us." 

"  Yes ,  I  noticed  it  a  square  or  two  back :  she 
keeps  exactly  behind  us,  poor  soul ! " 

"  It  is  very  strange,  she  comes  so  close,  and 
never  speaks,"  said  Conrad.  "  It  may  be  some 
miserable  creature  who  is  dying  of  hunger.  I 
always  think  that." 

"  Nonsense !  compose  your  nerves,  my  good 
Conrad.  You  are  not  as  familiar  with  these  city 
streets  as  I  am.  You  wouldn't  care- to  speak  to  the 
kind  of  woman  who  goes  roaming  at  this  hour  of 
the  night." 


Il8  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

"  Still,  even  if  she  is  unfortunate,  a  kind  word, 
to  learn  if  she  is  suffering  !  She  haunts  me  like  a 
spirit,"  persisted  Conrad. 

"  If  you  are  determined  to  see  for  yourself,  see," 
I  said  doggedly ;  and  we  stopped.  The  thing  in 
human  form,  whatever  it  was,  stopped  also,  and, 
just  discernible  in  the  dim  light  of  a  corner  street- 
lamp,  looked  weird  to  the  last  degree,  as  its  loose 
drapery  fell  lightly  about  it,  and  it  seemed  to  hover 
just  over  the  pavement. 

"  Come,  come !  whatever  it  is,  it's  apparently 
afraid  of  us,"  I  said  ;  and,  gracious  Heaven  !  some 
body  exclaimed,  "  Charlie ! " 

Again  the  voice,  so  much  louder  than  the  last 
cry  that  I  could  hear  it  tremble. 

"  Great  Heaven,  it's  Lissa ! "  I  said,  and  called  her. 
She  came  flying  towards  me,  and  fell  into  my  arms 
with  a  half-hysterical  scream. 

"  I  hoped  it  was  you.  O  Charlie  !  I'm  almost 
dead  with  fright." 

"  In  the  name  of  the  Vedas  of  India,  Lissa  Har- 
man,  what  are  you  doing  out  here  in  the  dead  of 
night?"  I  asked. 

"  Don't  scold,  Charlie.  I  got  lost,  and  no  soul 
in  sight;  and  the  dark,  and  the  strange  look  of 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  119 

the  streets,  made  my  heaVt  beat  till  I  thought  I 
should  fall.  Then  I  saw  you  two,  and  I  thought  of 
Charlie  and  Conrad  ;  and  I  began  to  follow  you, 
though  I  was  afraid  of  you.  When  you  stopped 
and  looked  back,  I  had  like  to  run  away ;  but  some 
thing  told  me  to  call  you,  and,  if  it  was  you,  you 
would  speak." 

"But  will  you  please  explain  why  you  are  out 
at  this  unseemly  hour  ? "  I  asked  impatiently. 

"Why,  the  baby"  — 

"  Condemn  that  baby,"  I  groaned. 

"  Now,  Charlie  !  " 

'Your  pardon,  Mrs.  Harman :  I  interrupted  you ; 
a  thing  that  you  are  never  guilty  of  —  if  you  will 
allow  me  to  tell  a  polite  lie." 

"  Charlie,  you  are  angry,  and  you  won't  let  me 
explain;  but  I  will.  The  baby  was  taken  in 
spasms,  then,  and  we  sent  for  the  doctor  next 
door." 

"Well?" 

"  He  staid  till  poor  little  Daisy  was  better,  then 
wrote  a  prescription." 

"  Of  course  :  do  you  know  he  will  charge  five 
dollars  for  that  ? " 

"  Charlie,  are  you  mean  ? " 


120  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

"Well,  I  have  just  lostf  five  hundred  dollars,  my 
dear,"  I  said,  as  mildly  as  I  could.  "And  now  to 
find  you  running  the  streets  on  account  of  that 
little  beggar ! " 

She  loosened  her  arm  from  mine,  and  deliber 
ately  walked  round  to  the  professor. 

"  Lissa,"  said  I,  stung  by  my  own  injustice,  "if 
you'll  come  back  I'll  ask  your  pardon." 

"  No  ;  ask  no  pardon  :  I  will  come  without  that, 
if  you  are  sorry ;  but  you  must  listen,  for  indeed 
I  cannot  see  Daisy  die  before  my  eyes  for  the  want 
of  a  little  medicine,"  she  said  falteringly.  "Well, 
it  was  then  half-past  ten.  The  doctor  told  us 
she  must  have  the  powders  immediately,  or  there 
might  be  a  return  of  the  illness.  I  thought  you 
would  soon  come  in,  but  you  did  not.  At  quarter 
to  eleven  I  begged  the  nurse  to  go  :  she  would  not 
stir ;  she  had  never  been  out  so  late,  she  said,  and 
I  could  not  hire  her.  At  eleven  I  could  wait  no 
longer :  I  remembered  having  seen  drug-shops  at 
different  corners,  but  did  not  know  exactly  where 
to  go.  Disguising  myself  in  my  waterproof,  I  tame 
out.  Oh,  it  was  so  dark  !  so  silent !  not  a  step  all 
down  the  long  street.  I  had  never,  in  all  my  life, 
been  out  in  the  dark  alone." 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  121 

"My  brave  little  wife,"  I  whispered,  squeezing 
her  arm. 

"  Not  a  bit :  I  felt  like  a  weak  coward  ;  but  I 
braced  up  the  courage,  and  I  went  on,  square  after 
square,  and  still  no  shops  of  the  kind ;  oh,  for  so 
long  a  distance  !  A  poor  drunken  sailor  came 
along ;  but  he  only  stood  still  for  a  moment,  as  well 
as  he  could  for  reeling,  and  said,  in  German,  — 

" '  God  bless  the  woman  ! ' 

"  O  Charlie  !  hearing  that  dear  language  !  if  he 
had  only  been  sober,  I  should  have  asked  him  to 
take  care  of  me.  I  went  on  till  I  came  to  such  a 
queer  little  corner  drug-shop,  with  such  an  old, 
queer  man  behind  the  counter,  all  hair  and  teeth, 
for  all  the  world  like  our  old  white  dog  Wolf,  at 
home  in  Germany.- 

"  He  looked  at  me,  and  at  the  paper,  and  then  at 
me  again,  and  said  something  about  up-town  doc 
tors,  and  they  didn't  generally  send  prescriptions 
to  him  :  so  you  see  how  far  I  had  gone.  •  Not  long 
after  I  left  him,  I  seemed  to  have  got  bewildered, 
turned  round,  you  know  :  the-  streets  looked  strange. 
Where  should  I  go,  and  who  should  I  speak  to  ? 
O  Charlie,  how  I  did  long  for  you!  just  as  if  I  were 
in  a  foreign  land,  and  you  thousands  of  miles  away. 


122  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

When  the  terror  had  hold  of  me  that  I  did  not 
know  which  way  to  go,  of  all  the  streets  I  met,  I 
stood  still  for  a  moment,  and  I  thought  of  our  God 
who  sees  us  in  all  our  troubles,  and  I  told  him 
how  I  wanted  Charlie ;  and  that  minute  you  came 
in  sight;  but  I  didn't  quite  believe,  — it  is  always 
so,  you  knowr — and  so  I  followed  you  two,  fearing 
and  hoping,  till  I  got  the  strength  to  speak;  and, 
O  Charlie  !  it's  so  good  to  be  here  !  " 

Now,  find  me  a  narrative  more  simple  than  that, 
more  commonplace  if  you  will ;  and  yet  I  declare 
to  you  that  the  tears  were  running  over  my  cheeks 
before  I  knew  it. 

"  Lissa,"  said  I,  "you're  a  heroine!  I'm  proud 
of  you;  and  —  and —  God  bless  the  baby!" 

As  for  the  professor,  who  had  been  silent,  I  saw 
he  couldn't  bear  the  light  of  the  hall-lamp,  though 
it  was  very  low ;  and  so  a  woman  with  hej  little 
story  had  set  two  men  to  crying. 

I  am  happy  to  add,  as  a  pleasurable  ending  to 
this  chapter,  that  my  watch  was  traced  to  a  pawn 
broker's  shop,  and  restored  to  me. 


THAT    WIFE     OF    MINE.  123 


Chapter  -Jftfteetu 

jMONG  my  letters  the  day  following,  was 
one  from  a  lady  correspondent,  a  brilliant, 
gossipy  writer,  who  kept  us  informed  as 
to  the  comings  and  goings  of  society  people,  and 
who  could  write  about  the  embroidery  upon  a 
French  flounce  with  as  much  enthusiasm  as  your 
art-student  when  revelling  in  the  description  of 
one  of  Turner's  best  pictures. 

While  reading  it,  I  was  struck  with  her  reference 
to  a  visit  she  had  recently  made. 

"  Finding  myself  in  H the  other  day,"  she 

said,  "  and  having  some  three  or  four  hours  on  my 
hands,  it  struck  me  that  I  might  employ  my  leis 
ure  in  exploring  the  neighborhood. 

"  To  the  right  on  a  grandly  rising  eminence,  stood 
an  imposing  edifice  of  gray  stone,  which  I  found 
upon  inquiry  was  a  hospital  for  the  insane.  Curi 
osity,  and  I  trust,  profound  pity  for  such  unfor- 


124  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

tunates,  led  me  to  apply  for  admission.  I  was 
told  that  it  was  not  the  day  for  public  inspection ; 
but  when  I  showed  them  the  magic  name  of  '  The 
Regulator,'  and  explained  that  I  wrote  (for  very 
small  pay,  you  know)  for  its  columns,  the  sealed 
'doors  opened,  and  I  entered. 

"  Every  thing  seemed  to  be  in  apple-pie  order, 
notwithstanding  it  was  not  a  show  day ;  and  two  or 
three  of  the  nurses,  barring  a  certain  disagreeable 
firmness  about  the  mouth,  impressed  me  favorably. 
The  doctor,  a  portly  Sir  Chesterfield  sort  of  man, 
with  a  head  like  a  lion,  narrow  shoulders,  and  a 
terrible  eye  which  I  fear  would  drive  me  insane 
if  I  had  too  much  of  it,  explained  all  the  workings 
of  the  institution,  which  I  will  not  now  trouble 
you  with. 

"One  of  the  patients  was  a  slender,  hectic 
woman,  who  ceased  her  rocking  as  I  came  near, 
and,  rushing  towards  me  with  clasped  hands,  cried 
piteously,  — 

" '  Have  you  seen  my  baby  ? ' 

"  '  That  is  her  cry,  madam,  morning  and  night,' 
said  the  doctor. 

"  '  Is  the  child  dead  ? '  I  asked. 

" '  We  fear  so,"  he  replied  carefully,  and  in  an 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE,  125 

aside.  'Undoubtedly  it  perished  by  her  hands; 
but  she  was  not  responsible,  having  lost  her  mind 
before  its  birth.  It  was  born  here.' 

"  What  a  pitiful  story !  Do  you  follow  it  ?  Born 
in  a  madhouse  !  its  inheritance  insanity ! 

"Her  mind  was  wrecked  by  the  sudden  death  of 
her  husband.  They  were  riding  side  by  side, 
when  the  horse  took  fright,  and  threw  them  both 
out.  He  was  instantly  killed  before  her  eyes, 
while  she  was  uninjured.  She  never  smiled  after 
ward  ;  grew  melancholy,  and  at  last  raving  mad. 
After  the  birth  of  the  child,  her  insanity  took  a 
milder  form  ;  but  she  seemed  to  fear  visitors  wanted 
to  take  her  babe,  and  resorted  to  the  most  novel 
methods  to  hide  it.  Sometimes  the  poor  soul 
would  secrete  it  in  the  grounds,  in  curious  corners 
and  out-houses,  but  always  with  an  eye  to  its 
safety.  At  last  one  day  in  June,  she  made  her 
escape  ;  and  when  found  the  child  was  not  with 
her.  At  first  she  said  she  had  hidden  it  where 
no  one  could  find  it,  then  that  she  had  given  it 
away ;  and  at  last  she  mourned  for  it  incessantly. 
The  woods  were  searched  and  the  rivers  dragged 
as  far  as  practicable,  but  no  trace  was  ever  found 
of  the  child.  Undoubtedly  she  made  way  with  the 
poor  little  soul :  if  not,  God  help  it !  " 


126  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

Judge  if  I  was  not  surprised,  gratified,  startled, 
enlightened.  The  place  was  less  than  a  mile  from 
the  little  side  station  where  Conrad  had  stopped  on 
that  eventful  day ;  the  time  June ;  the  circum 
stances  coincident. 

I  took  up  the  letter  again. 

"  Since  then,"  continued  my  fair  correspondent, 
"  the  mother  fancies  that  they  have  found  the  child, 
and  are  keeping  it  from  her.  To  every  visitor  she 
puts  the  same  melancholy  query,  — 

"  '  Have  you  seen  my  i>aby  ? ' 

"  Day  after  day  she  waylays  the  attendants  and 
even  the  doctor  himself,  pitifully  entreating  them 
to  give  up  the  child,  and  offering  "fabulous  sums 
for  its  restoration.  They  answer  her  kindly,  it  is 
to  be  hoped,  for  the  poor  soul  is  drawing  very  near 
the  grave.  The  doctor  thinks  she  cannot  last 
many  weeks.  She  is  a  slight,  sweet-looking 
woman ;  but  her  face  is  so  stamped  with  unchan 
ging  sadness,  that  one  cannot  forget  it.  It  has 
followed  me  for  days  and  days." 

I  hurried  home  with  the  letter  to  Lissa.  She 
read  it  through  quietly  and  with  a  very  grave  face. 

"  The  baby  must  go  to  its  mother,"  said  Lissa. 

"  But  how  do  we  know  that  she  is  its  mother  ? " 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  127 

"  Why,  of  course  it  is  :  don't  you  see  ?  I'm  as 
sure  of  it  as  if  I  had  been  on  the  spot,  and  wit 
nessed  the  whole  transaction." 

"  You  have  been  just  as  sure  of  other  things,"  I 
said,  "  and  yet  been  mistaken." 

"  Oh,  yes !  I  know  that :  I'm  not  a  bit  wise ;  I 
never  shall  be,  I  suppose." 

"  And  I  don't  want  you  to  be,  not  at  least  till  I 
cut  my  own  wisdom  teeth,"  I  made  reply.  "  We 
are  only  grown  children  at  the  best,  but  I  must 
say  you  are  the  most  delightful  specimen  I  ever 
encountered." 

"  You  forget  Elsa,"  she  said  reprovingly. 

"  No ;  for  in  you  I  have  my  Elsa  reduplicated. 
I  somehow  love  you  both  in  one.  Does  that 
trouble  you  ? " 

"  On  the  contrary,  it  charms  me.  If  I  were 
looking  down  from  where  she  is,  and  you  dis 
paraged  me  in  the  slightest  degree,  I  would  go 
seek  another  love  in  heaven ;  but  if  you  talked  of 
me  as  you  do  of  your  Elsa,  I  should  want  to  clasp 
you  both  in  my  arms  and  never  lose  you." 

"Well,  that  is  rather  vague  as  to  personality 
and  identity,"  was  my  reply ;  "  but  we'll  put  it  to  the 
account  of  the  German  tongue." 


128  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

"  I  never  can  be  jealous  of  the  dead,"  she  said 
softly  and  musingly,  "  because  if  I  should  die  "  — 

I  caught  her  in  my  arms,  and  smothered  the 
unwelcome  words  down  upon  her  lips  with  kisses. 

"  You  are  not  going  to  die :  you  are  going  to  live 
to  torment  me  till  my  gray  hairs  are  uncountable  ; 
get  me  into  scrapes  innumerable,  laugh  me  out  of 
my  absurdities,  and  cry  me  into  them  again.  You 
are  a  witch-woman,  Lissa;  you  are  a  German 
Lorelei  without  her  wickedness  ;  I  think  you  must 
have  been  the  maiden  of  the  Drachenfels  some 
hundreds  of  years  ago,  who  subdued  even  the  drag 
on.  Well,  I  won't  be  foolish  any  more.  But  how 
about  the  baby  ? " 

"  I  shall  take  it  there  immediately." 
"  And  am  I  to  have  nothing  to  say  about  it  ? " 
"  What  do  men  know  about  such,  matters  ? " 
"  I  humbly  bow  to  your  superior  knowledge  ;  but 
it  strikes  me,  that  as  I  have  a  little  business  in  that 
vicinity,  it  would  not  be  amiss  to  stop  at  the  hospi 
tal,  and  learn  whether  the  state  of  the  woman  is 
such  that  it  would  be  advisable  to  carry  the  child 
there." 

"  Y-es,  maybe  it  would ;  perhaps  you  are  right," 
she  assented  a  little  reluctantly. 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  129 

Accordingly,  after  a  short  consultation  with  the 
professor,  I  ran  down  to  H'.  The  result  was  a 
telegraph  line  to  Lissa :  — 

"  Woman  is  dead  ;  was  buried  yesterday." 
I  saw  Perkins,  the  little  oil-man,  with  a  rag  in 
one  hand  and  a  lamp  in  the  other;  I  looked  out 
of  the  narrow  windows  to  the  long  stretches  of 
woods  on  either  side,  at  the  two  shining  rails  that 
faded  into  indistinctness  ;  I  thought  of  the  poor, 
mindless  mother,  dying  with  her  longing  unsatis 
fied  ;  and  my  heart  went  out  to  the  orphan  waif  as 
it  never  had  gone  before. 


130  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 


Cjjapter  -Sixteen* 

OU'LL   send   the   piano,  dear:   mind  you 
don't  forget." 

"I'll   send  the   piano:    I  won't   forget. 
You  want  a  grand,  don't  you  ?  " 

"  Of  course ;  one  of  the  best ;  and  two  stools, 
please,  for  the  duets." 

"  All  right ;  stools  for  the  duets.  They'll  be 
here  by  three  at  the  latest,  if  I  live  long  enough  to 
order  them." 

"  Now,  Charlie,  you  are  very  forgetful." 

"  I  know  it,  but  this  is  an  important  commission. 
All  the  forces  of  my  intellect  have  been  brought 
to  bear  upon  the  proper  exercise  of  the  functions 
of  memory.  I  shall  not  forget.  Au  revoir" 

I  did  not  forget.  There  were  rival  music  stores, 
Dexter' s  and  Woufert's.  Woufert  advertised  in 
"  The  Regulator,"  Dexter  did  not :  consequently  I 
felt  myself  in  duty  bound  to  patronize  the  little 
bald-headed  German,  Woufert 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  131 

We  were  to  have  a  small,  select  company  to 
listen  to  a  new  star  in  the  musical  world.  Conrad 
had  invited  the  college  faculty,  including  the  dean. 
The  latter  wrote  a  rather  stiff  little  note,  excusing 
himself  and  his  daughter,  which  Conrad  tore  in 
pieces  as  soon  as  he  read  it. 

Von  Lewes  was  the  name  of  our  new  musical 
celebrity.  He  had  promised  to  take  tea  with  us, 
in  order  to  enjoy  a  tete-d-tete  in  German  with  my 
wife  and  the  professor.  I  had  invited  several 
editors  of  city  journals,  ordered  ice-cream  ad  libi 
tum,  and  felt  myself  beating  time  to  the  antici 
pated  harmony  as  I  cheerfully  hummed  over  my 
work. 

Woufert  offered  me  his  best  piano,  —  one  that 
he  said  had  been  tested  by  experts,  and  the  sale  of 
which  was  now  under  consideration  between  two 
parties,  one  of  whom,  the  Swedish  consul,  would 
be  sure  to  buy. 

The  day  passed  happily  away.  Bores  went  by 
the  door.  Contributors  wrote  pleasantly.  I  was 
prepared  to  feel  that  the  world  was  a  harbor  of  rest 
for  weary  souls,  as  I  took  my  way  homeward. 
Suddenly,  in  fronting  my  house,  I  became  aware  of 
a  scene  of  unusual  and  perplexing  annoyance. 


132  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

Two  immense  vans,  each  loaded  with  a  grand  piano 
of  the  largest  calibre,  blocked  up  the  passage ;  and 
the  drivers  thereof  were  abusing  each  other  in  the 
purest  idiomatic  Irish,  while  six  brawny  men  on 
either  side  were  vociferating  at  the  top  of  their 
lungs,  —  ordering,  contradicting,  jeering,  and  jest 
ing,  to  the  lively  amusement  of  all  the  boys  for  a 
dozen  streets  round.  Two  hurdy-gurdy  performers 
and  a  swarthy  Italian,  with  hand-organ  and  mon 
key,  had  paused  to  listen  and  to  laugh. 

Here  was  a  dilemma.  I  came  upon  the  situation 
just  as  the  two  Milesian  drivers  were  tearing  off 
what  fragments  of  coats  covered  their  rags,  each 
protesting  that  he  would  knock  the  other  into 
smithereens.  Respectable  windows  on  each  side 
of  the  street  held  their  quota  of  respectable  and 
shocked  faces.  Here  and  there  a  voice  cried, 
«  Police!" 

"  See  here,  men,  what's  all  the  trouble  ? "  I  asked 

Imagine  the  irate  Irishmen,  both  talking  in  what 
was  double  Dutch  to  me,  flourishing  their  whips, 
pulling  their  beards,  jerking  heads,  hands,  and 
elbows. 

Just  then,  looking  up  at  a  square  of  window,  I 
saw  Lissa's  face.  Its  lineaments  were  despairing 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  133 

to  the  last  degree.  Her  rapid  telegraphy  sum 
moned  me  within ;  but  I  felt  that  this  ridiculous 
scene  must  be  made  an  end  of ;  for  the  street  was 
nearly  blocked  up,  as  sundry  drivers,  with  their 
vehicles,  had  also  stopped  to  see  what  was  going 
on.  During  this  time,  the  two  noble  but  wrathful 
sons  of  Erin  never  abated  their  shibboleth. 

"  Men,"  I  said,  "  which  of  you  comes  from  Wou- 
fert's?" 

"  It's  mesilf,  shure,"  cried  the  tallest,  with  a 
touch-me-if-you-dare  leer  at  his  rival. 

"  You're  the  one  I  want,  then ;  and  I'll  give  the 
other  a  dollar  to  back  out.  There's  some  mistake 
here." 

"  By  the  bones  of  St  Patrick  !  I  should  say  there 
was,"  repeated  the  discomfited  Erinite,  who  had 
been  so  politely  informed  that  he  was  not  wanted, 
as  he  scratched  his  red  head  vigorously. 

"Make  quick  work  of  it,  boys.  Here's  your 
dollar;  and  I'll  come  round  to  Dexter' s,  and  see 
that  it's  all  right." 

Woufert's  man  gave  his  rimless  hat  a  spin,  and 
fairly  howled  his  ecstasy.  The  other,  with  more 
venomous  words,  and  vindictive  shakes  of  his 
head,  than  I  can  enumerate,  backed  out,  to  the 


134  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

consternation  of  all  the  boys,  and  the  fright  of  the 
girls,  who  decamped  forthwith. 

I  had  fairly  taken  in  the  situation,  when  I  met 
Lissa  in  the  small  reception-room. 

"  Well,  my  dear,  all  Oak  Street  has  been  notified 
that  we  are  to  give  a  social  musicale.  It  was  a 
good  advertisement." 

"Charlie,  it's  too  bad!  "she  said,  with  tears  in 
her  eyes. 

"  What  is  too  bad  ? " 

"  Why,  every  thing.  The  disgusting  conduct  of 
those  two  men !  Conrad  could  do  nothing  with 
them.  And  in  the  midst  of  it  all,  came  your  musi 
cal  friend.  He  could  hardly  get  into  the  house. 
What  must  he  think  ? " 

"  I  suppose  he  simply  wondered  which  was  the 
best  piano.  But,  Lissa ! " 

She  cowered  a  little,  like  a  child  sensible  of  its 
error. 

"Three  o'clock  came,  and  —  and  nothing  else. 
I  thought  you  had  forgotten  :  Conrad  thought  so 
too." 

"  I  hope,  my  dear,  that  some  day  you  will  see 
the  grandeur  and  justice  of  trusting  your  hus 
band,"  I  said  quietly  and  deliberately. 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  135 

"She  was  silent  for  a  single  moment. 

"  Conrad  said  you  traded  with  Dexter,"  she  mur 
mured  ;  "  he  gets  all  his  music  there." 

"  Who  ordered  it  ? " 

"  I  did." 

"  And  you  paid  down  for  it  ?  " 

"  Yes,  of  course  :  ten  dollars." 

"Just  exactly  what  I  paid  at  Woufert's ;  but 
never  mind,  love,  what  is  money  ?  Does  not  the 
immortal  Johnson  say  that  money  and  time  are 
the  heaviest  burdens  of  life  ?  Let  us  not  regret 
our  twenty  dollars,  then.  But  perhaps  you  also 
ordered  ice-cream  and  other  sundries,  for  fear  that 
I  forgot." 

"  And  if  I  did  ?  " 

"  We'll  sell  it  to-morrow,  to  defray  expenses." 

"  I  think  you  are  the  most  hatefullest  person  that 
ever  was  living.  Can't  you  see  how  sorry  I  am  ? 
Can  it  now  be  helped  ?  Do  you  know  what  I  felt 
with  all  the  fuss  going  on,  and  the  fighting,  and  the 
crowd,  and  the  dread  of  seeing  you  come  home, 
because  I  had  done  thoughtless  ? " 

"  Lissa,  I  am  sorry." 

"  I  don't  care  :  you  are  always  being  sorry,  and 
always  being  unjust.  I  should  have  married  in  my 
own  country." 


136  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

"  Why,  Lissa,  you  did  marry  in  your  own  coun 
try —  but  you  made  a  mistake  in  the  man,  eh? 
Come,  honest." 

"  No  !  "  very  short. 

"  Your  husband  is  a  great  tyrant,  who  wants  his 
own  way  in  every  thing  ;  an  absurd  creature  who 
loves  jokes  better  than  his  food,  and  scolds  his  wife 
where  he  only  means  to  laugh  at  her,  —  that  is,  she 
thinks  he  scolds  her.  And  then  she  don't  have 
confidence  in  him ;  and  as  he's  a  great,  good-natured 
fellow,  she  will  boss  him  now  and  then." 

"  Never !  "  angrily  :  "  I  never  did  in  mine  life." 

"  Only  a  little,  just  a  little,  to  give  spice  to  the 
quiet  of  our  existence." 

"  And  you  never  make  mistakes,  never  do  outra 
geous  things  ? " 

"Yes,  I  do:  I  am  going  to  do  an  outrageous 
thing  to-morrow  —  see !  " 

"  Oh,  opera ! "  she  cried,  her  eyes  sparkling. 

"  Yes,  and  a  box  at  that.  Have  you  a  pretty 
dress  ? " 

"  Charming !  blue  silk :  I  have  worn  it  but  once ; 
arid  white  cloak  with  the  birds'  down.  O  Charlie, 
how  nice  you  are  ' " 

"  How  about  that  German  you  should  have  mar 
ried?" 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  137 

"  There  never  was  a  German  half  as  good  as  you 
—  only  Conrad." 

"  And  you  forgive  me  the  ten  dollars  ? " 

Her  laugh  rang  out. 

"  O  Charlie !  you  should  have  seen  the  fun.  First 
drove  up  one ;  and  no  sooner  had  he  rung  the 
door,  than  up  came  the  other.  And  then  they 
stood  on  the  doorstep,  talking  to  Tiddy ;  and  Tiddy 
threatened  to  throw  hot  water  on  them,  and  I  came 
down  and  begged  them  to  wait  a  little.  Then  they 
climbed  to  their  seats,  and  presently  began  joking 
each  other,  and  grew  angry,  and  the  little  boys 
cheered.  I  can  laugh  at  it  now,  because  it  seems 
so  ridiculous ;  but  I  could  have  cried,  and  then  I 
was  so  mortified  to  think  it  was  all  my  doing.  I 
was  so  sure  you  had  forgotten  it  when  Mr.  Dexter 
said  you  had  not  been  in  at  all.  How  did  I  know 
about  the  other  music-store  ?  " 

Did  ever  man  have  a  more  charming  wife  ?  She 
could  have  had  the  half  of  my  kingdom  for  the 
asking.  • 


138  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 


|LBANI  sang  that  night  in  the  opera  "  Son- 
nambula,"  which  was  a  favorite  of  Lissa's. 
Like  a  white  star  set  in  blue,  my  little  wife 
shone  beside  me ;  and  I  confess  to  being  quite 
elated  by  the  admiration  she  excited. 

Perhaps  it  was  a  drawback  to  find  Mrs.  Ellery 
also  an  occupant  of  our  box,  in  company  with  two 
young  men  about  town,  instead  of  her  lawful  hus 
band.  Lissa's  greeting  was  constrained,  but  Mrs. 
Ellery  never  accepted  a  slight.  She  was  more 
than  ordinarily  gracious  to  my  wife :  she  devoted 
herself  to  me  equally  with  her  two  cavaliers.  It  was 
in  that  quality  of  making  herself  agreeable  to  any 
number  of  gentlemen,  and  in  such  a  way  that  each 
one  felt  himself  flattered  by  her  exclusive  prefer 
ence,  that  Mrs.  Ellery  excelled. 

"  What  a  powerful  voice !  how  deliciously  clear 
and  pure ! "  she  observed,  leaning  over  Lissa,  and 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  139 

shaking  her  rich  laces  with  the  effort.  "  Do  you 
notice  the  middle  register?  YQU  must  let  me 
write  her  up  for  you,  will  you?  I  so  dote  on 
Albani ! " 

"  You  have  my  permission,  certainly,"  I  said. 

"  What  an  atmosphere  of  poetry  she  must  carry 
about  with  her  perpetually  ! "  she  continued.  "  Do 
you  know,  she  has  set  a  dozen  sonnets  flying 
through  my  brain  ?  '  Oh,  spring-tide  bloom  ! '  is 
one  which  is  slowly  shaping  into  roundness  and 
finish.  Does  your  wife  write  ?  —  Do  you  ever  write 
poetry,  Mrs.  Harman  ?  you  look  as  if  you  did." 

Lissa  blushed,  and  her  eyes  appealed  to  me. 

"  I  am  sure  she  could,  Mrs.  Ellery,  if  she  tried  ; 
but  my  wife's  poetry  is  in  her  home-surroundings, 
and  her  husband  reads  it  every  day  in  the  grace 
and  comfort  she  creates." 

"  Very  pretty,  I'm  sure.  Your  husband  has  not 
yet  ceased  to  be  your  lover,  Mrs.  Harman,"  she 
said,  laughing.  "  If  we  poor  women  could  always 
be  so  appreciated  !  But  ah  !  Albani  is  singing, 
A/i,  non  credea !  What  a  shame  that  I  should 
talk  !  " 

After  a  time,  and  when  there  was  a  brief  lull  in 
the  music,  she  leaned  over  again. 


140  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

"  There  is  a  very  pretty  woman  who  constantly 
eyes  you  through  her  glass,  in  one  of  the  opposite 
boxes,"  she  said  to  me.  I  looked  in  the  direction 
indicated,  so  did  Lissa. 

"  She  is  pretty,  indeed  she  is  very  pretty,"  said 
'Lissa.  "  Do  you  know  her  ? " 

"  I  do  not,"  was  my  reply. 

"You  should  consider  it  a  compliment  :  she 
looks  at  no  one  but  you,"  continued  Mrs.  Ellery. 
"  I  have  been  watching  her :  she  must  be  talking 
of  you,  too,  to  somebody  hidden  by  the  curtain." 

In  a  few  moments  a  card  was  handed  to  me. 
The  name  was  one  which  I  was  not  familiar  with, 
but  I  stepped  out  of  my  box  to  meet  the  gentle 
man  who  sent  it. 

"  Will  you  go  round  with  me  ?  "  he  asked,  "  to 
see  an  old  friend  of  yours  ?  "  * 

I  could  do  no  more  than  excuse  myself  to  Lissa, 
and  in  a  short  time  found  myself,  to  my  intense 
surprise,  the  occupant  of  the  box  opposite,  indicat 
ed  by  Mrs.  Ellery,  and  seated  beside  the  lady  who 
had  used  her  opera-glasses  so  indefatigably  during 
the  evening. 

If  ever  mortal  man  was  placed  in  a  dilemma,  I 
was  that  night.  I  faund  the  lady  in  question  an 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  141 

old  friend  of  my  youth  ;  and,  on  closer  inspection, 
her  beauty  was  not  so  fresh  as  it  looked  across  the 
house.  If  you  have  ever  been  caught  between 
two  rapid  talkers  who  value  nothing  so  highly  as 
their  own  vocal  powers,  who  question  you,  ply  you 
with  facts,  go  into  long  genealogical  researches, 
and  who,  in  fine,  are  never  so  happy  as  when  talk 
ing  of  themselves,  you  will  imagine  the  perplexity 
I  was  in.  In  vain  I  tried  to  excuse  myself,  hint 
ed  that  I  had  left  my  wife  alone  :  my  tormentors 
had  me  by  the  button,  and  were  determined  to 
keep  me. 

I  thought  I  saw  a  smile  of  fiendish  satisfaction 
on  Mrs.  Ellery's  face  as  one  of  the  young  men 
took  my  seat  beside  Lissa.  And,  was  it  possible  ? 
was  that  my  wife  laughing,  talking  to  him,  playing 
wilh  her  fan,  her  cheeks  red,  her  eyes  intense  with 
light,  her  manner  gracious  ? 

I  saw  Mrs.  Ellery  bend  over  and  speak  to  Lissa, 
and  Lissa  answer  back  with  unwonted  freedom. 
Her  manner  I  could  tell  was  the  outgrowth  of 
some  new  emotion.  Presently  glasses  were  lev 
elled  towards  her.  People  seemed  but  just  finding 
out  that  there  was  a  beauty,  a  new,  fresh  importa 
tion,  the  .burning  gold  of  whose  hair  under  the 


142  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

lustres  was  not  to  be  matched  in  all  that  great 
assembly. 

It  was  not  till  near  the  close  of  the  last  act  that 
I  could  free  myself  of  my  tormentors. 

"  Tell  your  charming  wife  that  I  shall  do  myself 
the  honor  of  calling  and  making  her  acquaintance," 
laughed  the  lady ;  "  but  pray  don't  add  the  senti 
mental  fact  that  you  were  an  old  beau  of  mine." 

"  I  don't  think  I  shall,  madam,"  was  my  mental 
answer,  and  hurrying  away  I  entered  my  own  box. 
There  was  no  seat  for  me  now  except  behind 
Lissa ;  and  beyond  a  cold  nod  Lissa  never  recog 
nized  me.  The  young  jackanapes  beside  her  coolly 
kept  my  chair,  completely  ignoring  me ;  and,  unless 
Lissa  had  signified  the  wish,  I  had  not  the  nerve 
just  then  to  ask  him  to  resign  my  place.  So  we 
sat  there,  —  I  sullen  and  moody  ;  Lissa  gay  by  fits 
and  starts,  talking  much  to  Mrs.  Ellery,  who  pre 
tended  great  confidences,  but  never  once  speaking 
to  me  till  the  entertainment  was  over. 

"  Well,  have  you  enjoyed  yourself  ?  "  I  asked,  as 
I  drew  Lissa's  cloak  closer  over  her  throat. 

"  Not  a  bit,"  she  answered  with  a  rapid  gesture. 

"  If  she  hasn't,  I  know  somebody  who  has," 
laughed  Mrs.  Ellery,  who  overheard  us,  • 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  143 

"  If  you  mean  me,  madam,"  I  said  coldly,  "  I 
give  you  much  credit  for  your  penetration :  if  you 
mean  the  gentleman  who  came  with  you,  I'm 
afraid  he  needs  more  brains  to  be  capable  of  enjoy 
ing  any  thing  besides  his  dinner." 

"  Now,  suppose  I  meant  myself,"  laughed  the 
lady,  turning  the  table  on  me  with  her  woman's 
wit. 

"  Then  I  have  nothing  to  say,"  was  my  reply, 
feeling  very  much  like  a  fool,  as  any  man  will  who 
allows  himself  to  give  way  to  his  passion. 

Lissa  leaned  back  in  a  corner  of  the  carriage. 
It  was  not  that  way  she  was  wont  to  drive  home 
with  me. 

"  I  thought  you  were  very  happy  as  I  looked  at 
you  across  the  theatre,"  I  said,  holding  down  my 
resentment. 

"  And  you  ? "  she  said. 

"  Oh !  I  was  in  paradise,  if  you'll  substitute  the 
other,  less  polite  word.  They  held  me  wedged  in 
like  a  piece  of  bread  inside  a  toaster,  and  would 
not  let  me  budge  till  I  was  thoroughly  done 
brown." 

"  But  you  said  you  didn't  know  the  lady." 


144  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

"  Good  reason  why  :  I  had  forgotten  her,  till  she 
told  me  who  she  was." 

"  But  Mrs.  Ellery  said  you  did  know  all  the  time 
that  it  was  an  old  flame;  and  then  she  told  me 
things  that  made  me  think  so  meanly  of  all  men." 

"  Mrs.  Ellery  is  a  serpent.  I'll  publish  no  more 
of  her  sonnets.  But  you,  —  I  saw  you  laughing, 
and  —  I  won't  say  coquetting,  but "  — 

"  Say  any  thing,  Charlie.  I  was  angry  with  you, 
after  what  she  told  me ;  and  I  grew  more  and  more 
careless,  till  I  laughed  and  talked  with  that  silly 
man,  thinking  you  had  forgotten  that  you  left  me 
alone.  I  didn't  know  I  could  do  such  things  :  I 
didn't  know  it  was  in  me.  I  had  rather  stay  at 
home :  I  love  home  best.  Our  own  little  companies 
are  better  than  those  hot,  bright  places,  where  men 
stare  into  your  face,  and  strangers,  if  they  get  the 
chance,  say  things  which  make  you  laugh,  but  which 
you  hate." 

"  And  women  like  Mrs.  Ellery  '  — 

"  Oh  !  I  am  thankful  you  told  me  not  to  see  her," 
she  interrupted  :  "  she  has  power  to  please,  and  she 
would  do  me  harm.  I  wish — I  wish_y0#  had  never 
known  her." 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  145 

By  this  time  I  had  drawn  my  own  true  little  wife 
into  my  arms  ;  and,  though  indorsing  much  that 
she  said,  I  could  not  find  it  in  my  heart  to  believe 
that  Mrs.  Ellery,  with  all  her  fascinations,  could  do 
her  any  harm.  Such  women  as  my  Lissa  are  very 
near  the  angels. 

"  Suppose,"  said  I,  whispering  close  to  her  ear, 
"suppose  you  trust  your  husband  in  these  as  in 
other  matters?  The  a*mbition  and  vanity  of  that 
poor  woman  have  led  her  far  astray,  I  fear ;  and, 
seeing  you  as  pure  and  good  as  she  once  was,  she 
cannot  rest  till  she  throws  a  few  seeds  of  distrust 
and  suspicion  into  your  mind,  hoping  that  they  may 
germinate,  and  in  time  make  you  such  a  one  as 
herself.  With  all  her  art,  and  she  has  much,  she 
never  yet  was  able  to  veil  her  mental  and  moral 
defects  from  me.  I  would  guard  you  from  such 
persons,  and  from  those  who  follow  and  flatter 
her." 

Lissa  nestled  closer. 

"  Just  so  would  I  keep  myself  so  honorable  in  all 
dealings  with  men  and  women,  and  with  the  world, 
that  I  should  never  blush  to  feel  your  clear  eyes 
upon  me,  even  if  they  should  read  my  very  soul." 


146  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

"  I  will  never  feel  again  as  I  felt  to-night,"  sne 
said  solemnly  and  tearfully. 

How  little  she  knew  that  her  words  were  as  a 
two-edged  sword !  When  we  got  home  we  were 
shocked  with  the  news, — 

"  The  baby  is  dead  1 " 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  147 


Cijapter  3Ei 

JHE  poor  dead  baby ! 

I  had  never  felt  any  special  affection  for 
it  Its  coming  had  been  a  source  of  dis 
quiet,  its  leaving  was  to  me  a  relief.  And,  in  say 
ing  this,  I  do  not  think  I  prove  myself  hard-hearted. 

I  stood  and  looked  at  the  tiny  creature,  Lissa 
leaning  on  my  shoulder  with  emotions  of  awe  and 
sympathy  which  I  think  the  pen  of  an  angel  could 
never  write  out ;  for  angels  see  no  little  upturned 
faces  like  that  in  the  gardens  above. 

How  still  it  was  !  how  white,  how  perfect  in 
its  repose  !  Death  is  the  true  Carrara  marble,  after 
all.  No  chisel  could  trace  such  veins,  or  cloud  the 
forehead  with  those  glittering  threads  that  a  breath 
might  disturb,  or  give  that  unparalleled  polish  which 
speak  the  cold  king  an  artist  whose  conceptions  no 
human  hand  has  ever  approached. 

"  It  is  so  safe  now,"  said  Lissa,  in  her  tender 
voice,  the  pendent  tears  shining  on  her  long  lashes. 


148 


She  nestled  a  little  closer  to  it,  then  she  looked 
up  at  me. 

"  Hasrit  it  had  a  good  time  ?  Plenty  of  tending, 
pretty  clothes,  a  nurse  to  carry  it  out,  two  mothers 
to  love  and  work  for  it,  —  Jo  and  I.  Are  you  sorry, 
dear,  now,  that  it  came  ? " 

I  understood  her ;  and  the  question  gave  me  a 
qualm  or  two.  Yet  God  knows  I  was  not  sorry  for 
all  she  had  spent,  and  all  she  had  done,  though  I 
had  thought  more  of  her  pleasure  than  any  thing 
else  ;  and  so  I  told  her. 

Poor  Jo  mourned  with  the  true  mother  grief. 
The  little  one  had  died  in  comparative  health,  one 
moment  smiling  and  cooing  on  her  lap,  the  next, 
a  direful  spasm,  and  it  was  gone.  The  curl  on 
her  forehead  looked  straight  and  lustreless,  her 
eyes  were  red  with  weeping.  I  think  she  had 
loved  it  more  when  she  knew  that  Conrad  had 
brought  it  there. 

Tiddy  was  in  her  element.  She  loved  to  fix  up 
for  "  flumerals,"  as  she  persisted  in  pronouncing  it. 
With  her  best  red  and  blue  turban  set  high  on  her 
gray  locks,  she  made  as  many  errands  to  the  dark 
ened  parlor  as  she  could  consistently  with  her 
duties  below  stairs.  We  found  her  once  solilo- 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE',  149 

quizing  over  the  little  body  in  the  following 
fashion :  — 

"  Wonner  what  yo's  doin'  now,  little  mistis  ? 
Reckon  de  lightnin'  ain't  nothin'  to  de  brightness 
up  a  dar,  yender,  umph,  umph  !  Scuse  my  askin' 
ob  ye,  but  ye  looks  so  mighty  sweet,  wid  heaven's 
daylight  shinin'  straight  down  on  yo'  little  white 
face  !  Nostle  down  close  to  de  Lord  when  yo'  sees 
him,  umph.  umph !  case  de  Lord's  powerful  fond 
o'  little  chillen,  honey.  An',  ef  ye  sees  a  small 
brack  chile  a-trotting  round  up  yer,  an'  her  name's 
Amy,  dat's  mine.  I's  never  had  none  but  her,  an' 
dat's  de  one.  You  jis  gib  her  my  lub.  Tell  her 
de  old  mammy's  gwine  to  jine  de  saints  by'm-by, 
in  de  glory,  umph,  umph  !  " 

Then  she  wiped  her  eyes  with  her  apron,  and 
dusted  the  casket,  while  we  made  good  our  retreat. 

It  was  all-over. 

The  women-folks  had  made  wreaths  and  crosses 
of  the  sweetest  flowers  that  grow,  for  the  coffin-lid, 
and  placed  in  the  baby  hand  a  wax-like  cluster  of 
white  roses.  There  was  no  mother,  alas  !  to  kiss 
it,  and  cry  out  in  the  passion  of  her  anguish,  "  I 
cannot  have  it  so  !  "  It  was  a  waif,  after  all ;  but  it 
had  gone  to  the  warm  mother  heart,  and  to  the 
father  who  had  not  lived  to  see  it. 


150  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

"  How  can  one  tell  ? "  I  asked  myself.  We  all  do. 
There  is  a  mystery  in  the  soulless  form,  as  awful 
as  it  is  grand.  My  question  meant,  How  can  one 
tell  whither  it  has  gone  ?  But  here  the  faint,  sweet 
scent  of  the  violets,  breathed  by  some  invisible 
atmosphere,  came  to  my  senses  ;  and  I  said  to  my 
self,  "  Even  as  I  cannbt  see  the  fragrance  of  these 
flowers,  but  know  it  is  there,  so  that  which  made 
this  little  child  immortal  is  somewhere,  fragrant 
and  beautiful,  though  impalpable  to  touch." 

A  few  friends  came  in ;  a  few  friends  went  out, 
and  before  them  was  carried  the  little  form.*  Dust 
to  dust !  O  mothers !  how  do  you  hear  it  and  live  ? 
Ashes  to  ashes !  Even  I  felt  my  eyes  moisten, 
and  my  tongue  grow  dry  over  the  mound  of  that 
small  wayfarer. 

What  do  the  mothers  feel  ? 

It  was  very  quiet  after  that  for  days,  Jo  plunged 
into  her  German ;  and  Lissa  busied  herself,  I  knew 
not  how,  only  occasionally  on  her  slender  fore 
finger  I  saw  just  the  slightest  stain  of  ink. 

I  took  her  to  task  for  it. 

"  Do  you  suppose  I  have  no  friends  to  whom  I 
write  letters  ? "  she  asked. 

"  Not  in  this  country,"  I  said. 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  151 

"  There  you  are  mistaken :  I  do  have  a  corre 
spondent." 

"  Man,  or  woman  ? " 

"  I  sha'n't  tell  you." 

"  Allow  me  to  guess,  then." 

"  You  can't." 

"  A  woman,  and  a  very  swe*et  one." 

She  looked  startled. 

"  Her  name  is  —  Nellie  Walters."  • 

"  Now,  how  did  you  know  that  ? "  she  asked, 
provoked. 

"  When  the  dean's  man  comes  over  here  twice  a 
week,  with  the  regularity  of  clock-work,  I  am 
bound  to  know  what  he  comes  for.  If  without 
much  prying  I  see  my  wife's  name  on  the  back  of 
an  envelope  of  the  smallest  possible  dimensions,  I 
am  quite  satisfied  that  I  know  the  writer  of  the 
note.  But  hear  me  further :  that  doesn't  account 
for  the  mystery  of  the  inked  finger." 

"  It's  all  the  account  you  will  get,"  she  answered, 
laughing. 

"And  I  didn't  know  Conrad  was  so  sly." 

"  Conrad  has  nothing  to  do  with  it,"  she  replied, 
coloring. 

"No,  but   Conrad  is   in  every  line,  —  Conrad's 


152  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

thoughts,  wishes,  desires.  What  could  these 
letters  be  worth  to  her  unless  they  came  from 
under  the  roof  that  covers  Conrad,  flavored  with 
the  touch  that  has  also  been  shared  with  Conrad  ? 
for,  don't  you  see,  you  shake  hands  with  him  every 
morning.  That's  a  pretty  German  custom." 

"  I  can't  find  my  scissors,"  said  Lissa,  turning 
away  with  a  pretended  pout. 

"  Yesterday  it  was  your  thimble.  Did  you  find 
it  ? " 

"  Yes ;  and  where  in  the  world  do  you  sup 
pose  ? "  she  asked,  laughing. 

"  In  the  coal-hod  perhaps." 

"  No ;  in  the  pocket  of  the  white  vest  you  wore 
yesterday." 

"  Oh !  and  so  of  course  I  am  to  blame." 

"  Well,  no  :  perhaps  when  I  sat  on  your  knee  — 
I  remember  fumbling  in  your  pockets  for  some 
change." 

"  So  you  did.  By  the  way,  my  careful  little  wife, 
you  just  remind  me  that  I  need  that  money, — 
two  hundred  and  fifty,  wasn't  it  ?  —  I  gave  to  you 
to  keep  for  me  a  week  ago  yesterday.  I'm  glad  I 
thought  of  it :  I've  promised  to  pay  a  bill." 

"  I'll  get  it  for  you,"  she  said,  running  out  of  the 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  153 

room.  I  sat  down,  and  began  whistling  content 
edly.  Five,  ten  minutes  passed.  The  whistle 
stopped  of  itself :  my  hat  fell  lower  and  lower.  I 
think  I  must  have  been  asleep ;  for  I  was  swim 
ming  so  violently  when  I  came  to  myself,  that  I 
had  unconsciously  broken  a  hole  in  the  window- 
glass,  and  cut  my  hand. 

"  Charlie  !  "  called  a  trembling  voice.  I  went  to 
the  door.  There,  at  the  head  of  the  stairs,  stood 
Lissa,  a  picture  of  distress. 

"  Well,  what's  the  matter  now  ? " 

"I  can't  find  it." 

"  Can't  find  what  ? "  said  I,  nursing  my  cut  hand. 

"  That  money.  I've  been  hunting  almost  an 
hour:  it's  certainly  stolen." 

"  But  who  would  steal  it  ? "  I  asked,  as  the  hall- 
clock  confirmed  the  truth  of  her  statement.  I  had 
been  due  at  my  office  for  the  last  thirty  minutes. 

"  I  don't  know.  I  put  it  in  my  toilet-box,  and 
locked  it  up;  but  it's  not  there,  or  anywhere." 

I  hastened  up  stairs.  She  had  evidently  been 
looking.  Every  drawer  in  her  bureau  was  on  the 
floor.  She  certainly  must  have  resorted  to  ex 
tremes.  Bags,  books,  vases,  baskets,  dresses  with 
the  pockets  dragged  out,  trunks,  boxes,  —  I  could 
hardly  find  room  for  a  standing-place.  • 


154  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

"  There !  you  see  I  have  searched  every  thing 
that  could  be  searched.  Jo  has  been  helping  me  ; 
and  it's  gone.  Of  course  it  hasn't  gone  without 
hands." 

"  But,  my  dear,  whom  do  you  suspect  ?  Conrad 
has  money  enough ;  so  has  Jo,  and  poor  old 
Tiddy." 

"  But,  Charlie,  you  forget  the  new  girl  and  the 
French  maid." 

"  True,  I  did  forget  them  both.  What  shall  we 
do  about  it  ? " 

"  I  don't  know." 

"Two  hundred  and  fifty  dollars  don't  grow  on 
every  bush  ;  and  my  expenses  have  been  enormous 
lately.  Are  you  sure  you  put  it  there  ?  " 

"  Oh,  so  very  sure !  I  remember  the  very  day, 
the  hour,  the  minute  almost,  and  that  I  dropped 
your  cameo  ring  in  at  the  same  time." 

"  Did  the  nurse  ever  have  your  keys  ? " 

"  She  might  have  had  them." 

"  Ah !  you  leave  them  lying  about  sometimes." 

"  Once  in  a  very  great  while,"  with  considerable 
emphasis. 

"  We  must  go  after  the  girl.  Where  is  she 
now?"  Lissa  found  the  card  of  her  new  place, 
tflurmuring  as  she  produced  it,  — 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  155 

"  Now  you  think  me  careless  ;  and  I  do  try  so 
hard  not  to  be  careless  !  " 

"  I  don't  think  you  are  ever  careless,  Lissa,"  I 
made  answer,  "only  when  you  lose  things  ;"  and 
I  suppose  my  smile  was  very  grim,  for  she  drew 
back  as  well  as  she  could  for  the  confusion.  I  had 
lost  more  than  an  hour  of  valuable  time  (oh,  that 
wife  of  mine!),  I  had  lost  two  hundred  and  fifty 
dollars,  I  had  lost  my  credit  with  the  gentleman 
who  promised  to  meet  me  half  an  hour  before,  — 
I  had  lost  every  thing  but  my  temper,  and  once 
or  twice  that  threatened  to  fail  me. 

The  French  nurse  fortunately  was  not  called 
upon  that  day,  my  business  cares  preventing.  I 
decided  to  see  to  the  matter  on  the  following  day, 
and  returned  home  thoroughly  wearied  out. 

The  first  person  I  met  was  my  wife.  Delight 
and  chagrin  seemed  equally  mingled  in  her  face,  as 
she  made  her  usual  exclamation,  — 

"  O  Charlie  !  " 

"  Well,  what  now  ? " 

"  I've  found  it." 

"What!  the  money?" 

"  Yes." 

"  In  the  name  of  the  treasury  of  the  United 


156  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

States,  where  ?  I  thought  you  looked  the  house 
through." 

"  So  did  I ;  but  a  few  minutes  ago,  Jo  was  fixing 
up  poor  baby's  little  crib,  and  there,  under  the  mat 
tress,  she  found  the  pocket-book." 

"  And  pray  who  put  it  there  ?  " 

"  Why,  I  did." 

"  You  did !  I  thought  you  remembered  dis 
tinctly  putting  it  in  the  toilet-box." 

"Yes,  and  that  was  true.  But  the  day  of  the 
baby's  funeral,  I  thought  the  house  was  more  open 
to  strangers ;  and  so  I  took  it  out  of  the  box,  and 
hid  it  in  the  crib.  I  hope  you  didn't  go  to  see  that 
poor  girl." 

"  What  was  to  hinder  ?  But  I  didn't,"  I  replied, 
glad  enough  to  feel  the  greenbacks.  "  And  really 
you  should  be  praised  for  your  care  of  the  money, 
after  all,  eh  ? " 

"  I  wish  I  wasn't  so  short  memory,"  she  said 
regretfully. 

"  Well,  well,  in  view  of  your  many  other  excel 
lent  qualities,  we'll  forgive  the  memory  this  time." 
And  we  all  went  down  to  tea. 

During  that  meal  we  discussed  the  nursery  fur 
niture.  Should  we  sell  it  ?  or  lend  it,  as  Lissa 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  157 

suggested,  to  some  one  of  the  poor  families  she 
knew  ? 

"  It's  quite  too  handsome  for  that,"  said  Jo. 

"  As  I  was  the  means  of  its  introduction,  I  don't 
know  but  I  ought  to  take  it  off  your  hands,"  said 
Conrad  laughingly. 

Tiddy  settled  the  question.  She  had  been 
standing  in  the  background,  silent  and  absorbed, 
her  black  arms  folded  across  her  ample  chest. 

"  What's  the  'lessor  want  o'  dem  ar  tings  ?  "  she 
queried.  "  De  stars  and  de  stones  is  all  he  kin 
take  car  of.  —  Don't  you  sell  em,  chile,"  addressing 
Lissa.  "  Wha's  de  use  o'  selh'n'  sich  things  ?  Dey 
allers  comes  handy." 

Nevertheless,  if  the  things  were  not  sold,  I  fear 
some  of  them  found  their  way  to  certain  quarters 
known  only  to  Jo  and  my  wife;  for  I  distinctly 
overheard  the  latter  say,  — 

"  Yes,  I  know  it's  pretty  and  costly ;  but,  if  they 
are  poor  people,  they  have  eyes  to  see  and  hearts 
to  appreciate.  It  will  be  like  a  bit  of  perpetual 
sunshine  in  their  midst." 

And  so  somebody  was  made  happier. 


158  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 


Chapter  Nineteen. 

SOMETIMES  went  up  into  Conrad's  den 
to  have  a  chat  with  him.  The  room,  being 
situated  at  the  top  of  the  house,  was 
bright  with  its  four  windows,  which  gave  views  of 
some  pretty  country  over  the  river.  These  were 
very  enjoyable  after  a  daily  diet  of  brick  and  mor 
tar. 

There  is  something  in  the  aspect  of  far-stretch 
ing  hills,  undulating  through  all  the  choicest  shades 
of  woodland  colors,  running  carelessly  out  in  little 
green  points  of  land,  through  the  river,  showing 
here  and  there  the  fresh  reds  and  yellows  of  the 
outcropping  earth  ;  the  sinuous  line  that  curls 
against  the  gray  or  blue  of  the  horizon  in  rippling 
tree-tops,  as  far  as  the  eye  can  reach  ;  the  hush 
and  beauty  of  distance,  the  changing  sun-tides  and 
cloud  shadows,  the  whole  combination  of  skies, 
woods,  and  water,  —  that  lifts  me  out  of  my  ordinary 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  159 

self,  soothes,  invigorates,  and  inspires  me,  and  from 
which  I  retreat  with  an  exultation  of  spirit  that 
gives  me  kinship  to  the  immortals. 

Conrad  himself  has  a  wonderful  talent  for  group 
ing  things.  There  is  his  desk  on  the  right,  just 
where  the  window  in  the  south  throws  a  perfect 
light.  -The  desk  is  framed  in  by  books,  and,  save 
a  few  papers  upon  its  leaf,  is  in  spotless  order. 
Across  the  room,  in  quite  as  favorable  a  light, 
stand  the  music-rack,  flute,  guitar,  and  musical 
library,  a  choice  selection  of  authors  of  the  Old 
World,  the  German  and  Italian  masters.  In  still 
another  place  is  his  flower-stand  on  which  are  pots 
of  the  choicest  blooms  ;  for  Conrad  has  a  special 
genius  for  cultivating  house-plants,  and  it  is  seldom 
that  we  do  not  have  'exotics  on  our  table  the  year 
round.  Add  to  these  things,  his  microscopical 
apparatus,  an  astronomical  globe,  a  table  or  two 
rilled  with  papers  and  periodicals,  and  you  have  a 
tolerable  idea  of  the  professor's  surroundings. 

"  The  faculty  are  anxious  to  publish  my  last 
two  lectures  on  the  origin  of  the  Gulf  Stream," 
said  Conrad,  as  I  sat  feasting  my  eyes  on  the  glow 
ing  landscape  beyond. 

"  Have  you  convinced  them  of  the  correctness 
of  your  theory  ? " 


160  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

"  By  no  means,"  he  said  quickly.  "  The  dean 
ridicules  it  to  my  face ;  and  the  rest  pronounce  it 
curious  asd  ingenious,  though  they  all  cling  to  the 
old  lunar  theory." 

"  I  dare  say  Miss  Nellie's  enthusiasm  makes  up 
for  her  father's  unbelief,"  I  said. 

He  looked  at  me  with  a  smile  that  haloed  all 
his  face,  —  that  clear,  courtly,  old  Germanic  type  of 
face,  that  approaches  so  near  the  ideally  classic, 
and  in  which  I  saw  the  yet  finer  lineaments  of  my 
Lissa.  The  smile  said  perhaps  more  than  he 
meant  it  should.  I  had  oftener  than  once  met  two 
figures  gliding  quietly,  over  the  college  grounds, 
and  surmised  that  Miss  Nellie  had  stolen  out  to 
meet  our  Conrad  by  previous  agreement.  And 
why,  as  Lissa  said  with  head  well  lifted,  should  the 
dean  look  down  on  our  brother,  gifted,  successful, 
and  able  to  support  a  wife  in  comfort  and  even 
affluence  ?  What  blame  if,  loving  each  other,  rich 
in  life,  rich  in  talents,  rich  in  youth  and  hope,  they, 
being  without  reason  kept  asunder,  sought  occa 
sions  for  meeting  thus  by  stealth  ?  They  were 
pleasant  grounds  to  walk  in,  and  there  were  many 
other  delightful  promenades  in  the  vicinity  ;  ar.d 
there  were  nights  of  clear  moons  and  the  while 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  l6l 

splendor  of  starlight.  They  violated  no  commands, 
for  nothing  had  as  yet  been  said  between  the  dean 
and  his  daughter.  In  each  heart  the  sweet  flowers 
of  love  had  opened;  no  withering  breath  had  come 
over  them  yet ;  they  were  full  of  the  dew  of  hope. 

Just  before  the  tea-bell  rang,  I  strolled  across  to 
Conrad's  desk. 

"  Aha !  Lissa  has  been  here." 

"  How  !  "  cried  Conrad  confusedly: 

"I  say  this  is.Lissa's  handwriting;  and  this  is 
her  pen  ;  and  here  is  her  inkstand.  The  proof  is 
complete." 

Conrad  quietly  covered  the  evidences  with  his 
newspaper. 

"  Of  course  Lissa  comes  here.  Do  you  think  I 
can  give  her  up  altogether  ?  Ah  !  to  make  a  man 
thoroughly  selfish,  get  him  married."  . 

"  Has  Lissa  been  copying  for  you  ?  " 

"  She  does  copy  for  me,"  he  replied. 

"  But,  my  dear  fellow,  my  eyes  are  quick  :  they 
are  editorial  eyes,  therefore  Argus  eyes.  What  I 
saw  was  poetry :  now,  you  do  not  write  poetry." 

"  How  do  you  know  ?  " 

I  looked  at  him  with  a  broad  smile :  he  looked 
at  me  with  an  equally  broad  smile. 


162  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

"  Now  I  see,"  I  said.  "  I  have  a  new  correspond 
ent.  He,  she,  or  it  very  timidly  ventures  to  send 
me  a  few  poetical  lines.  The  lines  are  read  ;  I 
find  them  more  than  commonly  good  ;  I  publish 
them,  and  wonder  who  the  author  is  ;  she  must 
be  very  young,  but  her  thoughts  are  delicately 
matured.  I  say  as  much  in  the  paper.  Now  and 
then,  on  my  coming  home,  I  find  Lissa  abstracted, 
absent-minded,  serious  ;  then  I  discover  small  stains 
of  ink  on  her  fingers  ;  then,  by  the  merest  chance, 
I  see  poems  upon  your  table.  Aha  !  and  you  have 
been  aiding  and  abetting  my  small  wife  !  "  I  shook 
my  finger  at  him. 

"  Only  to  the  extent  of  helping  in  the  translation 
into  English,  for  you  must  know  these  little  things 
were  written  before  Lissa  ever  saw  you." 

"  Is  that  possible  ?  "  I  exclaimed,  astonished. 
"  And  she  never  so  much  as  breathed  to  me  that 
she  could  write  a  line." 

"  The  child  wrote  them  because  they  sang  in  her 
head,  she  said  at  the  time,"  continued  Conrad ; 
"  and  I  confess  I  was  rather  hard  upon  her.  I  told 
her  she  had  copied  this  or  that  poet  of  our  German 
land,  when  it  was  evident  she  had  never  read  them  ; 
for,  strange  to  say,  it  is  difficult  for  her  to  read 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  163 

poetry.  Then  I  told  her  they  had  best  be  put 
away,  and  not  thought  about  for  a  long  time  to 
come,  but  by  and  by  looked  over,  re-written,  and 
polished.  She  always  did  as  I  told  her ;  and  con 
sequently  the  little  verses  have  not  seen  the  light 
till  now,  for  soon  after  that  you  came,  and,  I  sus 
pect,  put  all  thought  of  poetry  out  of  her  mind." 

"  Had  I  better  tell  her  I  know  ? " 

"  I  think  not :  let  her  surprise  you  in  her  own 
way ;  she  has  set  her  heart  upon  it." 

"  At  all  events,  I  must  go  and  give  her  a  kiss, 
for  it  will  be  a  horrible  self-denial  to  keep  silence," 
I  said,  and  forthwith  hurried  down  stairs  to  Lissa's 
room.  For  the  first  time  in  my  life  I  found  it 
locked. 

"  Who's  there  ? "  called  my  wife. 

"  I,  —  plenipotentiary  from  the  court  of  love,  and 
chief  arbiter  of  your  affections,  —  your  husband,"  I 
answered. 

"  Wait  a  minute,"  she  called  back ;  and,  after 
waiting  five,  I  was  graciously  permitted  to  open 
the  door  of  my  own  room.  I  took  her  by  both 
hands,  and  looked  at  her.  Her  floss-like  hair  had 
gathered  in  all  manner  of  waves  and  curls  around 
her  forehead  and  temples ;  her  cheeks  were  flushed, 
her  breath  was  short. 


164  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

"  What  guilty  thing  have  you  been  doing  now  ? >v 
I  asked. 

She  laughed  merrily. 

"  I  was  only  putting  away  things." 

"  And  what  do  you  mean  by  putting  away  things  ? " 
I  asked. 

"  Why,  to  make  the  room  look  nice,  of  course ; 
they  were  scattered  about  ;  and,  if  you  please,  I 
won't  have  any  questions  asked.  For  shame  of 
you,  to  want  to  pry  into  secrets  !  " 

"  So  there  is  a  mystery !  You  are  a  second  Ca 
lypso  for  secrecy  and  silence ;  but,  I  warn  you,  I 
will  find  it  out." 

"  Of  course  you  will,  in  time  ; "  and  just  then  the 
bell  rang  for  tea, 

I  did  find  it  out  in  time. 

One  day  my  wife  came  in  with  a  great  package 
that  reached  to  her  chin. 

"  They  have  just  come  home,"  she  said,  "  and  I 
had  on  my  bonnet  to  go  over  to  Mrss  Walters  with 
a  book  I  promised  her." 

"  And  in  that  book  there  is  a  note,"  said  I. 

"That  is  nothing  I  shall  tell  you ;  but  you  don't 
ask  what  is  this  ?  I  never  saw  a  man  of  so  little 
curiosity  in  all  my  life  ;  you  don't  even  take  it  out 
of  my  hands."  . 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  .      165 

"  I  hasten  to  apologize ,  and  pray  tell  me  what 
it  is." 

I  unpinned  the  paper.     Lissa's  eyes  glistened. 

"All  of  my  own  doing  :  every  stitch  I  sewed  !  " 
she  cried  triumphantly.  "  I  said  you  should  wear 
some  shirts  made  by  my  hands  ;  and  there  they 
are,  just  come  from  the  laundry.  Don't  they  are 
beautiful?"  she  asked  in  her  pretty  broken  Eng 
lish. 

"  A  set  of  shirts,  and  you  made  them  ?  Why,  I 
shall  be  as  proud  as  Pharaoh  if  my  wife  keeps  on 
enlightening  me  with  regard  to  her  accomplish 
ments.  But,  above  all,  I  dote  on  nice  shirts." 

"  I  know  it ;  and  because  you  are  so  very  partic 
ular,  I  took  a  good  shirt  all  in  pieces,  and  cut  out 
every  thing,  even  to  the  smallest  small  bit.^Oh, 
what  work  it  is!  I  wouldn't  even  let  Jo  help  me. 
It  took  me  days  and  days,  for  I  measured  to  the 
very  breadth  of  a  hair." 

"  Many  thanks,  my  darling.  You  are  so  kind  to 
take  such  pains  for  your  careless  old  husband,"  I 
said.  "  I  shall  prize  them  more  than  gold." 

"  And  I  .am  sure  they  will  fit,  oh,  beautiful !  Try 
them  on,  and  let  me  know  when  I  come  home.  I 
am  going  to  stay  with  Nellie  till  dinner-time. 
Good-morning,"  and  with  a  kiss  she  left  me. 


l66  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

To  say  I  was  delighted  with  Lissa's  gift  would 
be  but  a  tame  description  of  my  feelings.  I  was 
touched  at  the  thought  of  her  painstaking,  her 
care  in  hiding  from  me  the  task  of  love  that  had 
probably  extended  over  weeks  of  toilsome  sewing ; 
for,  as  I  afterwards  found,  she  had  not  used  the 
sewing-machine,  but  put  in  every  stitch  with  her 
own  fingers.  I  took  pains  to  examine  the  work. 
It  was  most  delicately  done :  every  thread  shone 
under  the  polish  of  the  laundry  iron  in  minutest 
stitches.  How  proud  I  should  be  to  wear  them ! 
They  would  seem  like  shirts  of  mail,  protecting 
me  from  every  danger  that  might  threaten  my 
peace. 

It  was  a  leisure  day.  The  paper  was  out,  and 
nothing  imperative  called  me  to  the  office.  I  was 
curious  to  see  how  my  present  would  fit,  and 
accordingly  took  advantage  of  the  opportunity 
I  tried  my  best  to  get  into  the  first  one :  I  did 
get  into  it  after  some  little  difficulty,  but  that 
was  all.  Something  held  my  arms  out  at  right 
angles.  I  think  it  must  have  been  the  armholes, 
for  they  caught  my  shoulders  like  a  vise,  and  kept 
them  stationary.  In  vain  I  tried  to  clutch  at  the 
collar,  Wriggled  this  way  and  that,  panted,  per- 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  167 

spired.  Oh  that  they  would  fit  me,  for  Lissa's 
sake !  I  tried  on  the  next.  The  shoulders  were 
loose  enough,  but  the  bosom  would  not  meet 
within  an  inch  from  top  to  bottom :  there  was 
clearly  no  help  for  that  defect.  The  third  one 
choked  me  so  that  I  should  have  been  black  in  the 
face  in  five  minutes.  The  fourth  was  a  combina 
tion  of  all  the  defects  of  the  three  preceding,  and 
gave  me  the  look  of  a  chicken  just  bursting  out 
of  its  shell.  The  other  two  were  duplicates  of  the 
first  and  second. 

The  beautiful  shirts  !  Lissa's  gift.  I  laid  them 
all  aside  with  a  gesture  of  despair.  I  was  ut 
terly  disappointed  and  miserable,  for  there  was  no 
remedy ;  and  how  could  I  tell  that  poor,  exultant 
little  soul  that  every  shirt  was  a  misfit  ?  Some 
men  might  have  done  it.  I  called  to  mind  a  fact 
in  which  the  husband,  not  meaning  to  be  unkind, 
remarked,  when  a  similar  gift  was  made  with  equal 
love  and  labor,  — 

"  They  arc  very  nice,  but  you  ought  to  see  the 
shirts  my  mother  'makes  !  " 

I  thought  rapidly  under  the  spur  of  my  love  for 
Lissa.  What  should  I  do  ?  To  wear  them  was 
out  of  the  question  ;  t«  have  them  altered,  equally 


l68  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

impracticable.  I  took  the  precious  bundle  finally, 
after  I  had  decided  what  should  be  their  destina 
tion,  and  hid  it  away  in  a  box  up  stairs,  almost  as 
guiltily  as  if  I  were  burying  something  human. 
Lissa  rarely  went  among  the  old  things  up  stairs, 
so  I  was  safe.  Then  I  hurried  down  to  a  certain 
store  where  my  shirts  were  usually  made,  and  left 
my  order  for  a  set  of  shirts  to  be  sewed  by  hand 
in  the  best  style  of  needle-work,  to  be  finished  by 
a  certain  time,  and  left  at  my  office.  Finally  I 
intended  to  smuggle  them  home  in  a  way  that 
should  not  attract  Lissa's  notice. 

I  took  .good  care  to  avoid  a  tete-ct-t$te  with  Lissa 
until  after  tea. 

"  Well,"  she  said,  with  a  beaming  face,  as  I  shel 
tered  myself  behind  the  evening  paper,  "  and  how 
did  the  shirts  fit?" 

"You  ought  to  have  seen  them,"  I  exclaimed, 
with  an  eloquent  countenance. 

"  I  knew  they  would  please  you." 

"  Please  me  !  I  am  enchanted." 

"  I  was  a  little  afraid,  you  know,  because  Jo  said 
they  ought  to  be  shrinked." 

I  looked  at  her  helplessly. 

"  Shrinked   in   the   cloth,  —  you   know   what   I 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  169 

mean,  washed  or  wet  before  made".  I  forgot 
that." 

"  Ah  !'"  said  I  thoughtlessly,  "  that  lets  the  secret 
out ; "  and  then  I  bit  my  lip.  I  could  have  bitten 
it  .through. 

"  What  secret  ?  —  lets  what  secret  out  ? "  she 
asked  rapidly. 

"  Why,  that  they  felt  so  dry  and  — and  stiff,  you 
know, —  in  fact,  just  as  new  shirts  always  feel." 

"  But  they  did  fit  well  ? "  she  queried  anxiously. 

"They  fit  like  —  every  thing!"  I  said  with  un 
wonted  enthusiasm.  "  Do  you  know,"  I  added 
glibly,  "  I  thought  so  much  of  those  shirts,  that  I 
laid  them  away  as  if  they  had  been  the  greatest 
treasure  in  life,  for  fear  I  should  put  one  of  them 
on." 

"  For  fear  ? "  she  ejaculated  with  a  puzzled  look. 

"  For  this  reason,"  I  went  on  as  hastily  as  possi 
ble.  "  Those  are  uncommonly  beautiful  shirts  :  they 
ought  to  be ;  they  were  made  by  an  uncommonly 
beautiful  woman.  Now,  those  shirts  are  only  fit  to 
be  donned  on  festivals,  —  great  occasions,  you 
know ;  and  not  one  of  them  is  to  be  worn  before 
the  28th  of  September,  which  you  will  please  bear 
in  mind  is  my  birthday.  What  do  you  think  of  that, 
Iitt4e  woman  ? '' 


170  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

"  I  should  like  at  least  to  see  one  of  them  on. 
There  might  be  something  to  be  done." 

"  Not  a  thing  can  be  done,  —  not  a  thing  to  im 
prove  them  ; "  and  I  covered  a  convulsive  laugh 
with  an  outrageous  fit  of  impromptu  coughing, 
which  almost  strangled  me,  and  for  which  I  left  the 
room  to  find  a  remedy.  But,  once  alone  by  myself, 
I  laughed  till  I  cried,  as  I  thought  of  my  image  in 
the  looking-glass,  and  the  rueful  figure  I  cut  in  the 
beautiful  new  shirts. 


THAT    WIFE     OF    MINE.  171 


'HE  ruse  succeeded  to  perfection.  The  new 
shirts  were  models  of  fineness  and  beauty. 
Lissa  was  radiant. 

"  It  is  the  first  I  ever  did  !  "  she  repeated  again 
again,  and  called  all  the  household  to  look  at  them. 
Of  course  I  alone  was  in  the  secret ;  and  a  secret 
it  should  be,  I  had  determined,  to  the  end  of  my 
life.  At  first  my  conscience  was  as  easy  as  the 
fit  of  the  shirts.  Lissa  came  up  to  me,  then  went 
back,  then  came  up  again. 

"  Well,  dear,  what  is  it  ? "  I  asked,  not  without 
some  misgivings. 

"  I  was  thinking.  Did  I  make  two  rows  of 
stitching  round  the  collar  ?  I  must  have,  to  be 
sure  ;  but  still,,  did  I  ?  I  don't  remember." 

Another  day  she  examined  the  collar.  "  How 
can  they  have  changed  ? "  she  murmured. 

"  Lissa,  you  are  nervous  over  these  shirts,  my 


172  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

dear,"  I  said.  "  Please  let  tpe  enjoy  them,  and 
don't  worry." 

I  would  have  you  know  I  was  now  to  deal  with 
the  fine  perceptions  of  a  woman  who  wanted  to  be 
convinced,  yet  not  against  her  will. 

"  But  the  collars  are  not  rounding  ;  arid  I  made 
the  collars  rounding." 

"  They  probably  ironed  them  out,"  I  said.  "  Be 
sides,  all  my  other  shirts  are  just  like  this.-' 

"  Yes,  I  know :  and  I  didn't  like  it  ;  so  I  changed 
the  collars  just  the  least  bit  little." 

"  You  did  !  "  I  said,  aghast. 

"  Yes,  I  did.  I  don't  see  how  they  could  have 
ironed  out ;  but  maybe  they  pulled  them." 

"  Yes,  maybe  they  did.  —  Lord  forgive  me  !  "  I 
thought  to  myself. 

I  came  home  one  day,  and  found  her  poring  over 
the  shirts,  and  looking  wonderfully  perplexed. 

"  At  those  shirts  again ! "  I  cried,  thinking  of 
Nemesis. 

"  They  do  act  so  strange,  these  shirts !  they 
must  be  witch-work.  I  have  been  looking  for  a 
little  mark  I  made.  I'm  sure  I  made  it  in  every 
one  of  them.  Jo  hunted  too :  she  told  me  how  to 
make  the  mark." 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  173 

"  Haven't  they  washed  out  ? "  I  faltered,  with  a 
cowardly  smile. 

"  They  could  not  wash  out,"  she  said  with  de 
cision. 

"  Well,  then,  if  they  could  not,  they  did  not,  of 
course,"  was  my  response. 

She  put  them  aside,  with  a  worried  air. 

"I^iave  just  found  out  something,"  she  said,  on 
another  occasion. 

"  Well,  what  is  it,  my  wise  woman  ? " 

"  I  never  made  those  shirts,  I  don't  believe,"  she 
replied,  with  deliberation  and  emphasis. 

"Who  did,  then?"  I  asked. 

She  shook  her  head. 

"Could  they  have  been  changed  at  the  laun 
dry  ? " 

Should  I  be  tormented  into  making  a  clean 
breast  of  it  ?'  How  far  could  I  white-lie  it  over, 
and  preserve  my  own  self-respect  ? 

It  was  only  an  hour  or  so  after  that,  when  that 
persistent  wife  of  mine  returned  to  the  subject. 

"  O  Charlie  !  what  do  you  think  ? " 

"  Well,  about  what  particular  matter  ?  "  I  asked. 

"Jo  and  I  have  just  found  out  that  I  cut  thost 
shirts  out  by  one  of  Conrad's,  after  all" 


174  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

"No  !"  I  said,  springing  to  my  feet. 

"Yes,  I  did.  His  initials  are  very  much  like 
yours  ;  and  the  old  English  R  looks  like  an  H, 
especially  as  it  is  faded.  It  must  have  got  among 
your  shirts  by  mistake  ;  and  being  a  little  more 
worn  than  the  others,  I  chose  it  to  cut  by." 

"As  Tiddy  says,  bless  de  good  Lord,  then,"  I 
ejaculated  fervently.  "  My  conscience  has  been 
dancing  about  pretty  lively  during  the  last*  forty- 
eight  hours. 


and  error  there's  this  difference  known  : 
Error  is  fruitful  :  truth  is  only  one? 

I  am  a  new  man  from  this  moment.     The  shirts 
are  Conrad's." 

"  But,  my  dear  Charlie,  if  they  fit  you,  they  can't 
fit  him.  Impossible." 

"  Wait,  my  dear  wife  :  you  shall  a  wonder  see. 
The  shirts  you  made  were  never  worn  by  me. 
Harman's  Comedy  of  Errors,  canto  nine,  stanza 
four." 

I  ran  up  stairs,  unearthed  the  precious  bundle, 
and  brought  it  back  untouched.   , 

"  I  did  it  all  for  the  love  of  you,"  I  said,  as, 
placing  it  before  her  astonished  eyes,  I  also  threw 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  175 

the  burden  from  my  spirit,  and  felt  free  once 
more.  "  They  didn't  fit,  my  dear.  I  couldn't  make 
them  fit.  I  knew  you  had  worked  so  hard,  and  I 
pitied  you  so !  Forthwith  I  studied  how  to  be  an 
honorable  deceiver  ;  but  it  wouldn't  do.  I  did  my 
best,  however,  to  keep  you  from  the  knowledge  of 
the  disappointment.  There  you  have  the  truth  in 
a  nutshell ;  and  here  you  have  the  shirts.  Take 
them,  give  them  to  Conrad  with  my  blessing :  you 
have  my  hearty  consent.  I  know  they  will  fit 
him :  they  gave  me  several  fits.  Call  him  down. 
I'll  do  the  honors." 

Lissa  had  heard  with  her  head  lifted,  after  her 
own  peculiar*  fashion. 

"  And  you  think  it  was  better  to  do  that  ?  she 
asked. 

"  No :  I  think  it  was.  a  coward's  trick,"  I  said. 

"  You  shall  not.  I  say  it  was  good  and  noble 
and  kind,  and  there's  only  one  man  in  the  world 
would  so  have  done.  Never  a  German  man  would 
have  done  that,  and  no  one  who  did  not  love  me. 
O  Charlie  ! "  and  you  can  guess  where  her  head  was 
by  this  time,  and  how  foolish  I  felt  at  her  praise, 
for  I  had  been  condemning  myself  heartily.  Then 
she  raised  her  cheerful  face  from  my  shoulder. 


176  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

"  Come  down  stairs ;  I  have  a  little  feast,"  she 
said.  I  followed  her  down.  In  a  few  moments 
she  had  spread  the  table  with  a  white  cloth,  placed 
upon  it  fruit,  cake,  and  jellies,  and,  knowing  my 
inordinate  fondness  for  it,  a  Charlotte  Russe. 

"  Now  ring  for  the  rest,"  she  cried  ;  "  ring  loud  !  " 
I  followed  her  instructions,  and  presently  in  came 
Jo,  Conrad,  and  Miss  Nellie  Walters.  This  was  a 
pleasant  surprise.  There  was  nobody  to  make 
tea,  for  it  wa's  Tiddy's  evening  for  church  ;  so  I 
built  up  a  fire,  and  Lissa  concocted  the  pleasant 
beverage.  The  fruit  was  delicious,  Conrad  never 
more  brilliant,  and  Nellie  and  Lissa,  wreathed  in 
smiles,  looked  as  if  they  were  sharing  a  secret 
between  them.  Even  Jo  seemed  to  forget  herself, 
and  sang  a  little  song  with  which  she  used  to 
amuse  me  when  she  was  a  child  :  — 

"  Oh  !  where  has  the  mouse  gone  ? 

Tibby  di ! 
Oh  !  where  has  the  mouse  gone  ? 

Tibby  di ! 

I'll  tell  you  what  the  old  cat  said, 
As  she  put  her  paw  up  to  her  head,  — 
'  The  mouse  has  gone  for  cheese  and  bread  : 
So  will  I.' 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  177 

"  Oh  !  where  has  the  cat  gone  ? 

Tibby  di ! 
Oh  !  where  has  the  cat  gone  ? 

Tibby  di ! 

'  The  cat  has  gone  for  the  mouse,'  I  said  ; 
'  And  the  mouse  has  gone  for  cheese  and  bread, 
And  both  will  be  right  nobly  fed  ; 

Tibby  di. ' " 

I  wish  I  could  give  you  the  melody  of  this  silly 
little  thing ;  and  as  to  Jo's  rendition  of  it,  it  was 
simply  inimitable.  The  professor  looked  at  her  in 
astonishment,  and  we  all  roared  with  laughter. 
Then  Conrad,  in  the  spirit  of  mimicry,  took  off  the 
faculty,  all  but  the  dean,  yet  in  so  happy  a  manner, 
that  Nellie,  laughing,  begged  him  not  to  omit  her 
father. 

"  Then,"  said  Conrad,  "  I  will  simply  say,  "  Mr. 
Raab,  your  position  is  untenable !  Mr.  Raab, 
I  am  sorry,  but  I  cannot  agree  with  you ! ' ' 
And  he  brought  his  right  forefinger  into  the  palm 
of  his  left  hand,  and,  slender  as  he  was,  looked 
the  stout  dean  so  ponderously,  with  his  sideway, 
knowing  glance,  and  his  habitual  frown,  that  Nellie 
declared  she  had  never  seen  any  thing  so  perfect. 
Presently  we  set  Jo  t®  cracking  almonds,  and  Con- 


178  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

rad  got  close  to  Nellie,  and  Lissa  and  I  pretended 
to  talk  while  we  watched  them;  and  just  then,  all 
in  a  halo  of  holy  rapture,  in  came  Tiddy,  her 
bonnet  set  on  a  mountain  of  turban,  an  immense 
green  veil  of  venerable  age  tied  over  that,  and 
brought  down  under  her  chin,  her  great  eyes 
shining. 

"  What  yer  'bout  ? "  was  her  first  question, 
reverence  being  a  missing  faculty  in  her  cranium. 
"  Hard  yer  way  down  de  street,  an'  was  mighty 
'frad  folks  might  tink  it  was  me." 

"  We  were  having  a  good  time,  aunty,"  said 
Lissa. 

"  Pore  souls,  feastin'  and  laffin',"  she  said  com 
passionately  :  "  you  ought  ter  been  whar  I's  ben." 

"  Where  is  that  ? "  I  asked. 

"  Down  to  old  Zion  ; ''  and  I  transcribe  her  lan 
guage  word  for  word,  trusting  that  the  reader  will 
not  think  me  irreverent  for  writing,  or  her  for  ren 
dering  it.  A  more  faithful,  truthful,  pious  old  soul, 
or  one  with  a  better  memory,  never  lived,  than  our 
Tiddy. 

"  And  we  had  a  blessed  minister  all  de  way  from 
New  York,"  she  went  on. 

"  Was  he  a  white  man  ? " 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  179 

"  No,  bless  ye'  soul :  he  was  brack,  brack  as  I  are, 
umph,  umph  !  He  marched  up  dat  pulpit  star,  an' 
he  opens  de  Bible  squar  in  de  middle.  I  sees  him, 
squar  in  de  middle,  in  de  Rebelation." 

"But,  Tiddy,"  said  I,  "the  Revelation  is  the 
last  book  in  the  Bible." 

"Wha'  d'ye  mean  by  books  in  de  Bible?  De 
Bible's  ony  one  book ;  an'  don't  yer  spoze  he  knowed 
whar  de  Rebelation  was,  an'  he  all  de  way  from 
New  York  ? " 

"  All  right,  Tiddy,"  said  I :  "go  on." 

"  Well,  he  leanded  right  ober  onto  de  Bible,  an' 
he  stared  way  roun',  an'  up  to  de  ruff,  and  den  he 
said,  — 

" '  Breddren,  I  reads  from  dis  yer  word  ob  de 
livin*  Lord,  an'  dat  ar  word  is,  — 

" '  De  red  horse  !  De  red  horse  !  De  red 
horse ! ' 

"  An'  den  de  look  wild  enuff  to  frighten  us.  Oh, 
I  know  he  was  full  ob  de  sperit !  I  never  hard  no 
sich  preachin'  afore." 

"  Can't  you  tell  us  the  sermon  ?  "  asked  Lissa. 

"  Yes,  kin  I,  honey,  ebery  word  of  it." 

"  Won't  you  have  some  grapes  first  ?  " 

"  No,  'deed,  mistis,  not  I.  I's  too  filled  wid  de 
honey  ob  de  Lord's  counsel 


180  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

"  Fust  place,"  she  continued,  seating  herself, 
"  he  tole  us  clat  de  debbil  was  once  a  great  kark 
angel  in  hebben." 

"  A  what  ?  "  cried  Lissa. 

"  Why,  a  kark  angel,  don't  you  understan'  ?  You 
white  folks  ought  to  know.  An'  he  said  de  Lord 
went  out  one  day  into  de  garding  ob  paradise.  He 
warn't  gone  but  a  few  minutes,  Miss  Lissy,  'fore 
de  kark  angel,  he  got  up  an'  sot  hisself  down  in  dc 
Lord's  best  seat.  And  den  b>e  say  to  de  odder 
angels,  — 

"  '  Don't  I  look  jes'  as  good  yere  as  de  Lord  do  ? ' 

"  Den  some  ob  de  angels,  dey  larfs.  Some  of 
dem  say,  '  Yis,  da's  so ; '  an'  some,  dey  tarns  away, 
an'  hides  dar  faces,  an'  shakes  dar  heads. 

"  Presently  de  kark  angel  hears  de  Lord  a  comin' 
back ;  an'  he  jumped  up  and  flewed  off,  an'  looked 
mighty  innocent,  umph,  umph  ! 

"  De  Lord  he  went  to  his  char,  an'  jest  as  ha 
was  sittin'  down,  he  turned  round,  an'  ses  he,  wid 
a  tarrible  look  in  his  eye,  — 

" '  Who's  done  gone  an'  set  down  in  dis  yer 
seat  ? ' 

"  Den  de  kark  angel,  he  spoke  up  sassy  like,  an' 
says  he,  — 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  l8l 

" '  'Deed,  Lord,  ain't  nobody  sot  down  in  dat 
yer  cheer.' 

"  Den  de  Lord  say,  — 

" '  S'pose  I  don'  know  ?  S'pose  I  can't  read 
ebery  wicked  thing  in  yo'  black  heart  ?  You  want 
to  turn  me  out  ob  here,  an'  fix  up  de  place  to  suit 
youself.  I'll  hab  nothin'  more  to  do  wid  you,  bad 
kark  angel.  You  sha'n't  stay  in  hebben  an'  c'rapt 
the  odder  chillen.  I'll  make  a  new  kark  angel.' 

"  Den  de  Lord,  he  sot  all  de  good  angels  to  one 
side,  an'  all  de  bad  to  de  other  wid  de  kark  angel 
that  done  sot  down  in  his  cheer.  An'  de  Lord  says 
to  de  kark  angel,  '  Git  out  o'  hebben  wid  you ! 
Dar's  a  lot  o'  brimstone,  an'  dar's  a  lot  ob  fire. 
Go  down  an'  jis  make  yo'  own  hell.  Har's  a  lot 
ob  horns  an'  tails,  an'  pitchforks :  you  kin  sort  'em 
to  suit  yourselfs.  I's  got  notin'  more  to  do  wid 
you  uns.  You's  all  debbils  now.' 

"  Den  de  chief  debbil,  Brelsdebub  dey  calls  him, 
he  brungs  all  his  angels  togedder ;  an'  he  clar  war 
'ginst  de  Lord,  an'  swar  he'd  git  into  hebben  agin 
and  conquer  it. 

"  But  de  Lord,  he  build  a  brick  wall  all  roun'  heb 
ben,  seben  miles  JiigJi ;  an'  when  de  ole  kark  angel 
come  along,  de  Lord  sot  in  his  own  char,  wid  his 


182  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

best,  beautifullest  silver  pipe,  an'  he  didn't  kar  for 
de  debbil  de  least  mite  in  de  world. 

"  Den  de  Lord  sent  out  a  comet-star  to  'stroy 
'em  off  de  face  ob  de  arth,  an'  de  bad  angels  dey  all 
got  scart ;  but  de  ole  kark  angel  said,  — 

"  You's  all  fools.  Don't  ye  s'poze  I's  got  power 
'nough  to  make  de  Lord  tremble  in  his  shoes  ? ' 

"Den  de  debbil  caught  de  comet-star  on  he  long 
tail,  an'  he  shook  it  ober  de  walls  an'  gates  of  heb- 
ben,  an'  de  angels  of  de  Lord  got  frightened  ;  but 
de  Lord,  he  got  on  top  ob  de  wall  of  Zion,  umph  ! 
umph ! " 

I  have  no  other  way  of  describing,  but  by  those 
two  words,  that  internal  chuckle  which  is  not  a 
word,  used  by  negroes  when  under  excitement. 
Tiddy  expressed  herself  by  it  incessantly ;  for 
answer,  for  doubt,  for  incredulity,  interjection,  and 
ejaculation. 

"  Den  de  Lord,  he  let  down  a  chain,  chile',  thou- 
san's  o'  miles  long,  dat  a  nobody  couldn't  hold  but 
him ;  an'  he  caught  dat  raring  taring  kark  angel, 
spite  of  his  boots,  an'  he  lower  him  down,  an'  down, 
and  downer,  into  de  eberlasting  pit ;  an,'  Miss  Lissy, 
he  ain't  got  out  o'  dem  ar  chains  yit,  an'  he  nebber 
will  till  de  angel  Gaberell  blows  de  trompet  ob  de 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  183 

Lord  —  umph,  umph  !  And,  Miss  Lissy,  dat  ar 
preacher  from  New  York,  he  so  full  ob  de  sperit 
ob  de  Lord,  dat  he  keep  runnin'  up  an'  down  de 
pulpit  stars,  an'  almos'  got  on  top  de  Bible.  Dat's 
my  kind  o'  minister,  'cause  he  'splains  dem  Rebela- 
tions  lubbly." 

"  But  what  do  you  mean  by  the  kark  angel, 
Tiddy  ? " 

"  Ain't  you  got  sense  nuff  to  know  dat  ? "  said 
Tiddy,  with  a  wise  look. 

"  She  means  archangel,  dear,"  said  It 

"  Yo'  mus'  study  dem  Rebelations,"  mused  Tid 
dy,  losing  herself  in  her  happy  reflections  ;  while  Jo 
helped  Nellie  on  with  her  wraps,  and,  for  the  first 
time  in  her  life,  kissed  her  solemnly  and  tenderly 
on  the  cheek.  I  think  she  surrendered  Conrad  at 
that  moment  forever,  and  in  her  heart  gave  the 
fair  girl  her  blessing. 


184  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 


Chapter 


|UT  me  up  two  handkerchiefs,  my  dear  : 
you  know  I  always  want  two  when  I  am 
going  to  speak." 
I  said  this  to  Lissa  as  I  was  leaving  home  one 
morning  in  a  hurry.  My  friends  had  been  long 
importunate  for  an  address  in  which  I  might  air 
the  peculiar  views  of  my  party,  and  which  might 
tend  to  further  my  political  interests. 

It  was  something  quite  foreign  to  my  inclination 
to  deliver  speeches.  I  had  the  same  dislike  to 
publicity  of  that  sort  that  I  have  to  a  shower-bath. 
After  the  shock  there  is  a  glow,  it  is  true,  but  the 
shock  is  terrible.  The  beginning  is  the  trial  to  my 
nervous  system,  —  just  after  I  have  said,  "Ladies 
and  gentlemen"  The  blood  flies  to  my  head  ;  my 
finger-tips  grow  cold  ;  I  want  to  swallow,  and  can't  ; 
I  want  to  do  several  things,  and  can't,  —  one  of 
them  is,  to  get  out  of  the  matter  altogether. 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  185 

The  cars  whirled  me  to  the  scene  of  action  ;  an 
indigestible  supper  was  in  waiting  for  me  ;  a  pom 
pous  president,  all  chin  and  spectacles;  a  small 
secretary,  who  smiled  every  time  he  spoke,  and 
spoke  all  the  time ;  a  mild  waiter,  who  spilled  the 
tea  on  my  coat ;  and  several  committee-men,  whose 
duties  seemed  to  consist  in  flying  in  and  out, 
writing  on  bits  of  white  paper,  and  looking  mys 
teriously  at  me  until  I  looked  at  them,  whereupon 
they  became  suddenly  contemplative  concerning 
the  knees  of  their  trousers. 

I,  meantime,  kept  up  a  quaking  sort  of  dignity, 
and  felt  cold  and  hot  by  turns.  My  notes  were  in 
my  waistcoat  pocket,  as  I  ascertained  by  feeling  ; 
my  two  handkerchiefs  rested  serenely  near  my  heart. 
I  have,  perhaps,  a  weakness  for  nice  handkerchiefs, 
linen  of  the  finest  quality ;  ornamentation,  if  there 
is  any,  rich  but  not  conspicuous  ;  size,  extra  large. 
I  love  the  fragrance  of  the  well-laundried  mouchoir, 
the  soft  downfall  of  the  folds  like  unsullied  snow- 
flakes,  the  gathered  purity  in  my  hand  as  I  lift  it 
to  my  heated  '  brow.  Lissa  knows  this,  and,  on 
extra  occasions,  picks  from  my  cherished  hoard 
that  I  keep  sacred  from  common  use,  having 
bought  them  in  Paris,  in  the  year  eighteen  hundred 
and  —  no  matter  when. 


l86  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

Imagine  my  ride  to  the  hall,  my  escort  of  able- 
bodied  men,  all  vieing  to  be  at  the  head ;  my  en 
trance  at  the  side  door  ;  the  grand  outlook  upon  a 
sea  of  heads,  —  bald,  white,  red,  brown,  yellow  ; 
my  solid,  penetrating  expression  as  I  seated  myself, 
anathematizing  my  trembling  knees  furiously,  in 
side  ;  the  preliminary  ceremonies  ;  the  reference  to 
"  our  eloquent  friend  who  is  now  about  to  address 
you."  Imagine  all  this,  I  say  ;  then  the  wild  uproar 
of  clapping  and  stamping,  commenced  by  six  little 
Milesians  on  the  front  bench,  and  kept  up  till  my 
introductory  remarks  nearly  choked  me  for  very 
eagerness  to  get  out  and  be  done  with  it. 

I  commenced  —  I  continued.  When  they  said, 
"  Louder,"  I  smote  the  very  air  with  ear-piercing 
shouts.  The  gas,  and  the  crowd,  and  my  own 
eloquence,  warmed  me  up  ;  my  temples  grew  moist"; 
I  felt  uncomfortable ;  I  felt  also  for  my  handker 
chief,  and  took  it  out  in  its  primitive  folds  as  it 
came  from  the  good  old  black  fingers  of  Tiddy. 

It  was  near  the  climax  of  a  sublime  figure  of 
speech.  I  had  used  up  several  ancient  classics, 
and  was  nearing  my  grandest  peroration,  when  I 
heard  somebody  snicker.  The  word  is  not  elegant, 
but  there  is  no  other  in  all  the  range  of  the  English 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  187 

language  that  so  accurately  describes  the  peculiar 
contortion  of  which  the  sound  is  born. 

Quietly,  gracefully,  like  a  well-bred  man,  I  had 
opened  my  handkerchief  softly,  unostentatiously, 
and  smiled  my  sweetest  smiles,  and  said  my  bright 
est  say  as  I.  unfolded  it. 

It  seemed  to  me  that  the  sound  I  have  before 
mentioned  broadened  and  deepened,  like  a  wave 
that  spreads  as  it  rolls.  Now  here,  now  there  — 
What  I  said  surely  did  not  call  for  laughter : 
why  were  all  eyes  turned  where  I  turned  mine  ? 
Presently  —  Heavens  and  earth  ! 

Hanging  down  nearly  to  my  feet,  whiter  even 
than  the  "  beautiful  snow  "  at  which  so  many  editors 
have  shivered,  was  — 

A  British  nightcap ! 

Have  you  ever  seen  one  ?  No  ?  Then  you  are 
not  called  upon  to  laugh.  Mine  was  as  large  as  a 
good- sized  meal-bag,  gathered  at  one  end  into  a 
voluminous  tassel,  which,  as  I  had  daintily  manoeu 
vred,  came  into  sight  in  the  slowest  and  most  de 
liberate  fashion,  mutely  appealing  to  the  ludicrous 
side  of  the  most  stolid  nature  in  the  whole  crowded 
house. 

It  was  a  relic  of  old  London,  of  the  Strand,  of 


l88  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

the  days  of  Hogarth,  Johnson,  and  other  patented 
celebrities,  and  redolent  of  the  odors  of  "  mine 
inn,"  the  chop-house  and  coffee-rooms,  to  me ;  but 
to  my  audience  !  that  was  quite  another  matter. 

For  a  moment  I  felt  like  one  in  the  grasp  of 
enormous  pincers.  A  buzzing,  prickling  sensation, 
like  the  flight  of  a  thousand  fire-flies,  thrilled  along 
my  veins  ;  anon  I  was  one  icicle. 

"  O  Lissa !  "  I  groaned,  with  my  soul  between 
my  teeth,  "  what  ivill  you  do  next  ?  " 

I  believe  I  smiled  and  smiled,  and  felt  a  villain, 
as  I  gathered  up,  with  sufficient  muscular  energy  to 
have  crushed  an  iron  bar,  that  dreadful  evidence  of 
my  dear  wife's  thoughtful  care  of  her  absent  lord, 
and  put  it  out  of  sight.  I  know  I  looked  an  imbe 
cile  :  I  am  sure  I  felt  a  fury.  Metaphors  and  sim 
iles  and  paradoxes  got  mixed  together :  every 
thing  resolved  itself  into  an  immense  English  night 
cap,  which  seemed  to  hang  threateningly  from  the 
grand  chandelier,  from  the  ceiling,  everywhere. 

Some  way  I  got  through,  —  to  this  hour  I  know 
not  how.  I  was  mixed  generally  for  a  day  or  two 
afterward,  and  didn't  find  myself  thoroughly  and 
rationally  for  a  longer  period. 

And  all  the  comfort  I  received  from  that  wife  of 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  189 

mine,   when  I   told   her,   was  a   hysterical   laugh, 
and  — 

"  Oh,  I  wish  I  could  have  seen  it !     It  must  have 
been  too  funny  for  any  thing." 


190  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 


Chapter 


3JADAM,"  said  our  new  compositor,  with  his 
blandest  smile,  as  Lissa  entered  the  parlor, 
where  Tiddy  had  seated  a  stranger,  "  I 
have,  I  presume,  the  honor  of  addressing  Mrs. 
Harman." 

My  wife,  always  a  little  too  ready  to  meet  trouble 
half  way,  turned  pale  at  this  speech. 

"  I  am  Mrs.  Harman,"  she  said,  somewhat  un 
steadily.  "  I  hope  you  have  not  heapd  any  —  any 
bad  news  from"  —  for  she  saw  a  letter  in  his 
hand. 

"  I  have  a  letter  from  Mr.  Harman  ;  and,  as  I  am 
new  to  the  office,  it  has  taken  me  the  greater  part 
of  the  day  to  translate  it,  as  you  must  be  aware." 

"  Oh,  yes  !  "  exclaimed  my  wife,  her  spirits  rising, 
as  she  cut  short  his  insinuating  but  polite  bow  and 
smooth  smile.  "  Mr.  Harman  does  write  an  exe- 
mztable  hand.  I  cannot  but  just  make  it  out 
sometimes." 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  191 

"  But  just !  My  dear  madam,  I  think  it  would 
take  five  Oriental  dictionaries,  putting  it  in  the 
mildest  way,  and  the  ghost  of  old  Noah  Webster, 
to  translate  some  portions  of  this  letter  into  good 
English.  For  myself,  I  have  been  in  a  high  fever 
since  the  hour  when  the  mail  came  in.  I  forgot 
my  politeness,  however  :  my  name  is  Hodgkins,  at 
your  service." 

My  wife  (I  can  see  her  highness)  bowed  as 
gravely  as  an  empress,  as  she  replied  to  him,  — 

"  I  am  somewhat  acquainted  with  his  manu 
script  ;  and,  if  you  will  let  me  have  it,  I  will  copy 
what  you  want  in  five  minutes." 

"  Many  thanks ;  and  there  are  the  lines.  I 
stopped  the  press,  for  I  was  utterly  dissatisfied  with 
my  own  rendering ;  and  it  waits,  I  am  sorry  to  say, 
as  it  will  delay  the  issue." 

Up  stairs  ran  Lissa,  confident  and  happy  that 
she  could  be  of  some  service.  At  the  end  of  five 
minutes  she  had  deciphered  the  first  three  words, 
as  she  thought.  Conrad  was  at  the  college;  so 
she  had  no  one  to  help  her.  Perplexed,  but  not 
discouraged,  she  wrote  on,  while  the  poor  compos 
itor  walked  the  parlor  with  a  splitting  headache, 
and  hurled  anathemas,  after  the  first  thirty  min- 


192  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

utes,  upon  all  scribblers,  editorial  and  otherwise, 
whose  hieroglyphics  are  unreadable  to  the  poor 
typo,  who  has  blunders  enough  of  his  own  to 
answer  for. 

At  the  close  of  just  fifty-one  minutes,  Lissa  came 
down  stairs. 

"  I  think  I  have  done  it,"  she  said. 

"  Thank  you,  madam  ; "  and  he  snatched  up  his 
hat  with  almost  maniacal  abruptness. 

"  Won't  you  stay  and  take  lunch  with  us  ? " 
asked  Lissa  sweetly. 

"The  man's  wild  black  eyes  radiated  lightning," 
so  she  said  to  me,  as  he  replied,  — 

"My  dear  madam,  I  have  been  lunching  on 
printers'  pi  the  whole  morning.  Good-by  ; "  and 
Lissa  added  that  she  laughed  to  see  him  flying 
along  the  street. 

It  was  well  for  my  reputation  that  I  did  not  go 
often  to  the  country.  My  paper  came  to  me 
through  the  rain,  a  damp  and  unwholesome  pack 
age,  smelling  of  ink  and  the  bad  air  in  which  it 
had  travelled.  When  I  read  my  letter  first,  I  was 
tempted  to  repeat  some  interjectional  phrases  not 
altogether  consistent  with  my  ideas'  of  gentlemanly 
courtesy ;  the  next  moment  I  was  seized  with  a 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 


sense  of  the  ludicrous,  and  laughed  quite  as  heart 
ily  as  if  some  other  man  had  been  made  the  victim 
of  misplaced  type. 


Any  one  can  see,  by  an  inspection  of  the  fac 
simile,  that  my  writing   is  not  so  very  illegible. 


194  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

To  me  it  is  plain  enough.  Why,  then,  should 
compositors  and  others  so  torture  it  into  mean 
ingless  language  ?  Here  is  the  sentence  as  it 
made  its  appearance  m  "  The  Regulator :  "  — 

HER  COPY. 

"  The  skimming  birds,  the  swift  round  motes  of  the  south 
•wind,  the  lively  face  of  autumn  under  wild  vines  hopping. 

"  I  picked  up  leaves  of  myrtle,  as  I  lurked  by  the  sleepy 
natives,  and  watched  the  glossy  ivy,  Ah,  then  much  said  its 
peace  to  me." 

MY  COPY. 

•  "  The  shimmering  leaves,   the  soft  sweet  notes  of  the 

•  blackbird,  the  lovely  face  of  nature,  made  me  mildly  happy. 
I  thought  of  heaverts  repose  as  I  looked  at  the  sleeping 
mountains,  and  watched  the  gliding  river.    All  the  world 
seemed  at  peace  -with  me.n 

Now,  if  you  will  compare  my  copy  with  the  fac 
simile  of  the  manuscript,  you  cannot  fail  to  be 
amazed  with  me  at  my  little  wife's  translation. 
However,  there  can  be  no  doubt  that  she  tried  to 
do  her  best,  and  what  more  could  any  woman 
do  ?  I  mentally  resolved,  however,  the  next  time  I 
left  home,  to  give  all  the  work  into  the  hands 
of  the  sub,  and  never  lay  myself  out  for  aromantic 
and  poetical  effort. 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  195 

That  same  day  came  a  letter  from  my  wife,  from 
which  I  make  a  brief  extract :  — 

"  I  did pity  that  poor  man  when  he  showed  me  your  writ 
ing,  for  you  know  it  has  always  been  all  chickens'  legs  to  me 
imtil  now.  I  did  not  find  much  trouble  of  it,  after  a  while, 
but  made  a  good  translation  of  it ;  though  Conrad  laughed, 
and  said  perhaps  the  compositor  was  standing  on  his  head 
when  he  set  it  up,  and  that  accounted  for  some  mistakes  in 
the  printed  article  j  but  I  did  not  see  them.  Conrad  says' you 
are  going  into  political  life,  and  that  will  take  you  much 
from  home.  O  Charlie,  I  fear  for  that  /  Our -home  is  so 
happy !  What  can  a  man  want  but  contentment  in  this 
world?  You  write  to  make  people  better.  You  find  smiles 
when  you  lift  your  door-latch;  you  leave  cold  looks  and 
harsh  words  out  in  the  dark  street.  Within  we  have 
warmth  and  comfort,  and  merry  laughs,  and  all  that  is 
beautiful.  Don't  go  to  politics,  where  they  wrangle  and 
hurt  each  other" 

This  was  the  first  subject  discussed  on  my 
return  home. 

"  And  you  will  go  to  Congress,  and  I  to  Wash 
ington,  and  leave  every  thing  we  love,"  she  said 
mournfully. 

I  pictured  the  reverse  of  the  shield,  till  her  eyes 
shone  again, — to  see  beautiful  women,  great  men 
(alas  !  in  how  many  cases  miscalled  greatness  ! ),  to 


196  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

behold  her  husband  waited  upon  and  honored,  to 
hear  him  speak  in  the  halls  of  the  Capitol  of  the 
nation. 

At  that  moment  her  glance  fell  upon  a  para 
graph  in  a  rival  paper,  which  she  had  brought  up 
stairs,  Tiddy  having  found  it  upon  the  hall  steps. 

I  meekly  bowed  my  head,  and  wished  myself  in 
Jeripho. 

That  small  woman  seemed  at  once  endowed 
with  the  eloquence  of  Cicero,  the  wrath  of  Mars, 
and  the  majesty  of  Juno.  Her  face  took  on  a  por 
tentous  light,  as  she  stalked  back  and  forth  ;  her 
hands  struck  out  wildly,  her  eyes  were  burning 
stars,  In  vain  I  reiterated  that  it  was  all  paper- 
talk  ;  in  vain  I  tried  to  soothe  her. 

"  They  talk  of  you,  oiyou,  my  Charlie,  like  that? 
What  will  you  do  to  them  ?  Punish  them  !  / 
would  kill  them,  kill  them,  if  they  so  did  to  me ! " 

It  was  hours  before  either  Conrad  or  I  could 
influence  her  mood  sufficiently  to  calm  her  in  any 
degree.  I  feared  a  fit  of  illness  as  the  result ;  and, 
indeed,  for  some  days  her  heavy  eyes  and  dejected 
appearance  kept  us  all  anxious.  Letters  from  the 
far  country  somewhat  changed  the  aspect  of  her 
grief.  Old  Gretchen  was  dead,  and  the  little 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  197 

quaint  house  had  changed  hands,  in  tenants;  for 
Conrad  was  still  its  owner. 

In  my  early  youth,  being  of  a  reformatory  turn, 
and  imagining,  as  very  young,  enthusiasts  are  apt 
to  do,  that  I  could  carry  the  world  on  my  shoulders, 
I  had  made  some  enemies.  Among  these  was  one 
man,  half  fool,  half  knave,  who  took  up  my  war 
notes  in  Don  Quixote  fashion  ;  with  this  difference, 
that  his  nature  was  utterly  foreign  from  that  of  the 
kindly  old  fighter  of  windmills  ;  and  he  infused 
the  bitterest  malignity  into  an  article  which  he 
wrote  for  a  paper  over  which  he  had  control. 

It  was  a  dastardly,  infamous  production,  and  so 
incensed  some  of  my  friends,  that  they  besieged 
the  office,  made  the  foreman  stop  the  press,  and 
afterward  bought  up  all  the  papers  that  they 
could  find  —  a  few  others  in  the  mean  time  having 
gone  abroad. 

Shortly  after  my  return,  a  friend  came  to  my 
office. 

"They  are  down  upon  you  now,  Charlie,"  he 
said,  "though  they  can  say  no  real  harm  of  you. 
But  there  is  one  thing  that  may  work  against  you. 
Barnes,  the  leader  of  the  opposition,  has  got  hold 
of  that  old  publication,  written,  fifteen  years  ago, 
and  they  are  intending  to  use  it." 


198  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

"  That  is  infamous,"  I  said. 

"  Of  course  it  is  infamous,  but  unfortunately 
Barnes  is  a  man  who  will  stop  at  nothing." 

"  I  would  not  have  it  published  for  the  world  ;  I 
will  withdraw  first,"  I  said.  "  It  would  kill  my 
wife." 

"  Perhaps  it  can  be  settled,"  was  the  response. 
"  I'll  try  to  get  Barnes  and  two  or  three  of  the  chief 
conspirators  to  come  over  to  your  house,  if  you 
will  appoint  some  evening.  It  may  be  we  can 
appeal  to  their  honor,  if  they  have  any." 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  199 


CONSENTED,  though  reluctantly,  to  this 
arrangement ;  Lissa  was  informed  that  I 
expected  some  of  my  gentlemen  friends  on 
a  certain  evening,  that  we  wanted  the  back  parlor 
to  ourselves  —  with  sundry  other  little  items, 

"  Then  we  are  not  to  come  down  at  all,  Jo  and 
I,"  she  said  anxiously. 

"  No,  my  dear :  we  are  to  be  a  gander  party,  pur 
et  simple"  I  made  reply. 

"  And  shall  I  get  you  a  supper  ? " 

I  had  not  thought  of  that. 

"  Tiddy  can  wait  upon  you,  you  know,"  she 
said,  a  regret  in  her  voice. 

"  Perhaps  by  that  time  I  shall  want  you,"  I  re 
sponded.  He;-  face  grew  charming. 

"  I  hope  so  ;  and  I  hope  this  election  will  soon 
be  past.  You  are  so  anxious  and  so  changed,  that 
sometimes  I  am  afraid  "  — 


200  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

"  Well,  of  what  ?  don't  hesitate,"  said  I. 

"Why  —  of  so  many  things!  Did  you  know 
that  Mrs.  Ellery  is  electioneering  for  you  ?  She 
was  here  to-day." 

"  Mrs.  Ellery ! "  I  thundered  :  "  I  shall  have  to 
choke  Mrs.  Ellery." 

"  She  says  you  have  many  enemies ;  and  she 
asked  me  so  many  questions,  even  about  the  poor 
little  dead  baby ;  and,  O  Charlie !  is  it  true  that 
they  write  you  down  in  the  papers  ?  is  it  true  so 
many  people  dislike  you  ?  —  you  who  have  always 
made  friends  wherever  you  were,  you  who  are  so 
good  ? " 

"  Yes  ;  but,  my  dear,  political  enemies  may  yet 
be  friends,  if  you  can  understand  that." 

"  I  cannot :  I  think  political  enemies  make  many 
a  wife  sad,"  she  said. 

"  And  break  many  a  wife's  heart,"  I  might  have 
added. 

"  Then  I  will  have  a  little  feast  for  you,  —  some 
oysters,  and  some  cake  and  coffee  ? " 

"  Just  what  you  please,"  I  said. 

The  fire  blazed  cheerily  that  evening;  a  grand 
anthracite,  red  to  the  core,  sending  out  into  the 
room  a  part  of  the  sunshine  that  once  it  sucked 


THAT    WIFE     OF    MINE.  2OI 

into  its  veins  when  the  coal  was  a  singing  tree  of 
the  forest;  a  sunshine  darkened  perhaps  by  the 
imprisonment  of  ages,  but  a  right  royal  crimson 
after  all. 

I  sat  there  resolute  but  dispirited.  What  a  fool 
I  had  been  to  let  my  name  be  used  at  all !  Not 
that  I  had  looked  upon  the  distinction  as  an  empty 
honor.  I  had  not  yet  outgrown  my  enthusiasm  for 
reform ;  I  meant  to  be  a  splendid  broom,  and  sweep 
right  and  left,  nor  leave  a  corner  untouched.  But 
when  I  considered  the  power  I  had  given  to  all 
who  thought  they  could  use  me,  —  when  I  knew 
that  Mrs.  Ellery,  a  subtle,  designing,  managing 
woman,  who  was  well  aware  that  I  was  no  special 
friend  to  her,  had  nothing  in  view  but  her  own  self 
ish  designs,  and  that  she  came  to  try  and  poison 
my  wife's  peace,  —  then  my  heart  failed  me. 

Presently,  one  by  one,  the  gentlemen  dropped  in, 
including  Mr.  Barnes,  a  choky-looking,  red-faced 
man,  bulging  out  of  his  waistcoat,  and  forever  fidg 
eting  with  his  watch-chain  ;  and  the  kind  friend 
who  had  made  me  aVare  of  the  conspiracy. 

It  was  some  time  before  we  got  to  the  matter 
under  dispute,  and  when  we  did  there  was  much 
harsh  talking.  Presently  the  gentlemen  were  all 
afoot,  arguing  at  the  top  of  their  voices. 


202  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

Mr.  Barnes  had  unearthed  from  the  recesses  of 
an  immense  pocket-book,  that  looked  more  like  a 
portfolio,  the  worn  and  yellow  infamy. 

"  I  had  great  trouble  in  finding  it ;  I  think  it  is 
the  only  copy  extant ;  but  I  shall  use  it,  sir,  I  shall 
use  it,"  he  said  with  a  flourish. 

Words  grew  unpleasantly  high.  My  friend  hurled 
his  anathemas  at  the  heads  of  the  opposition,  when 
suddenly  a  soft  voice  was  heard,  — 

"  Gentlemen ! " 

There  stood  my  wife,  facing  us,  robed  in  all  the 
splendor  of  her  most  brilliant  toilet, —  the  folding 
doors  and  the  dark  background  setting  off  her  pale 
beauty  to  the  utmost. 

Her  eyes  glowed  and  widened  as  she  moved  for 
ward,  so  like  a  queen. 

"  Lissa !  "  said  I,  taking  a  step  forward,  "  this  is 
no  place  for  you." 

She  held  up  her  hand,  and  upon  my  word  the 
simple  gesture  silenced  me. 

"  Gentlemen,  of  what  bad  action  do  you  accuse 

• 
my  husband  ? " 

They  stared  at  her  with  admiring  but  half-fright 
ened  glances.  Each  began  to  make  some  effort  at 
an  apology. 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  203 

"  Mr.  Barnes,"  said  my  friend,  his  voice  toned 
low,  "  let  me  present  to  you  Mrs.  Harman.  Per 
haps  you  will  kindly  allow  her  to  see  the  charges 
which  you  have  been  preferring  against  her  hus 
band." 

"  Any  thing  but  that,"  I  said,  in  an  angry  aside. 

"  Will  you  please  let  me  look  at  it  ? "  she  asked, 
slowly  turning  towards  him. 

"  Lissa !  "  I  said  again. 

The  man  was  under  the  spell  of  her  will  certainly. 
His  hand  came  down  slowly  with  the  paper :  it 
almost  fell  into  her  hands.  I  heard  Snelling,  an 
other  opponent,  whisper,  — 

"  Barnes  !  Barnes !  that  is  all  the  copy  you  have." 

"  Husband,"  said  Lissa,  turning  to  me  regally, 
"  is  'this  document  true,  or  false  ?  " 

"  False,  Lissa,  utterly  false,  from  beginning  to 
end  ;  the  product  of  the  brains  of  a  half  madman, 
half  knave,  and  written  fifteen  years  ago." 

"  Then  I  will  not  read  it :  I  believe  my  husband 
before  all  in  the  world,"  she  said,  with  simple 
majesty,  towering  before  them.  With  one  look  at 
me,  swift  as  the  light  she  darted  towards  the  fire. 
The  treacherous  paper  curled  black  before  their 
eyes  ;  but,  though  every  man  started  forward,  she 
was  too  quick  for  them. 


204  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

I  wish  I  could  give  you  a  picture  of  the  grandeur 
of  her  expression  ;  for  though  reason  might  have 
lain  flormant  just  then,  love  made  her  royal. 

"  Lissa  !  "  I  said  as  soon  as  I  could  speak :  per 
haps  she  thought  I  reproved  her,  for  she  answered, 
simply  and  calmly,  '• — 

"  I  have  done  it !  " 

Like  wolves  disappointed  of  their  prey,  Barnes 
and  his  party  gnashed  their  teeth. 

"  By  Jove ! "  whispered  my  friend,  "  you've  got  a 
wife  in  ten  thousand." 

"  No,"  said  Lissa,  quietly  :  "  any  good  wife  would 
do  it." 

Barnes  turned  upon  her,  his  coarse  face  glowing 
with  purple  wrath. 

"  Let  me  tell  you,  madam,  you  are  no  lady." 

Another  moment,  and  he  would  have  been  in  the 
fire ;  but  happily  I  was  pulled  back,  and  the  per 
haps  murderous  blow  fell  on  empty  air.  But  my 
teeth  were  locked  so  that  for  a  minute  I  could  not 
unclinch  them ;  when  I  did,  I  pointed  to  the  door. 

"Go,"  I  said,  "and  carry  with  you  my  resigna"- 
tion  of  the  honor  my  friends  have  done  me  by 
nominating  me  for  Congress.  The  happiness  of 
my  wife  is  worth  more  to  me  than  any  office  of 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  205 

trust  or  profit;  and  while  politics  are  what  they 
are,  and  a  man  must  run  the  muck  of  personal 
abuse,  I  am  candidate  for  no  position  whatever. 
Had  you  succeeded  in  preserving  that  vile  docu 
ment,  I  would  have  fought  you  to  the  last,  desperate 
odds;  you  should  have  taken  back  every  lie,  every 
foul  word,  fabricated  among  your  set.  But  now  I 
am  a  free  man ;  my  home  is  my  castle,  and  holds 
none  but  my  friends.  Go  ! " 

They  skulked  out,  one  by  one,  like  the  cowards 
they  were,  my  friend  volunteering  to  lead  them 
from  the  house. 

Then,  then  !  oh  the  rapture  of  that  precious  mo 
ment  !  the  ecstasy  when  my  true,  beautiful  wife 
sprang  to  my  arms,  and  I  lavished  kisses  upon  her 
cheeks,  her  lips,  her  hair,  while  she  sobbed  upon 
my  breast,  utterly  unnerved,  now  that  the  conflict 
was  past. 


206  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 


Chapter 


|ND  how  came  it  all  about,  my  glorious 
little  wife  ?  "  I  asked,  as  I  released  her, 
holding  her  at  arm's  length,  feasting  my 
eyes  upon  her.  "  Laces,  diamonds,  silks,  tears  ! 
You  dazzle  me.  Tell  me,  how  came  you  to  think 
of  such  a  role  ?  " 

"  I  cannot  tell,"  was  the  reply  :  "only  something 
kept  saying  to  me  that  I  ought  to  be  with  you, 
that  I  could  perhaps  keep  you  from  harm.  Be 
sides,  you  remember  you  told  me  I  might  be  at 
the  supper,  the  little  feast.  So  I  went  up  stairs, 
and  in  honor  of  that  I  dressed  me  as  for  an  opera, 
in  all  my  best.  I  had  not  thought  of  such  a  thing 
a  moment  before. 

"  After  that  I  was  restless.  I  kept  hoping  they 
would  be  done  their  conference,  till  I  heard  loud 
voices  and  some  terrible  sounds.  That  brought 
me  down  into  the  front  parlor,  where  I  stood  trem- 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  207 

bling  and  frightened,  till  suddenly  something  in 
spired  me;  and  after- that  came  all  that  you  saw. 
?  I  think  I  could  have  died  for  you  as  I  felt  then." 

"  Well,  after  this  bit  of  high  tragedy,"  said  my 
friend,  coming  into  the  room,  "  what  next  ? " 

"The  feast!"  cried  Lissa  joyfully.  "We  can 
afford  to  be  happy  now :  no  more  politics,  no  more 
scandal,  no  more  trouble." 

"As  to  the  trouble,  God  only  knows,"  I  an 
swered  ;  "  but  as  to  the  politics,  never,  as  long  as 
Heaven  helps  me ! " 

The  winter  that  ensued  was  one  of  the  pleasant- 
est  of  my  life.  Lissa  provided  many  meiry  little 
surprises,  and  a  few  that  were  not  so  merry. 

For  instance,  she  went  out  one  day  on  a  benevo 
lent  enterprise,  and  found  herself  trapped  in  a  nest 
of  ship-fever.  Another  time,  going  out  of  town 
to  visit  one  of  her  prot/g/es,  she  entered  the  wrong 
car  on  returning,  and  was  carried  twenty  miles 
from  home.  Much  to  my  terror,  night  and  storm 
came  on,  but  no  wife. 

What  a  tempest  that  was  !  How  the  smitten 
trees  groaned,  and  the  fierce  winds  twisted  them  ! 
What  voices  howled  and  shrieked!  Nine,  ten, 
eleven !  I  was  going  frantically  from  one  depot  to 


208  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

the  other,  and  then  home  again  at  eleven,  nearly 
crazy.     Jo  met  me  with  a  despatch. 

"  Wrong  train.     Shdrit  be  back  till  midnight.  —  Lissa? 

Off  I  went  to  the  depot  again,  jubilant.  My 
coat  was  wet  through  :  what  cared  I  ?  My  umbrel 
la  turned  wrong  side  out :  no  matter,  •  Lissa  was 
coming.  What  an  eternity  of  misery  that  night 
had  been  !  For  two  mortal  hours  I  paced  up  and 
down  that  solitary  depot,  nobody  to  speak  to,  chilly 
and  comfortless.  At  last!  a  red  eye  in  the  dis 
tance,  like  a  star  at  harvest  time  ;  then  a  deeper, 
broader  blaze ;  the  hoarse,  measured  breathing  of 
iron  lungs,  a  crimson  glare,  a  final  wheeze ;  and 
somewhere  in  that  long  sinuous  train,  stretching 
far  out  into  the  midnight  darkness,  was  my  wife. 

Dozens  of  people  passed  me.  Patience :  she 
would  come  in  time.  Cn  either  hand,  some  few 
met  friends,  but  where  was  Lissa  ?  At  last  the 
solitary,  lonely  passenger,  the  only  one  left,  went 
slowly  by  me.  Despair  seized  on  me.  Where  was 
Lissa  ? 

The  grim  engine  began  to  wheeze  again,  - —  a 
blaze,  a  snort,  a  tremulous  motion,  and  the  train 
was  backing  out.  I  stood  there  quite  benumbed. 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  2OQ 

It  was  the  dead  of  night  :  it  was  stormy.  I  was 
cold  and  frightened. 

What  was  that  down  there  in  the  dim  light, 
crossing  the  track  at  a  bound  from  the  other  side  ? 
A  woman  ?  no,  yes  !  My  heart  gave  a  terrific  leap, 
and  yet  I  dared  not  hope.  Stumbling,  running  — 
Yes,  that  was  my  name  surely ;  and  this  trembling 
creature  with  great  glittering  eyes,  and  parted  lips, 
and  pallid  cheeks,  who  clasped  my  arm  like  one 
frantic,  and  tried  so  hard  to  speak,  but  broke  down 
in  the  effort,  was  my  Lissa. 

She  had  blundered  again,  and  got  off  the  wrong 
side  of  the  car,  where,  farther  on,  she  had  been 
stopped  by  a  partition,  and  alone  and  bewildered, 
and  in  the  dark,  she  just  stood  there,  as  the  cars 
began  to  move,  till  the^  left  the  track  clear.  I  saw 
that  she  was  in  an  almost  fainting  condition,  and 
hurried  her  into  a  carriage. 

"  I  hadn't  a  bit  of  money,  you  know,  Charlie,"  she 
sobbed. 

"  How  is  that,  Lissa  ?  You  had  plenty  when 
you  left." 

"Yes,  but  I  went  among  poor  people,  oh,  how 
poor !  I  couldn't  see  them  suffer :  I  gave  them 
every  thing  I  had  but  my  return  ticket.  And  then 


210  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

I  got  in  the  wrong  car :  that  was  not  my  fault ;  and 
my  book  was  so  interesting,  and  the  shadows  came 
down  before  I  knew  it ;  and  I  found  myself  twenty 
miles  away  from  home,  in  a  strange  place,  with 
out  a  cent." 

"  Well,  that  was  a  pleasant  situation.  But  how 
about  the  telegraph  ?  Did  they  trust  you  ? " 

"  O  Charlie,  don't  joke !  I  got  out  of  the  cars, 
with  that  lost,  desperate  kind  of  feeling  that  makes 
one  think  one's  self  deserted  by  all  the  world,  that  I 
never  had  but  once  in  my  life  before.  I  gathered 
up  my  heart,  however ;  and  then  "  — 

"  Well  ? "  as  a  pause  ensued. 

"  I  prayed  ; "  and  I  knew  that  her  whisper  was 
not  unaccompanied  with  tears.  "  I  was  sure  that 
help  would  come  some  way ;  and  the  first  face  I 
saw  when  I  went  into  ,the  depot  was  —  whose  do 
you  think  ? " 

"  Well,  among  the  multitudinous  faces  that  cross 
the  threshold  of  my  memory,  and  throng  the  por 
tals  of  "  — 

"  Oh,  hush !  you  are  laughing  at  me  now.  It 
was  the  dean. 

"You  needn't  quiz.  Of  course  the  dean  would 
have  been  there  any  way;  but  it  seemed  like  a 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  211 

beautiful  answer.  And  you  shan't  say  any  thing 
against  the  dean,  even  if  he  don't  like  Con ;  for  he 
was  just  as  kind  as  he  could  be,  like  a  father  to 
me.  I  told  him  my  trouble ;  and  his  pocket-book 
was  in  his  hand  in  a  moment,  and  he  made'me  take 
a  five-dollar  bill." 

"The  old  gentleman  is  welcome  to  my  blessing," 
said  I  fervently. 

"  And  we  talked  a  long  time  after  I  had  tele 
graphed.  He  was  very  communicative.  I  shall 
never  be  afraid  of  him  any  more.  But  he  told  me- 
some  strange  news  ;  at  least,  he  didn't  just  tell  me, 
but  I  imagined"  — 

"As  usual,"  I  interrupted. 

"  Well,  why  shouldn't  I  ?  He  told  me  he  was 
waiting  for  a  gentleman  who  was  from  New  York ; 
and  I'm  almost  sure  it's  an  old  lover  of  Nellie's, 
and  that  he's  coming  on  to  marry  her." 

"  If  he  can." 

"That's  the  reason  the  dean  discourages  poor 
Conrad.  He  thinks  the  world  of  this  other,  who  is 
immensely  rich,  young,  and  handsome.  Poor 
Con !  H'll  pack  up,  and  go  back  to  Germany ;  and 
I  don't  want  him  to.  Though  I  love  Germany,  it 
isn't  like  America  for  a  man  like  him.  Oh,  dear ! " 


212  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

By  this  time  we  had  reached  home.  The  storm 
had  subsided.  Jo  had  staid  up  in  order  to  give  us  a 
cup  of  tea  ;  for  at  our  house  tea  is  one  of  the  insti 
tutions.  Lissa,  for  the  first  time  seeing  the  state 
of  my  water-soaked  garments,  put  me  through  a 
course  of  hot  ginger,  and  a  mustard  foot-bath,  and* 
three  blankets  too  many :  and  then  said  her  prayers 
in  blissful  unconsciousness  of  my  silent  anathemas, 
while  I  lay  roasting  like  a  martyr. 

Not  long  after  that,  Lissa  contrived  a  pretty  and 
agreeable  surprise.  There  had  been  extraordinary 
flittings  to  and  fro,  stealthy  meetings  of  Tiddy 
and  Jo,  mysteries  of  countenance,  rapid  and  secret 
telegraphy  which  I  intercepted,  but  from  which  I 
gained  no  information.  Conrad  and  I  were  in  a 
painful  state  of  uncertainty,  when  we  received 
tickets  inviting  us  to  an  entertainment  in  the  south 
room,  a  large  apartment  in  the  ell,  which  I  was  pre 
paring  to  furnish. 

"  Do  you  know  what's  going  on  ? "  Conrad  asked 
of  me. 

"  No  more  than  the  man  in  the  moon  ;  but  I 
dare  say  we  shall  soon  find  out  if  we  turn  our 
noses  in  the  right  direction,  and  follow  them." 
We  did  so.  On  opening  the  door,  Conrad  and  I 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  213 

stood  in  blank  astonishment.  That  wife  of  mine 
had  reproduced,  in  furnishing  this  apartment,  the 
ground-floor  of  the  little  German  home,  even  to 
the  tiled  fireplace  and  the  embers  in  the  ashes 
upon  the  hearth.  The  windows  were  framed  in 
their  short  red  curtains  ;  the  benches,  the  chairs, 
the  capacious  chest,  the  sideboard,  and  the  table- 
slab,  all  were  there,  with  Gretchen's  old  spinning- 
wheel  in  the  corner.  Tiddy  had  also  lent  herself 
to  the  illusion,  and  sat  as  a  sturdy  representative  of 
Gretchen,  in  her  short-gown,  woollen  hose,  wooden 
shoes,  and  the  Dutch  cap  that  on  her  gray,  bunchy 
head,  set  Conrad  off  into  convulsions  of  laughter. 
And  there,  too,  was  Lissa,  dressed  as  I  had  first 
seen  her,  in  half-peasant  costume,  her  bright  hair 
flowing  in  loose  curls  down  her  back,  her  little  feet 
clicking  in  the  odd  but  dearly-loved  sabots.  And 
another  charming  picture  completed  this  pretty 
little  wonder-play.  Nellie,  in  a  German  costume, 
as  near  as  could  be  improvised,  came  from  some 
concealed  nook,  with  a  wooden  tray,  on  which  were 
black  bread  and  some  sort  of  wafer  cakes  to  which 
Conrad  had  been  accustomed  in  Germany.  I 
thought  Conrad  would  go  wild  in  his  delight  over 
the  little  travesty,  though  there  was  a  something 


214  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

in  Nellie's  countenance  adverse  to  all  this  jollity, 
—  a  concealed  pain,  an  absent  expression,  that 
rather  marred  my  enjoyment  after  I  had  allowed 
myself  to  discover  it. 

"  This  is  all  the  Germany  I  want,"  said  Lissa ; 
"and  I  have  been  hungering  and  thirsting  for  it." 

"  But,  you  little  witch,  how  did  you  get  these 
things  ? "  I  asked.  . 

"  Don't  you  know,  that,  after  Gretchen  died,  I  car 
ried  on  all  the  correspondence  just  as  I  did  when  I 
lived  at  home  ?  So  I  arranged  to  buy  the  furniture, 
which  cost  almost  nothing,  and  have  it  sent  on 
here.  I  paid  it  out  of  my  own  little  money ;  for 
you  know  Conrad  has  always  let  me  have  the  rent. 
And,  besides  this,  there  is  another  reason  why  I 
sent  for  it.  You  know  you  promised,  that,  when 
we  are  richer,  you  would  build  a  little  summer- 
house  away  among  the  rocks,  where  it  could  be 
made  just  like  the  home  I  was  born  in,  and  where 
my  dear  Mutter  died ;  and  we  could  fashion  a  gar 
den,  something  as  that  was,  you  see,  with  the  trel 
lises,  and  the  grapes  and  the  peach-trees.  Oh! 
will  you  not  some  time  make  such  a  one  ? " 

"  I  will,  I  give  you  my  solemn  word  of  honor," 
I  said  :  "  the  other  was  but  a  conditional  promise. 
Next  summer  we'll  go  and  find  the  place." 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  215 

"  Thank  you,"  she  said,  making  me  her  little  de 
mure  German  courtesy  :  how  well  I  remembered 
it! 

"  And  when  you  saw  the  big  boxes  out  in  the 
yard,  don't  you  -know  I  told  you  I  wanted  to  fix 
some  furniture  ?  You  thought  I  meant  to  dress 
up  the  boxes  in  chintz  and  fringe  and  tassels,  but 
this  was  what  I  intended.  So  when  you  were  gone 
all  day  to  the  office,  and  Conrad  to  his  classes,  I 
had  Tiddy's  nephew  Jack  come  here  with  another 
strong  man,  after  the  floor  was  browned  and 
polished  ;  and  the  furniture  was  put  in  by  them. 
Nellie  and  Jo  have  both  helped  me,  — poor  Jo !  I'm 
so  sorry  she  has  the  headache  to-night." 

There  was  no  drawback  to  the  evening's  pleas 
ure,  save  Nellie's  continued  sadness.  Tiddy  dis 
appeared  at  an  early  hour. 

"  S'pose  I'd  war'  dese  yer  fixins  any  longer'n  I 
could  help  ?  No,  'fessor :  ye'll  never  make  no  play- 
actrer  out  ob  me  ;"  and  off  she  went. 

That  night  Conrad  dared  his  fate  :  Nellie  had 
long  known  that  he  loved  her,  and  now  he  asked 
her  to  be  his  wife.  Lissa  and  I  sat  by  the  fire  ; 
and  I  plied  the  ponderous  tongs  breaking  open  the 
glowing  brands,  while  Lissa  roasted  chestnuts  and 


2l6  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

apples,  and  hummed  and  knitted  ;  the  humming  all 
being  done  out  of  consideration  for  Conrad  and 
Nellie,  who  stood  together,  looking  out  into  the 
cold  moonlight,  talking  in  a  low  voice. 

At  last  Conrad  came  back  to  us  with  a  colorless 
face. 

"I  am  going  to  take  Miss  Walters  home,"  he 
said.  Lissa  looked  at  him,  speechless  :  she  slipped 
off  the  sabots,  and  followed  Nellie  up  the  stairs. 

"  Nellie,"  she  said  softly,  "  what  are  you  crying 
for  ?  what  have  you  done  to  Conrad  ?  Is  it  pos 
sible,  after  all,  that  you  don't  love  him  ? "  But 
Nellie  only  waved  her  hand,  and  shook  her  head : 
she  would  not  speak.  "  In  fact,  she  could  not,"  Lissa 
said  to  me  afterwards  ;  "  for  when  she  opened  her 
lips  she  just  gasped." 

The  next  day  Conrad  came  to  tell  me  that  it  was 
all  over. 

"  I  cannot  stay  here,"  he  said  with  almost  solemn 
emphasis :  "  I  must  leave  the  college ;  I  must  leave 
the  place." 

"  Faint  heart  never  won  fair  lady,"  I  said.  "  Con 
rad,  I  thought  you  had  more  courage." 

"  But  the  dean  utterly  ignores  me.  And  the 
man  who  is  visiting  there,  a  sort  of  distant  cousin, 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  217 

has  always  been  attentive  to  Nellie.  It  seems 
there  was  a  tacit  sort  of  engagement,  and  letters 
have  passed ;  and  the  dean  is  furious  because  I  have 
come  between  the  two,  though  God  knows  I  did  it 
innocently;  and  he  is  younger  than  I,  and  richer; 
and  finally  the  dean  hinted  at  something  which  I 
did  not  at  all  understand.  It  is  clear  that  he  is 
prejudiced,  and  determined  to  hear  nothing  in  my 
favor." 

"  But  Miss  Walters,  what  does  she  say  ? " 

"That  she  will  never  marry  without  her  father's 
free  and  full  consent.  I  respect  her  for  it ;  yet  still 
it  tears  my  heart.  I  have  not  been  very  good  for 
much  "  (lapsing  a  little  into  broken  language),  "  I 
have  neglected  many  matters  ;  it  will  never  do,  not 
for  so  long ;  I  must  go  where  I  can  perhaps  for 
get.  But  ah !  she  is  so  inwoven  into  the  fibres  of 
all  my  feelings,  all  my  thoughts,  all  my  life !  God 
help  me  !  I  go  to  pack  up." 

"  Nonsense,  man ! "  I  said  cheerily,  "  you  won't 
pack  up  in  a  hurry." 

"  No,  not  in  a  hurry ;  it  may  take  me  a  month, 
you  know :  I  am  slow,  and  have  much  of  value." 

"  I  would  advise  you  to  take  your  time,  my  de 
spondent  friend :  things  may  not  be  so  bad  as  they 


2l8  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

* 

seem.  Depend  upon  it,  that  young  lady  will  not 
let  you  go." 

"  Ah !  but  I  told  her  I  would." 

"  And  what  then  ?  " 

His  face  worked  a  little. 

"  Never  mind  :  it  is  over  —  all  —  I  am  quite  cer 
tain." 

"  My  dear  Conrad,"  said  I,  "  never  give  up  hope. 
There  is  no  telling  what  a  woman  will  do  for  the 
man  she  loves.  I  am  lost  when  I  consider  her 
capability  for  self-sacrifice,  and  her  resistless  will, 
when  she  wants  her  own  way.  The  amount  of 
caramels  and  humble-pie  she  can  eat  is  simply 
astounding.  No  father,  unless  he  be  a  monster, 
can  stand  the  manipulation  of  her  shrewd  tactics, 
provided  she  has  the  requisite  common  sense  to 
hide  the  whip  while  she  holds  the  reins. 

"  Depend  upon  it,  that  little  girl  with  the  small 
Greek  head  is  planning,  .if  she  has  not  already 
planned,  the  order  of  her  march  and  the  manner  of 
her  assault.  She  will  besiege  the  breastworks,  and 
conquer  the  citadel,  before  the  old  dean  knows  that 
he  has  been  surprised  in  ambush.  I  tell  you,  Con 
rad,  a  good  woman  is  the  finish  and  glory  of  a 
man's  life.  You  needn't  sigh :  you'll  have  abundant 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  219 

time  to  sigh  after  you  are  married,  though  you'll 
smile  of  tener  than  you'll  sigh,  I  promise  you.  Now, 
Miss  Nellie,  if  I  mistake  not,  is  as  clever  as  the 
rest  of  her  matchless  sex.  If  she  don't  bring  the 
dean  to  his  knees  in  the  next  twenty-four  hours, 
I'll  give  you  leave  to  go  to  Germany  to-morrow." 

"  Do  you  really  think  so  ? "  he  queried,  and  hope 
once  more  illuminated  his  face. 

"  I'm  willing  to  wager  my  watch,  —  the  one  that 
wife  of  mine  came  so  near  losing  for  me,  by  the 
way.  So  go  up  stairs  to  your  flute  :  pour  your 
plaints  into  the  air,  and  some  good  spirit  will  waft 
them  to  the  girl  you  adore." 

"  I  give  you  my  word,  I  do  adore  her,"  he  said, 
placing  his  hand  on  his  heart ;  and  he  withdrew 
comforted. 


220  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 


Chapter 

[HE  dean  had  been  away  from  home  nearly 
a  month.  Consequently,  as  I  delayed  a 
day  or  two  after  Lissa  returned  from  that 
stormy  journey,  to  call  upon  him,  I  brought  the 
borrowed  five  dollars  back  home  in  my  pocket. 

Now,  however,  I  would  go  and  see  the  dean,  and 
discharge  my  indebtedness. 

I  walked  bravely  up  to  the  old  square  white 
house,  with  my  heart  in  my  mouth,  and  faced  the 
ancient  knocker  with  a  valor  —  considering  my 
knees  were  trembling  under  me — that  was  little 
short  of  heroic.  For  myself,  I  could  have  walked 
up  to  the  cannon's  mouth,  and  calmly  looked  in 
its  sooty  throat ;  but  for  another,  and  on  such  an 
errand,  I  confess  to  cowardice. 

The  dean's  man,  spotless  in  attire  and  pro 
foundly  dignified  in  deportment,  let  me  in  to  the 
dim  deep  recesses  of  the  hall,  on  whose  slippery 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  221 

boards  I  nearly  came  to  grief,  as  I  deposited  my 
cane  in  the  rack.  Then  I  followed  him  into  the 
square  dark  tomb  of  a  parlor  on  the  first  floor, 
where  the  narrow  bookcases  stood  like  so  ma~v 
polished  sarcophagi,  and  the  white  marbles,  faiivuy 
discernible,  looked  like  ghosts.  I  sat  down  on 
the  shining  horse-hair  sofa,  and  waited  for  the 
dean. 

When  he  came  in,  I  knew  that,  metaphorically 
speaking,  his  hair  had  been  combed,  and  that  by 
no  common  process.  Just  as  he  was  entering,  he 
said,  turning  to  his  man,  — 

"  Thomas,  you  will  help  the  coachman  take  Mr. 
Carroll's  trunks  down.  He  is  going  away  at  four 
this  afternoon." 

"  Good  for  little  Nellie ! "  thought  I  to  myself. 
"  She  will  carry  the  day." 

"Dean  Walters,"  said  I,  "good-morning,  sir." 

"  Ah  !  hum,  yes  ;  Mr.  Harman.  Good-morning, 
—  good-morning,  sir." 

"  I  have  come  to  thank  you  for  your  politeness 
to  my  wife,  and  to  pay  my  indebtedness.  Here  is 
the  money  you  kindly  loaned." 

"  Your  —  your  wife  —  money  !  "  and  the  dean 
pursed  up  his  heavy  mouth,  and  the  lines  grew 


222  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

deeper  between  his  ponderous  spectacles.  "  I  have 
rather  a  short  memory,  sir." 

"  You  lent  her  the  money  one  night,  when  Mrs. 
Harman  had  been  carried  by  mistake  in  an  op 
posite  direction  from  home.  I  am  very  sure  of  the 
fact.  You  will  perhaps  recollect,  when  I  tell  you 
that  my  wife  is  the  sister  of  one  of  the  professors, 
Von  Raab." 

"  Ah !  oh,  yes !  I  discard  the  Von,"  he  said 
rapidly,  changing  countenance  decidedly,  so  decid 
edly  that  he  looked  almost  white :  "  the  Von  is 
an  affectation  sir !  " 

"  Dean  !  "  said  I,  grasping  at  a  perfectly  perpen 
dicular  chair-back,  "  have  you  heard,  do  you  know, 
any  thing  to  the  detriment  of  my  wife's  brother?" 
And  I  stood  up  to  him,  and  looked  him  full  and 
defiantly  in  his  gray  spectacles. 

"  I  !  —  do  I  —  know  arty  thing,  sir  ?  I  don't 
know  ;  that  is,  I  —  I  —  Since  you  have  cornered 
me,  I  suppose  I  must  tell  what  I  suspect ;  but  it 
is  very  unpleasant,  sir." 

"  I  am  quite  ready  to  listen  to  you,  dean,  and  also 
prepared  to  defend  him.  I  shall  not  hear  him 
abused." 

"  I  have  no  disposition  to  abuse  him,  sir,"  said 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  223 

the  dean  stiffly.  "I  confess  that  he  has-been  a 
thorn  in  my  side  ever  since  he  audaciously  tried  to 
engage  the  affections  of  my  daughter.  But  to  the 
subject  proper.  There  have  been  stories  going 
about  which  proved  to  have  a  foundation  in  truth. 
The  professor  was  seen  in  the  cars  with  a  young 
babe,  sir ;  he  was  known  to  walk  the  streets  here 
like  a  man  bewildered  ;  finally  to  rid  himself  of  his 
burden,  by  leaving  the  unfortunate  child  on  your 
doorstep.  Put  this  with  the  fact  that  your  wife, 
his  sister,  adopted  the  foundling,  or  whatever  it 
was,  and  you  will  see  that  I  had  some  reason  for 
suspecting  him." 

"  That  is  all  perfectly  correct,  sir ;  but  how  in 
Heaven's  name  did  you  hear  of  it?  Have  walls 
ears?" 

"  Then  you  admit  it  ? " 

"  Of  course  I  admit  it :  Conrad  himself  admits 
it;  and  he  also  admits  that  the  only  mistake  he 
made  was  in  abandoning  the  poor  little  child." 
The  dean  lifted  his  eyebrows :  he  lifted  himself, 
in  fact.  He  took  off  his  spectacles  ;  but,  finding 
that  he  could  not  see  me,  he  put  them  on  again. 

"  You  admit  it, — he  admits  it!  And  such  a 
man  had  the  boldness  to  ask  me  for  my  daughter, 
my  only  child ! " 


224  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

"  Such  a  man  !  why,  sir,  if  he  had  not  been 
such  a  man,  noble,  self-forgetting,  altogether  above 
and  beyond  the  run  of  small  men  with  which  our 
humanity  is  cursed,  he  might  have  left  an  unfortu 
nate  infant  to  perish,  or  abandoned  it  to  the  tor 
tured  instincts  of  an  insane  mother.  He  is  as  far 
above  the  ordinary  animal  God  has  been  pleased  to 
bestow  reason  upon,  as  the  planet  is  above  the 
river  that  reflects  her  beauty."  And  I  told  him 
the  story. 

The  dean  sat  down  again,  still  in  a  maze  ;  the 
dean  listened ;  he  took  out  his  handkerchief  once, 
but  he  was  to'o  stubborn  to  wipe  his  eyes,  though 
I  saw  they  were  wet,  and  his  mouth  worked  vio 
lently. 

"Now,  dean,  what  do  you  think  of  Prof.  Von 
Raab  ? " 

"  I  am  astonished  —  I  am  very  much  astonished, 
and  —  hum  —  pleased  —  and  —  hum  —  astonished, 
as  I  said,  before.  But  really,  did  you  know  how 
many  unpleasant  comments  this  matter  has  occa 
sioned  ? " 

"  I  wonder,  if  my  wife  had  taken  a  lap-dog  to  pet, 
to  embroider  for,  and  to  nurse,  if  the  community 
would  have  troubled  itself  ?  Yes,  dean,  I  have 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  225 

known  that  much  talk  was  generated,  and  some 
scandal ;  but,  to  tell  you  the  truth,  I  care  very  little 
about  what  people  say,  as  long,  as  my  conscience  is 
clear,  and  my  home  the  best  place  in  the  world.  I 
know  my  brother  loves  your  daughter.  He  is  a 
man  of  some  means,  and,  as  you  must  be  aware,  of 
fine  abilities,  and  a  nobility  of  character  vouch 
safed  to  but  few  men  of  his  standing.  You  must 
do  him  justice,  dean  ;  he  is  worthy  of  any  man's, 
any  woman's,  lo've  :  so,  since  you  have  learned  the 
truth  concerning  -those  absurd  rumors,  you  will 
perhaps  "  — 

"  Give  him  my  Nellie.  Young  man,  you  may 
some  time  know  what  it  means  to  feel  that  your 
child's  affections  have  drifted  from  you  into  the 
keeping  of  an  utter  stranger,  and  "  —  He  cleared 
his  throat  with  more  than  necessary  vehemence. 

"  My  dear  dean,  I  am  not  so  young  a  man,  but  I 
shall  be  delighted  if  ever  I  have  a  daughter ;  and 
doubly  pleased  if  for  a  lover  and  a  husband  she 
chooses  a  man  like  my  brother-in-law  Conrad  Von 
Raab."  There  was  but  little  more  said  ;  but  I  felt 
that  the  battle  was  won,  because  —  Nellie  had  been 
beforehand  with  me. 

I  have  only  one  more  of  my  wife's    unequalled 


226  THAT    WIFE  .OF    MINE, 

-accidents  to  chronicle.  It  was  on  the  occasion  of 
a  small  party,  — just  a  family  party,  including  the 
dean  and  Nellie.  The  dean,  bless  him  !  showed 
himself  now  in  his  true  character.  Nellie  was 
seraphic,  Conrad  ecstatic,  and  the  others  all  as  near 
some  other  attic  as  the  mood  allowed. 

I  had  been  talking  in  a  rambling  way  about  my 
contributors,  several  of  whom  were  named. 

"  And  how  about  Peri?  "  queried  Lissa  daringly. 
"  By  the  way,  what  do  you  think  of  her  verses  ?  " 

"  They  are  uncommonly  good." 

"  Who  do  you  suppose  writes  them  ? " 

"  You  do,"  said  I  gravely. 

"  I  ! "  she  started,  faltered,  and  looked  round 
timidly;  for  this  talk  had  gone  on  partly  in  an 
aside. 

"  Yes,"  I  said,  "  you  !  —  Ladies  and  gentlemen,  I 
am  about  to  introduce  to  you  a  new  star  which 
has  lately  risen  in  the  firmament  of  letters." 

I  took  my  wife  by  the  hand.  She  drew  back  in 
literal  terror. 

"  Lissa,"  I  whispered  in  an  undertone,  "  who 
once  said  she  would  obey  me,  if  "  — 

She  rose,  tried  to  smile ;  but,  as  I  saw  the  tears 
were  coming,  I  released  her  hand,  and  she  escaped 


THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE.  227 

from  the  room  in  the  midst  of  murmurs  of  applause 
and  wonder.  We  did  not  see  her  again  till  tea- 
time. 

"  I  made  a  cake,"  she  said  aside  to  me,  "  to 
show  that  I  can  do  some  things,  as  well  as  others." 

It  was  a  magnificent  cake.  Joe  cut  it.  The 
dean  ate  a  slice  while  it  was  quite  warm.  The 
rest  of  us  waited ;  ana  the  consequence  was,  our 
cake  remained  upon  our  plates,  only  tasted. 

"  Lissa,"  I  whispered  after  tea,  "  what  is  there 
in  that  cake  ?  " 

"  The  very  best  of  every  thing." 

"  No  kerosene  ? " 

"  What  can  you  mean  ? "  She  gravely  tasted  the 
cake.  Then,  followed  by  me,  she  ran  into  the 
kitchen,  lifted  the  essence-bottle  which  she  had 
used,  smelled  hard,  and  turned  as  white  as  a  sheet 

"  O  Charlie  !  will  the  dean  die  ?  "  she  cried  with 
a  terrified  face. 

"  Horror  of  blunders ! "  I  cried,  frightened  for 
the  moment,  and  powerless  to  move. 

She  showed  me  the  bottle.     It  was  labelled,  — 

"  Benzine." 

I  had  thoughtlessly  placed  it  there  myself, 
because  it  corresponded  with  bottles  of  a  similar 
size  ;  little  dreaming  that  they  were  essences. 


228  THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE. 

"  O  Charlie  !  my  unfortunate  cold !  I  put  two 
spoonfuls  in.  I  was  in  such  a  hurry !  How  could 
the  dean  eat  it  ? " 

"  Because,  while  it  was  hot,  the  taste  was  less 
observable,  I  suppose."  • 

"  Do  you  think  I  have  poisoned  him  ?  " 

"  I'll  go  back  and  see,"  I  replied  a  little  doubt 
fully.  Lissa  followed  me  tremblingly. 

"  He  laughs  remarkably  loud  for  a  dead  man," 
I  said,  as  we  paused  at  the  door. 

I  am  happy  to  state  that  no  harm  came  of  our 
benzine  sponge-cake ;  also,  that  the  course  of  true 
love  ran  comparatively  smooth  after  that ;  also, 
that  I  built  the  small  German  cottage ;  also,  that, 
as  Tiddy  prophesied,  the  cradle  did  come  handy, 
and  that  Jo  is  the  proudest  aunt  in  all  Christen 
dom  ;  while  Tiddy  says  reflectively,  her  black 
finger  upon  her  blacker  nose,  — 

"  Dat  ar'  chile  wa'n't  never  laff  on  nobody's  door 
steps  ;  no,  mam  !  " 

At  present  I  am  the  happiest  man  in  the  world  ; 
though  still  I  have  occasion  to  say,  often  in  joy, 
sometimes  in  sorrow,  - — 

OH,    THAT    WIFE    OF    MINE  ! 


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as  free  from  the  sensational  and  impossible  as  could  be  desired,  and  at  the  same 
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her  essay  in  a  new  field  of  literature,  to  which  she  will  be  warmly  welcomed  by 
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«  CHARMINGLY   TOLD,  FULL  OF  INCIDENT,  AND  PURE  IN  TONE." 
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THE  AUTHOR'S  KEEN  SENSE  OF  HUMOR, 

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Page's  about  Sunday:  they  don't  even  have  baked  beans  for  breakfast,'  said 
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" '  Come  in  here,  Ozem,'  said  she  faintly,  as  his  figure  appeared  in  the  doorway, 
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stole  softly  and  mournfully  to  the  bedside  of  the  dying  woman. "  —  EASTPORT 
SENTINEL. 

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ENQUIRER. 

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Baking  is  very  chaste  and  fascinating."  —  CHRISTIAN  ERA, 

LEE  &  SHEPAKD,  Publishers,  Boston 

* 

234 


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"  A  BOOK  OF  REMARKABLE  POWER." 

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BEST    NEW  ENGLAND  CHARACTER  AND  TRAITS. 

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"THIS   CLEVER   STORY." 

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LIVING  TOO  FAST; 

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THE  CONFESSIONS  OF  A  BANK  OFFICER. 

By    WILLIAM    T.    ADAMS. 

(OLIVER  OPTIC.) 

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INCIDENTS    OF    A    FAST    LIFE, 

The  expedients  to  keep  up  appearances,  resulting  in  crime,  remorse,  and  the  evfl 
opinion  of  all  good  men.     The  narrative  is  replete  with 

STARTLING    SITUATIONS,   TEMPTATIONS, 

And  all  that  makes  up 

.A.     TIEHR-IIiljULsra-     S  T  O  DR.  TT, 

In  the  semblance  of  an  autobiography, 

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^.uthor  of  "  That  Queer  Girl, "  &c.,  &c. 

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and  silliness  that  mar  the  class  of  books  usually  found  there, 
that  the  veteran  novel-reader  is  apt  to  finish  it  at  a  sitting. 

THE  AUTHORESS  WIELDS  A  VIGOROUS   PEN, 

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ing  for  good,  and  mingling  with  this  something  which  it  does  one  good  to 
receive. 

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A  VOLUME  OF  PRAISE, 

That  few  novels  of  the  day  are  blessed  with.  This  is  not  a  story  for  the  young 
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WELL  WORTH   THE  READING. 
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«A  GIRL'S  STORY  THAT  ENDS  WITH  A  WEDDING," 

SALLY  WILLIAMS, 


THE:  MOUNTAIN 

By  MRS.  EDNAH  D.  CHENEY. 

Author  of  "  Patience,"   "  Social  Games,"  "  The  Child  of  the 
Tide,"  &c. 

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Pure,  strong,  healthy,  just  what  might  be  expected  from  the  pen  of  so  gifted 
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LIFE  AMONG   THE   NEW   HAMPSHIRE   HILLS, 

Enlivened  by  the  tangle  of  the  ups  and  downs  of  every-day  life  in  this  out-of- 
the-way  locality.  The  characters  introduced  are 

QUAINTLY  ORIGINAL, 

And  their  adventures  are  narrated  with  remarkable  skill.  The  heroine,  Sally 
Williams,  while  still  a  child,  has  the  misfortune  to  lose  her  mother  ;  and  her 
father,  a  good-natured  but  shiftless  young  man,  leaves  for  Australia  to  "  make  his 
fortune."  Her 

STRUGGLES  AND  TRIALS 

Until  her  father's  return  are  well  depicted  ;  and  the  story  is  interspersed  with 

clever  bits  of  description  ;  and  phases  of  life  are  presented  which  are  seldom 

found,  but  will  be  all  the  more  enjoyable  for  their  novelty. 

The  BOSTON  TRAVELLER  says  :  "  Its  characters  are  of  yie  best  types  of  New 

England  country  people,  and  the  plot  is  quite  romantic." 

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HSF"  Make  the  acquaintance  of  the   "Mountain   Girl"  at 
once.     She  will  please  you. 

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NEW  ILLUSTRATED  BOOKS. 


ABIDE  WITH  ME. 

The  favorite  Sacred  Song,  by  Rev.  HENRY  FRANCIS  LYTE.  With 
Full-page  and  Initial  Illustrations,  designed  by  Miss  L.  1>.  Hum 
phrey,  engraved  by  John  Andrew  &  Son.  Small  410.  Cloth,  gilt  .  $2  oo 

NEARER,  MY  GOD,  TO  THEE. 

The  universal  Praise  Song,  in  Church  and  Home,  by  SARAH  FLOWER 
ADAMS.  Full-page  and  Initial  Illustrations,  designed  by  Miss  L  B. 
Humphrey,  engraved  by  John  Andrew  &  Son.  Small  410.  Cloth, 
gilt 2  oo 

OH,  WHY  SHOULD  THE  SPIRIT  OF  MORTAL  BE  PROUD? 

By  WILLIAM  KNOX.  "President  Lincoln's  Favorite."  With  Full- 
page  and  Initial  Illustrations,  designed  by  Miss  L.  B.  Humphrey, 
engraved  by  John  Andrew  &  Son.  Small  410.  Cloth,  gilt 2  oo 

BALLADS  OF  BRAVERY. 

Edited  by  GEORGE  M.  BAKER.  With  40  full-page  illustrations.  Large 
4to.  Elegantly  bound  in  Red,  Black,  and  Gold.  New  style -  3  50 

BALLADS  OF  HOME. 

Edited  by  GEORGE  M.  BAKER.  With  40  full-page  illustrations.  Large 
4to.  Elegantly  bound  in  Red,  Black,  and  Gold.  New  style 3  50 

BALLADS  OF  BEAUTY. 

Edited  by  GEORGE  M.  BAKER.  With  40  full-page  illustrations.  Large 
4to.  Elegantly  bound  in  Red,  Black,  and  Gold.  New  style 350 

JESOP'S  FABLES. 

A  new  and  elegant  edition  with  over  one  hundred  illustrations.  Large 
4to,  gilt.  In  Red,  Black,  and  Gold 3  50 

BABY  BALLADS. 

By  UNO.    With  40  illustrations.     Small  4to I  oo 

LITTLE  SONGS  FOR  LITTLE  PEOPLE. 

By  MRS.  MARY  ANDERSON.  A  new  edition,  with  numerous  illustra 
tions.  Small  410 • i  oo 

LITTLE  SONGS. 

By  MRS.  FOLLEN.     A  new  and  elegant  edition.     Small  410 i  oo 

LITTLE  PEOPLE  OF  GOD, 

And  what  the  Poete  have  said  of  them.  Edited  by  MRS.  GEORGE  L. 
AUSTIN.  A  choice  collection  of  the  best  poems  on  childhood.  410. 
Cloth.  Illustrated 200 


LEE  &>  SHEPARD,  PUBLISHERS,  BOSTON. 


58  01 277  0995 


UC  SOUTHERN  REGIONAL  LIBRARY  FACILITY 


A  A      000046249   9 


